Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kasey, Dec 11, 2014.
oh my god that's gorgeous on you
Today i used the travel size men's shampoo/conditioner and body wash that i bought. I was surprised that such a small thing made me feel so excited. Just calling myself a guy and my new name in my head makes me feel so happy and confident. I identify, at the moment, tentatively, as transmasculine so i admit there's a girl in there somewhere, but its small enough that while I can't deny it, it doesn't define me. Its not me, and i'm starting to realize feeling it out and exploring for the first time that maybe that's why I've been so self conscious and timid and possessed no confidence at all throughout my life. Doing this, it just feels right and it makes me happy, so i'm gonna go out there on a limb and explore a bit. Try stuff I've always wanted to try. I just need to work up the courage to order a binder from amazon...i'm still terrified that something on the packaging or the label will give me away should it come while i'm at work. Everyone orders online at the house so a random package left waiitng on the counter, they're gonna check it to make sure is not theirs.
I got a "sir" yesterday. I started grinning and the checkout girl must have thought she made a mistake so she says " sorry, ma'am" but I kept on grinning. Made my day. This hasn't happened in a loooooong time.
Sebby, LunarLyric - yay
Sent of my old exam certificates to get my name changed on them, it's the last thing I've needed to change my name on until I can apply for a gender recognition certificate next year and get my birth certificate reissued. Feels like a weight off my shoulders until then at least.
met with my speech therapist this morning, she's really excited and thinks we can get to a fem voice from my present voice. going to take a lot of practice but i know i can do this because i have to do this.
I succeeded in confusing myself even further. I was grinning like an idiot when I finally figured out how to pack last night. It felt right and i felt relaxed and confident, and i'm always tense and unsure and anxious. Because i can't risk experimenting with packing during the day, i opted to just keep it in and go to bed. When i woke up, the first thing i noticed was, immediately, was that it came out - 'wait, where is it where'd it go' was my first though. I think it came out because i haven't bought boxers yet idk. This is all new to me. It really bothered me having to get up and get ready for the day, to shower, and not having something down there. I also wondered if that was why i sit so oddly when i'm alone at home...i'll sit so that my ankle is positioned so that despite knowing its just my foot, it will feel like there's something there. But i was always self conscious about it and never let anyone walk in and see me sitting like that. And i don't think i processed it as consciously, intentionally being for that reason i just did it and preferred it.
Warning: Relevant storytime! And then i remembered how as a kid my mom bought me jeans that i can only guess were too big (cause she would never buy them from the boys section) because when i sat down on the bus to go to school or in the car they scrunched up so it looked like i had something down there. And i was totally fascinated by that as a kid! I loved it. I mean i loved poking and prodding it too, cause i was young, but I also liked it. I was old enough to understand, b/c i had a little brother, that boys and girls were different but not old enough to get why.
I felt the same the first time I put on a bra, and yes stuffed it, it felt like something was missing when I had to take it off. and I was in my very early teens back then too.
Wow. Its great to hear someone else feels / has felt the same. Someone else had a similar story on another thread, of feeling similarly the first time he tried something. Makes me wonder if I really am trans or transmasc, and i'm just that good at hiding it from myself, or not. idk. The more i experiment, the more right it feels. Like all of a sudden i'm correcting pronouns in my head, and calling myself a guy in my head, but that doesn't feel 100%. Could be that i'm used to being called a girl though.
it does take a bit of time to get used to changed pronouns. I used to have to focus on keeping self talk on the proper pronoun instead of the one I was given at birth. now I have to focus the other way so I can keep the male façade up, but that is on a very limited time scale. after my coming out date, it's all her all the time.
I'm still here, my heart is still beating, I'm still breathing... and sometimes that in of itself is victory enough.
I updated my profile on [unnamed social media account] by adding 'Gay'. How many people read those things, I don't know, but I still did it.
The brain can be intimidatingly good at self-erasure and hiding things.
After walking around the mall 2 or 3 times, I finally worked up the courage to buy a dress shirt and tie from the men's section.
That's great! I was the same yesterday, i walked around the men's section a good 2-3 times and got spooked out of picking something up once by a customer before i finally picked out what i wanted and bought it. I was happy to see that i wasn't the only woman (well, presenting anyways) in there - i think i saw just as many women perusing around as men. One of whom by her clothes seemed to prefer the men's department. Come to think of it i see women customers in men's shirts often enough working...maybe i don't need to be so scared after all haha.
As you can see, i'm finally just barely confident enough in this to change my signature and gender. Still not confident enough to come out on my other forum, though. I keep wondering if i'm trans enough despite all of these things i'm noticing. Like how i shaved down there today (which i never do, sorry TMI) and it bothered me afterwards. And trying to pack last night in the men's section underwear bothered me too because, of course, a rolled up pair of socks will move. But these are both victories in a way because, in addition to my work story story, they have helped convince me enough that i am finally willing to change my signature and gender.
That's wonderful, LunarLyric, well done! It's amazing how small changes can really make a difference, eh?
i had my 4th laser session today, the tech even upped the power a bit and it didnt hurt near as much as the first time.
had my 4th laser this afternoon, didnt hurt near as much as the first time, and my beard is a lot less, one more step on the path...