1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Slipping Out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by eron, Aug 14, 2021.

  1. eron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2018
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    So...I"m a completely self-accepting bisexual but trending gay, and fine with that too. I'm very much in the closet, but I think some of my friends are wondering. Recently, I was with some very good friends - a couple. After spending a day together, my friend's wife says - gee it would be nice to do something with you, and maybe a girlfriend or a boyfriend? It was very lighthearted and not intended to pry. I replied by laughing a bit and being noncommittal. Funny thing - later thinking about her suggestion around my sexuality was kind of a turn on, and it really didn't bother me in the least. I'm wondering if letting things slip out - although in an innocuous and ambiguous way is just the beginning.
     
  2. Ingvermama

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2021
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Eron, I think letting things subtly come out or telling people clearly is good, whatever suits you in that particular situation. I told my husband I was bi quite directly but I told a friend in a text message. It sounds like your friends are accepting of whatever you decide and they will be with you as allies.
    I also love the term ‘trending gay’ I know that feeling, as a bisexual woman I currently feel a very strong attraction to women!
     
  3. eron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2018
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for the reply. Glad you like the term; at least for me, it seemed rather fitting. Although I have still have some romantic attraction to women, my sexual attraction is 95% to men and even the last 5% is questionable - LOL.
     
    Lesbee, Contented and Ingvermama like this.
  4. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,141
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It seems to me that your friend has made it as clear as it can be that it would be perfectly safe for you to come out. Why not take advantage of that situation?
     
    Ingvermama likes this.
  5. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,601
    Likes Received:
    1,288
    Location:
    Idaho, U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    eron.....I so agree with @QuietPeace...your friend gave you an opening so why not go ahead and take it? It's not often that we get a low-key chance to come out where we know there will be acceptance! So don't waste a golden opportunity! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    Ingvermama likes this.
  6. eron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2018
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I have to admit that your advice is compelling and highly worthy of consideration. I see from @quebec and @QuietPeace's post that you're out to "a few people" and "some people." I've never been much for wearing my sexuality on my sleeve, and I guess I always viewed being out as an all (to the world) or nothing proposition, but perhaps that doesn't have to be the case. Just start with one or two close friends who are accepting and go from there?
     
  7. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,601
    Likes Received:
    1,288
    Location:
    Idaho, U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    eron.....There are no rules as to who and how many people to whom you come out . It's completely your choice. I'm out to those that I feel need to know and a few others that I choose to tell because they are friends who are themselves LGBTQ. Some people come out to the world, others do not. You make your own choice and don't let anyone else force you to do other wise! :old_smile:
    .....David :gay_pride-flag:
     
    eron and Ingvermama like this.
  8. DavidDublin

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2021
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Dublin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I kept it to a few people for years until I felt comfortable being out to the world.
     
    eron likes this.
  9. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,141
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    As quebec says who you are out to is a personal thing and it is entirely up to you whether or not to come out to anyone, a few or to everyone.

    As far as me, my status says only a few because only one answer is allowed. I am not "out and loud" about my sexuality nor would I call it "wearing it on my sleeve" but when people do discuss sexuality or are open about theirs I am totally open about the fact that I am Demisexual so many people in my life know my orientation and I used to be totally open about it when I believed myself to me lesbian. What I am not open about is my birth assignment and that is where I am only out to a few people.
     
    Ingvermama likes this.
  10. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    805
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    All of our situations are quite unique, and so too is the uniqueness of our coming out. Before coming out, I was married to a woman with our two children. For me, coming out was an all-or-nothing proposition because I could never ask my family to keep this secret. In your situation, it makes perfect sense to come out to a select group and take it slow.
     
    eron likes this.
  11. eron

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2018
    Messages:
    51
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    Utah
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks @I'm gay. Agree that slow, measured steps would be best. One related question comes up - how do I respond if I'm asked more directly if I'm bi or gay? I guess it would depend on who's asking but I want to be authentic on one hand, but on the other not create unnecessary stress. If it's someone "safe," I'm inclined at this point to let things out a bit more, especially after my experience that started this thread.
     
  12. quebec

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    2,601
    Likes Received:
    1,288
    Location:
    Idaho, U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    eron.....As I mentioned in my earlier post...what you reveal about your sexuality is entirely up to you. If you feel that the person asking the question is, as you say "safe" and you choose to discuss your sexuality with them...go you! :old_big_grin: However, if the opposite is true, then don't be shy about telling them that your sexuality is not a topic that you feel comfortable talking about at the moment. That does leave the door open a crack so that a future conversation might happen. If you simply never want to talk to that person about whom you are attracted to then simply tell them that you don't want to talk about your sexuality. That doesn't leave any wiggle room for a yet-to-come chat! :old_mad: The point here is that you don't have to be out to everyone in order to be authentic. It's your life and your sexuality is actually a very private thing...especially for some people. You get to choose how much information you make public about the private parts of your life and that does not make you unauthentic in any way! :old_rolleyes:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #12 quebec, Aug 19, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2021
    QuietPeace likes this.
  13. I'm gay

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2016
    Messages:
    1,751
    Likes Received:
    805
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I completely understand. One of the benefits of being Out to Everyone is that I no longer have to think about whether or not to reveal. I just do, come what may. I think that once you reach a certain level of "outness" you will likely feel different about it, and that may entice you to be more open with everyone.
     
    eron likes this.
  14. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
    1,706
    Likes Received:
    1,141
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    For me it would depend on the situation. In the case of your friend who made it clear that it would be safe I would be open about it. In a situation where I did not want to reveal I would probably respond with something like "does it matter whether I am nor not? besides why would you even ask such a personal question of someone?" with a very blunt attitude (this is easy for me as I have ASD). You can be totally authentic without loudly proclaiming your orientation to every person that encounters you. Choosing who you will and will not tell does not make you inauthentic.
     
  15. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,090
    Likes Received:
    1,470
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I’m gay is right on, once your completely out it is much easier. There is only one answer and you never have to think about it. Coming out can be very difficult, being out is a whole easier.
     
    Ingvermama likes this.