Small thought: Boundaries and Gender Identities.

Hello all!!

First of all...I was trying to make a new account for this website, but it told me I already made an account 4 years ago (I don't remember this at all). Perhaps I was questioning my identity looong before I realized it, ha.

Ok, on with the actual post/

I've been seeing a therapist that deals with gender identities and the transgender community, so I'm fairly good thereon at least figuring these things out. One of the topics I wanted to discuss with her is the boundary I've clearly set on between being male/female with some mixed feelings here and there. I'll explain:

For day dreaming/fantasy settings or role playing related stories (like, role playing forums), I've always imagined myself as a guy. No exception xd. I'm fairly at ease with the voice I've created and the features that are typically attributed to men and playing it out like I am one. For now, this is pretty easy to reconcile and connect with.

I've further divided my in real life into several areas where I take on different pronouns. For instance, I've taken to the art of drag kings or cross dressing in order to further realize these qualities that I like to embody. For these parts, I would vastly prefer the pronoun he/him/his. For now, I think this isn't a big deal. This goes for the same for cosplaying (I love playing armored characters because it's easier to portray a masculine approach behind a mask). This is pretty ok and well defined.

I think I get a bit more confused when I try to act like myself online. For the vast majority of the time, when I imagined myself talking about hobbies or interacting with other friends online, I would also vastly prefer the he/him/his pronouns. It's more confusing for me because in real life I don't have a huge conflict between presenting as she/hers. Thus, I feel like my friends would initially be jarred but try to slowly get used to the 2 different aspects of my person. This is maybe hitting closer to home since it now involves in real life persons.

In real life, I do go with she/her pronouns officially, but since looking into the effects of hormone therapy and how I've perceived my ideal self and my questioning of my physical identity, I would look forward to being a very butch woman lol. This is a topic for another matter, but for now I don't feel any conflict with being she/her in person.

My questions for this is how to deal with not minding being called a he in real life. When introducing myself, would I say "I use she/her pronouns, but I don't mind being called he/him/his"? I wonder how others would react to this. I would also be somewhat nervous, becuase to me there is a very profound dichotomy between using both pronouns of she/her AND him/his in real life. To have already set a category and and male pronouns for literally all other aspects of my life, combining them in real life together would break that sense of divide that I've already established. For this aspect, I would want perhaps thoughts/or advice on how to sit with using those 2 pronouns in the same area of life. This may warrant more details, but for now I lack words to describe this :/...

I'm not sure whether I want advice, or some thoughts from others. Both are very, very welcome. Perhaps I want to see how common it is to try to portray yourself as the opposite gender in almost every other aspect of your life except in real life (occasionally) ha..

Anywho, writing this has become very cathartic and I an relieved I have words to place somewhere instead of it in my mind at all the time.

(Does this belong in the right section? I'm not particiarly comming out right now to people in real life however, so perhaps this section will do).