Small Victories

so I was chatting with my sister in law at her bakery yesterday, and she said the I was like a different person. she said I seem so much happier, relaxed. all I could do was smile.

 

And for my first ever photo comparison, here is me pre-T versus now (4 months on T).

Spoiler

 

just shows a couple X's?

 

Not really victories but yesterday I went to finally get my hair done after debating what to do for the last 5 months. I've now had it dyed cherry red and I love it even if I haven't got use to it yet. (its very close to the wig I'm wearing in my profile pic.) Not only that but talking to my hairdresser really helped as well with him giving me the advice to be how I want to be and F*** what anyone else thinks. And to do whatever makes me happy whatever I decide I am. He also said I could always message him for advice on stuff as well as some other things he said so although the conversation made me feel a little uncomfortable I left feeling really happy.

Was worried about how my skittle team was gonna react but apart from some gentle banter made in good fun it was good. One player even made a joke about me looking like a girl and although it was meant as a joke I liked the fact that I look feminine.

With my growing confidence I'm also planning to finally post an actual photo of my feminine self on the blog I write. (Although only one person I know reads it)

 

Yesterday I had a doctor's appointment, and I told her about my being trans. It wasn't my original plan, since it was just to renew my prescription and not a physical, but she had asked me if anything "big" has happened since I last saw her. And since it was to renew my anti-anxiety meds, I felt that discovering I'm trans was something I should add. Not only did she take it well, she asked if I had a name I would like to be referred to! So, that was awesome. On an unrelated note, my dad has taken to calling me numb nuts when I do something dumb (which sounds bad, except my dad expresses affection by teasing, so by calling me numb nuts, he's basically saying that he loves me and accepts me for who I am).

 

I've got the most amazing friends I could wish for. I tried out my new name this weekend and it went great. Nobody asked any strange or intrusive questions and everyone just accepted my identity and my wish to be referred to by a different name. Of course people slipped up a few times and used my old name because they're so used to it. But they never did it intentionally and corrected themselves or each other really quickly. In general, it was far less awkward than I worried.The topic was also far less dominant than I expected. For the first time in a long time I felt like I wasn't hiding anything and that was incredibly relieving. I am extremly glad I decided to do this.

The hard thing right now is going back to everyday life tomorrow and being referred to with my old name and the wrong pronouns again until I fully come out.

 

Not a real victory, but the friends whom I didn't ask yet to change name, when they're tipsy, go on slipping into masculine pronouns for me, as if I told them by telepathy xD

 

So for the last few months I have been stressing over finding housing after summer. I expressed some of these concerns to people at the church I attend, and an older couple offered a room in their house to me. Rent free. They want to take me in. I just... if this actually happens I don't know what to say. Like. . . who does that. The gentleman said if I ended up living there, I'd be treated as a part of their family and like a son. Like a son. Never has anyone said that to me before. I'm tentatively set to move there in August.

I am not sure I believe this is even happening. It sounds too good to be true. For so long I've been used to being fucked over, abandoned, or rejected by everyone close to me. How do people like this exist.

 

ok, so big weekend. on friday i went on the radio on a province wide show and talked about my journey and really outed myself to the whole province, i didnt care im out im me. then i spent yesterday afternoon with a local polyamory group and last night with friends at a local pub. then today at a friends house for tea, it was really nice. this victory is that i've been living as me for once, i am learning more about who i am and i am educating and advocating for the LGBTQ+ community in my province.

 

on another victory; yesterday was my one month anniversary of living as myself full time. i posted that on my FB and a troll, actually a cousin, came at me with pure crap demanding to know what bathroom i go to, calling me the F word, etc. and my friends went at him tooth and nail defending me, i blocked the moron but i felt soooo happy that my awesome friends rallied to me soo quickly and so whole heartedly. so my victory here is i know who the hater is and i know how my real friends will defend me and how much they love me.

 

I'm starting to be really proud of you ;-) you're part of history now.

 

Thank you very much Daniel. to tell the truth, im not done yet. im doing a panel next month,like the one i did earlier this month, there may be TV there again and i told the organizer id speak on tv if he/they need someone from the panel to chat.

 

Well I decided to do my make up and do some more photos. However as I always have problems with light I wanted to go outside so even though it was only my back garden which is 90% secluded it did feel like crossing another boundary by stepping outside. Pleased with some of the photos but even better when I looked into the mirror to adjust my wig before heading out, wow, even I was taken back by how I looked. I usually have really low self esteem over my looks both as male and female so this really was a boost to me.

 

that little step outside is HUGH, I did it one night a couple years ago, on my back deck in the dark but it was Fabulous. congrats hun.

 

My binder is finally here! It arrived today, after almost a month..and it's better than what I expected!

 

I was riding my bike today when all of a sudden this girl sticks her head out of the SUV passing by me and says "hiiiiii~" Then the car slows down. I cautiously ride up, wondering what they want, because I didn't recognize the girl. The driver then says out of the girl's open window, "My girlfriend thinks you're cute" as I'm rolling by.

Not sure what that was about, but I was a little flattered nonetheless.

 

I saw my gender therapist for the first time today, and it was awesome! I went out in public for the first time presenting as a girl, my therapist addressed me as Olivia, and we had a wonderful session addressing both my gender identity and feelings of anxiety and depression. It felt incredible to be addressed as a girl, and my therapist was very insightful. I can't wait to go back!

 

A person said that he sees me more like a father in the future (I was not even out!). After saying "hey, I didn't expect that motherly side from you" (I was worrying for him). I'm the junction of two universes. *walks around in queerness*

 

I just measured my vocal range and I'm squarely a baritone!!! The highest notes area little squeaky because my voice still cracks sometimes, but I'm a fucking baritone!

 

a good therapist who gets it is like pure gold. congrats on your first time out in public, it gets easier now every time you do it. I hardly think about it anymore, just on with the hair, quick make up and off I go.