Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kasey, Dec 11, 2014.
Just checked and saw my adam‘s apple is developing! Yeah!
Harjus- As Crisalide said the bad thing fade away. Not only does it help to move forward physically, but also mentally.
What others don't understand, they make fun of, put down, or ridicule. They think that by doing so they feel better than someone else. Such blindness only makes them less.
Those who are truthful to themselves, and others, will always move forward through life.
Keep walking your path.
This is a long post. I have thought a lot of things and this happened. Forgive me.
We tend to be strong and tough physically in my family. I got good genes I guess. When I was younger people always wanted to make me compete in different sports but I don't have nerves for that. It's the same for many of us. Even my 90 years old grandma is really strong. Honestly it's weird how strong she is.
I remember one "long distance" running test at school. I thought I wasn't fit at all and I took off my shoes and socks as a joke. Then my performance was way off the charts. The teacher was very confused because I told her I don't really exercise. She held a speach about the importance of exercising and then asked me about what I do. I said I did nothing. People just went really quiet. I was bullied badly and I was one of the smallest people in my age group but nobody talked about that day in the forest. (After another test I heard somebody laughing at my manly strength but after noticing I heard them they shut up). I was kind of special to that teacher although I couldn't do team sports and that was pretty much all we did. I ran bare footed in a ground full of stones, pine cones, roots and stuff and while others were getting warmed up I ate berries from the bushes because I didn't care. Maybe it was those berries... Eat berries people! I ate a lot of berries and plants straight from the forest where I spend a lot of my time. Even those really sporty people who had loads of medals couldn't beat me and I didn't even really try.
Nobody competes in my family because of the nerves but when we get together to do some physical stuff, like moving somebodys' belongings, we get it done pretty quickly. We are also flexible. I was freakishly flexible when I was younger and I still am quite bendy. I have been thinking that I could be really good at belly dancing but do I have the courage... I know I can move like that and it looks cool. There are male belly dancers. Maybe some day. I should go with my grandma. She moves her hips as a party trick all the time. We would be great belly dancing duo and we would confuse people so much. A man and a 90 years old grandma belly dancing and moving like snakes. People would be extremely confused.
When you have bad dysphoria it's easy to overlook even good stuff like this. I have abused my body a lot and hated it but I really should give it some gredit. It's a good body. I am lucky to have it. I got great stamina and flexibility and people in my family live very long lives. Why have I hated it so much? It has endured things that could have been fatal. I have thought that pretty much any cis body would be better than this but maybe it's not even true. For a long time I have liked drawing different bodies because the individuality of every single one of them is a beautiful thing. I saw great things in everybody else and envied them because I hated my own body so much. It was like I had nothing. I now feel like my body is like that ugly little knife wrapped in some dirty fabric. Looks useless but it's actually really sharp and a really reliable companion every time you need it in a long journey. We often hate the things that actually make us special.
Those people who were mocking me are some generic small minded people. They gave me fuel unintentionally. I am used to people mocking me some way. I still feel like that was the last straw. My grandma was bullied a lot by different people too. It went on and on until she was about my age, almost 30 she said. She told me once she grew claws at that age. She is creative, strong and kind. She went through a war as a child, lived in another country as a refugee for some time. She went through it and while feeding all of us a lot of berries she has raised a great family and everybody respects her because she remained as herself through that tough life. She is soft, tough, extremely wise, honest and true. That's how I would like to be.
It's great to discover physical gifts but the greater thing is to take another step mentally. Being ok in our bodies as transpeople is tough. Especially when we get nasty comments very often. And even if you just want things that are a bit weird or do weird stuff (running isn't weird though I think. It's weird t think it's weird. There is good weird and bad weird too) it's so easy to get insecure. Just developing as a person or just in some skill can help. There are some things you can do no matter what you look like.
Who knows what life is about? I know it's not about putting others down. Those haters affected me a lot in that moment like they have always done. I tend to let them under my skin. Those people always like to pretend that somebody told them all the secrets of life.
I wore my binder out in public for the first time tonight when I went to meet some friends. It felt pretty good
so i had speech therapy again today. she said that i have reached and can maintain my pitch, perfectly for my voice
now she wants me to work on intonation, and non verbal communication. she had me keep pitch for over a half hour, and i managed to keep the flow fairly good, along with my hands etc. feeling very accomplished. now i need to be able to do it long term and find the courage to do it full time, she said that after i do that for awhile, i will have trouble shifting to my lower, previous voice.
I might be on T by Christmas/before the New Year! I’m so excited!
My dad says I should take a picture of myself/my face every day and record my voice. Or he’ll do it for me. He’s just the best dad ever.
I definitely passed once at work(in gender neutral clothing, aka my work uniform, none the less), possibly three times. Had a customer specifically refer to me as "she" to her husband. Another guy I helped said "thank you very much dear" which I'm fairly certain means he read me as female. I don't know too many guys who call other guys "dear." Another older woman I helped referred to me as "dear" and "hon," though I am aware some older women call anybody that, I'm counting it.
In other news, I'm now going to be parting my hair on the side and wearing highlighter every day....
Wooohooo. that's fantastic hun.
I'm not really sure this is a small victory, but it feels like one.
In these days my mood is not very good but yesterday I had a wonderful surprise: I have long wavy hair and I'm not even transitioning, but for some trick of the light I looked into the mirror and my mind registered my reflection as male. It was strange, but it felt definitely right.
Only later I understood what probably happened: somehow my hair looked like Loki ones (the black shoulder-lenght unruly hair that he has at the beginning of "Thor - The Dark World") and my tired mind made the association "long unruly hair = male". The funny thing is that now I'm deadset about managing to obtain that look every day
To the ones wondering what I'm referring at, here is a picture of Loki
Spoiler: I was referring to this image
I talked for the first time to therapist about gender dysphoria. He's so young that he's been practicing only for one year, but he didn't recognize the expression "gender dysphoria" and knew only "gender identity disorder", and that makes me reflect on the need to update teaching in Italian universities *sigh*
He opened the latest DSM manual on pc, read aloud about gender dysphoria and said: "Well, we might give you - at some point of the therapy - a paper for the endocrinologist..."
That paper will have the logo of the university printed on it because it's a university service. I would have never expected its logo on such a thing LOL.
the important thing is to get that letter so you can get the HRT. unless im misreading the situation?
I actually don't care which words he uses. I was just surprized because he finished "recently" to study.
sometimes they're the best, no old school hangups.
Got my T date. December 13th baby.
Wow! This is not a small victory
wooohooo fantastic bud.
so ive written about going to speech therapy to fem my voice. well, a couple days ago I decided to use my higher pitch all the time, where I used to 'hide' it while at work. im here 7 hours a day and wasn't building the proper habits in strengthening my voice. so yesterday I was talking to my regional manager, the one im out to and is helping me, and she said she can really hear a difference in my voice. we didn't have a chance talk about it so I could ask her if it sounds more 'fem' as the meeting was starting and everyone came in the conference room. but that's my victory for the day.
Saint Lucy's day. Light. (random folkloristic detail)
om cyproterone now. doctor says i can start estrogen when ever i want too now
That’s great, Alec!