1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

So a new “problem”

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Dec 11, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So.. this is all hypothetical because my imagination is slightly running away with me. But in all my excitement, I’m realising there’s a question underneath all my musings, and I honestly didn’t think of this “problem” before now.

    The question is - how does one date around, meaning, how does one actually juggle being non exclusive? Is it even realistic for someone like me who has limited free time? Let me give you the background:

    Ok, so I’ve met someone that has potential. I have been on apps for a while and going out to bars and obviously looking for experiences with women. Someone I met on an app, I’ll call her cupid crush, we have been talking a bit and I really liked the way our conversations were going, and she spontaneously asked me to meet her yesterday. It was brief but really nice and we will definitely see each other again. We’ve both been very clear that we’re interested.

    Now there’s another woman, i’ll call her work crush. She is gorgeous and interesting and awesome. She has been very very friendly with me, and I’m sure that’s all it is... but I don’t know, either I am over reading it as something a bit more or maybe it is something a bit more.... I just have this impression that she maybe *could* be giving me signals. Anyway, I would totally go for it with her. We’re meeting for coffee this Thursday.

    There’s another woman, let’s call her compatible crush, she is someone I met in another app, she seems to be really compatible with me and, though we haven’t met, I think we’d hit it off really well. She lives a bit far but we have been talking about meeting in a few weeks time.


    Then there’s one more woman, similar to the one above, she is a bit far and we have been talking about meeting in a few weeks time. Let’s call her solid crush, because I can see she has solid intentions to meet up and see where things go.

    I think it’s likely only one or maybe 2 of these women would turn into anything, but it got me thinking...

    How does one do non exclusive? As my earlier posts show, I’ve not been hitting it off with one night stands. If I see someone regularly I will be sure to be honest about where my head is and my need to not commit to things right now, but I also think logistically, I don’t know how to be in a non exclusive relationship, I don’t know how to date more than one person at a time... i have a fear as well that if I do see someone regularly I will end up getting serious at some point and miss my chance to be non exclusive, but I also don’t want to not see people regularly because i want that experience.

    This post probably seems a bit jumbled. I think the point is, I know what I want, but I’m not really sure how to achieve the casual thing. Does anyone have insight?
     
    #1 baristajedi, Dec 11, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
    looking for me likes this.
  2. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I should mention- work crush and I don’t work together very closely, she is downstairs far away, we rarely have any contact at work, it would not be awkward if we got together basically.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,910
    Likes Received:
    584
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Don’t rush. It sounds like your trying to rush from one relationship to the next. Take your time. Be sure you are thoughtful no what you learned from your last relationship and what you learned about yourself before trying to find the next one.

    Play the field. Figure out how much free time you have and date around your free time. Meet as many people as possible.

    Rushing into the next relationship might lead you to another unexpected ending. Know what your looking for first.
     
    Landgirl likes this.
  4. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    I actually don’t want a relationship, an exclusive one i mean, but I do feel good about seeing someone regularly. It worries me though that I could fall into feelings doing that. And I also worry that it would be hurtful to the other person as time went on if I’m seeing other people (although I’d be 100% honest obviously).

    I suppose my thinking is that, i can see how to get experience with lots of women if I could just have more one night stands but that seems to not be an easy thing for me.

    In short, I think I’m hearing your advice that seeing someone regularly can still allow me to see others? Just keep time open for more than one person?
     
    #4 baristajedi, Dec 11, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  5. Peterpangirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    799
    Likes Received:
    617
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Can you go on a date a week or something with each woman and just see how you feel as you go along? I've just organised one date and a second potential one plus just meeting up with two other gay women who came out late just to chat and get to know them as potential friends. I reckon people will probably understand if you have to plan well in advance so long as you keep them informed.
     
  6. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    Hey you go peterpangirl! That’s awesome you’ve made some dates/plans!! :slight_smile:

    I think with cupid crush I have to be super clear and honest. She has shared some stuff with me that makes me feel she might be cautious about her heart, so I will make sure she knows exactly where things stand. The 2 who are farther away, I think there’s not much expectation of anything really particular. I suppose what I’m thinking is that it’s all based on how the relationships sort of develop... I could probably manage to have dates set up once a week with two women at a time and maybe occasionally see out of town people...
     
  7. Peterpangirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    799
    Likes Received:
    617
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You are going for it! I wonder if we are using the same sites. I've just joined one for femmes so that makes 3 sites. It's just a bit of a distraction from a broken heart for me....but also, if you never put yourself out there you will never meet anyone nice...you are right...it is good to have some plans. Have you seen my reply on your profile?
     
    #7 Peterpangirl, Dec 11, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  8. Peterpangirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    799
    Likes Received:
    617
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Have you had any dodgy experiences of dating sites? I have, so I think I need to be wary.
     
  9. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I just replied to you now :slight_smile: I’ve tried a few apps just for lesbians, but only one of those ended up being useful and then 3 for general use...

    I have had some weird dodgy experiences on the sites. Two were typical cat fishing, there have also been annoying guys saying sleazy things to try to turn me hetero, and one really weird conversation which was a scam to grab money and expensive things... have you had the same?
     
    #9 baristajedi, Dec 11, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  10. Peterpangirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    799
    Likes Received:
    617
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The first time I ever went on a dating site before I met my ex girlfriend I had hate mail from a random woman in New Zealand. At that time I described myself as bisexual. I reported and blocked her. This time I had a very odd What's App call with a woman who wanted to chat and hear my voice. She was quite forceful and the conversation was strange. I also had a woman contact me who said "I am 100 lesbian, are you?" (I had already labelled myself lesbian and mentioned in my profile I was not a timewaster). No men have approached me yet to my knowledge.
     
    #10 Peterpangirl, Dec 11, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2018
  11. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    to me it sounds like you're pursuing a form of Poly Amory. im Polyam myself, communication, honesty and respect are the touch stones of this sort of relation(s). for instance I have a boyfriend, who has another girlfriend, and the other girlfriend has another girlfriend and dates as opportunity arises. the thing is, we all know about each other, my and the other woman text back and forth and message on FB. there are many ways to go about being Polyam. remind me to send you some links later, i'll do it after I get home from our office Christmas dinner.
     
    Mihael likes this.
  12. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    Hmm maybe I am kind of interested in polyamory, but honestly I’m not sure if it’s something I feel a strong tie to long term, I only know that right now I don’t want to be exclusive with someone. I guess I’m still learning about what I like, in terms of polyamory vs monogamy, there’s a chance that I could be more drawn to either long term...


    But, now after the last few days, I’m coming back to that same question about juggling dating more than one person at a time.


    So... an update for context... I’m feeling some really good things and I really like where my life is right now. But I’m also finding myself in what feels like really unfamiliar territory and I suppose I want some insight about the feelings that come with these new kinds of experiences...


    Ok so I still haven’t got laid, lol. But that’s really not a big deal to me at the moment, I’m not really sweating it because i know I’ll get the that part of having fun with sex soon enough. What has been happening is that I’ve gotten to a really good place, within myself, and I’m having fun exploring different ways of meeting women, embracing fun and meaningful experiences with friends and meeting new people. I’m starting to feel a surge of confidence in approaching women in clubs and finding it fun and exciting seeing how that goes. Last night I had a lot of fun dancing and eventually getting close to a woman in the bar I went to, I could have slept with her last night, she was really attractive but she turned me off with a few things she did so I just kind of drifted offf; I have a handful of women I’m kind of building things with, there’s a new person I am interested in now too in addition to the ones I’ve mentioned. I kind of expect that one or two or three of the women I’ve been building things with will become something, like we will date/sleep together.


    Anyway, the thing is I already know I want to sleep around, date around, take my time, explore being with different women. There’s a couple of things about it though that I think I need some advice about.


    First, there’s my own internal thing, I’m so used to focusing on one person at a time, I’ve even been that way with friends most of my life, but I’ve actually opened up a lot in that area. I want to be open to that with dating too, but I think there’s an internal sort of maybe shyness that makes me sorry of gravitate to holding close to one person. I need to work through how to get over that because I really want this experience right now of meeting other people. I think also I really could easily fall deep for someone I start sleeping with because that’s kind of human nature... again I don’t want that to deter me from the experiences I’m trying to have and I’d like to sort of work through that as well.


    Now on top of that I think there’s something cultural. A heteronormative set of norms, a pressure having grown up being taught that sleeping around isn’t nice (now I don’t mean this is in a puritanical way, I think it’s more subtle than that), I feel like I can feel this sort of underlying sense of but it’s wrong to lead someone on if I’m seeing other people, but I know that’s just a bunch of arbitrary rules. There’s no reason grown people can’t be honest and clear and kind in dating multiple people.


    I have some specific questions I think that would go with this but my daughter’s going to need my attention in a moment...


    I’ll be back to delve more deeply into this probably but in the meantime, if anyone has any advice, please share.
     
    #12 baristajedi, Dec 15, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2018
  13. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2,635
    Likes Received:
    509
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I find polyamory too difficult to handle organisationally, but I think honesty and opennes about it is key.

    Sleeping around isn't nice... nah. It's about not wanting someone you love to ever leave you and not wanting to be afraid that they will prioritise someone else over you or that they will be unreachable. There is a similar logic about material arrangements. More people indtroduce more uncertainty. Shyness is one thing, that is another. Or maybe shyness stems from the fear of being hurt? The risk is real, so it's a reasonable fear.

    It's true. Think twice before you sleep with someone. If it turns out to be the wrong person or just not right, it can cause lots of emotional turmoil. The urge can be strong, but don't press it.

    Date with the women you are into but don't commit yet. It's completely fine and everyone will understand that you don't want to commit so early on, like within few months or a couple of dates. It's completely okay and an accepted thing. Everyone feels the same way about it. Been there, done that :slight_smile: But if you are more commited to someone already, I think they should know you are meeting someone else as well. If it's just a date or two and a bit of texting, then no, not neccesarily. It's trial period.
     
  14. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,664
    Likes Received:
    678
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Baristajedi, I certainly wouldn't equate what you are talking about with polyamory. I dated around for quite a while. I was actually doing exactly that when I met my husband. People have sort of lost the notion of just dating because it's fun to go out and fun to meet new people, and frankly sleeping around can be a lot of fun too. Unfortunately I think you're right that you will be swimming upstream against people's expectations. I've always thought it was reasonable to assume that one wasn't exclusive until someone said one was. I feel like these days people will assume you are exclusive by the second date, first date if you knew each other beforehand. This is crazy bonkers to me so in theory you could just let people think that knowing that you never said it, but you'll probably hurt some people's feelings if you do.

    I remember even back when I was dating (when I feel like dating around was more the norm) I felt like I had "marry me" written on my forehead in ink only I couldn't see. Unfortunately I think it's worse with gay people. Many gay people have already risked so much to have this "relationship" and have so committed themselves to the idea of it as the thing that will fix their life that it's like they have this man or woman shaped hole in their being and they'll fill it with whomever shows the slightest bit of interest. It can be flattering but the problem is it's truly nothing personal--you're just the one that came along. I remember a lot of really awkward discussions when people declared their "love" for me. It was like: "Seriously? My eyes are closed. Tell me what color they are. Or my favorite movie, OK how about my last name?" This sort of thing is, frankly, exactly why I so heartily applaud what you are looking to do. I think most queer people's relationships would be healthier if they consciously dated around first.
     
    #14 OGS, Dec 15, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2018
    Landgirl likes this.
  15. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    727
    Likes Received:
    371
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like your answer is right there.
     
    looking for me likes this.
  16. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think I understand what you mean about more people introducing more uncertainty... but I think I’m ok with that right now. I’m in TMS stagebof uncertainty and I don’t want to add an element of commitment to it. Right now my commitment is only to me and my daughter and I think it needs to stay that way for a while.

    At t end of your oostbuiu said some things about at what point people should know about you seeing other people... I’m at a a stage where it’s really no one’s business, I’m clearly just starting to date cupid crush but we’ve had one meet so far, just to see if we had any chemistry, very briefly the other day, and she has termed this one coming up a “second date”. We haven’t even kissed. The person who’s a bit far, we’ve only just made plans to meet in a few weeks and meet-up crush is someone I am just giving and getting signals from.

    So we’re not at any stage where anyone is obligated to tell either stuff.

    But when does that stage start? With all of these women we talk a lot, like share loads about our days, bits about our lives. I’m not sure when it just seems elusive or deceptive not to bring it up... I mean I know now it’s fine obviously, I’m just thinking when does that become something expected?

    I really am not familiar with the expectations of all of these things... I would guess if people want to be exclusive they’d bring it up, but I also think people build expectations and presumptions...
     
  17. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    OGS, I agree that it’s really necessary to date and sleep around to get to know who you are and what you want. I mean, I really need this for myself at least.

    But I’m honestly so new to this. I did it briefly when I was younger with guys. It’s really out of my normal zone. I feel like I need a “dating non-exclusively 101” guidebook! Like I said above, I have pretty long conversations with the women I’m meeting. We chat regularly as well. I don’t know how to sort of build the right expectations from the start. And I don’t really know what the expectations are or should be at each stage... ugh it’s all so confusing. I also worry that no one will date me if I’m not interested in pursuing just one person at a time. I really feel like I need guidance on how to approach this whole thing...
     
  18. baristajedi

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2015
    Messages:
    2,831
    Likes Received:
    823
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone

    Yes that’s true, it is all about honesty and communication I suppose...
     
    looking for me likes this.
  19. Mihael

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2015
    Messages:
    2,635
    Likes Received:
    509
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it's a difficult and subjective question where exactly the line lies. I think you should follow your gut about it. Either you will bring it up or the other person will at some point. Unless you go each in a different direction before, which happens too.
     
    looking for me likes this.
  20. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    the three main tools for Poly am are Honesty, Communication, and Respect. same as any relationship, but with multiple relationships its magnified. communication is the biggest though, like a friend said it's like lube, when you think you have enough add some more.