Recently, maybe due to self isolation and having a lot of me time, I have been questioning my own identity. For a long time I thought of myself as non binary, since being a female never fit me. I told my mom that I'm non hetero and non binary and she is relatively fine with it. I'd add that my first language likes to gender words quite a lot, you can't address yourself unless you use some form of she or he. Lately I've been more aware of things that I would always dismiss. For example, I always felt a slight discomfort whenever someone would address me as she or use feminine gendered language. Now that I've been noticing it more and more it's become REALLY uncomfortable. After I came out as non binary, I changed the way I look so you can't tell which gender I am. But I had always hoped that people would mistake me as a man and when they did it made me feel really happy. I dismissed this feeling however. Every now and then I tell myself that hopefully in the next life I could be born as a man. I like it when my chest is as flat as possible. I'm always hoping to wake up the next day with male private parts. I think there's high possibility that I'm asexual, but it might have something to do with the fact that I hate the idea of having sex using a vagina. It just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. It feels like there's something holding me back, because in a way I feel like I can be attracted to people, just not as a woman. I want to have sex, but not as a woman. My friend came out as transgender (ftm) and I felt extremely jealous (and proud, obviously). I do hate my female body to the point when I thought about having operation to remove the uterus, because I just don't want to feel like a woman. After thinking about this I realized that it might not be that I want to be gender neutral, but that I want to have a body of a man. I feel like I call myself non binary as a way to disassociate a little bit, because I really don't want to admit how I actually feel. My mom is pretty supportive, but I remember that once she asked me if I wanted to be a man and when I told her no and she felt quite relieved. I'm very close to my mom and I already feel pretty lucky that she accepted me and I don't want to push my luck. She already doesn't like it when I dismiss my femininity and I really don't want to tell her unless I'm 100% sure this is the way I feel. Are there any ways to confirm my feelings a little bit? I'm going to a psychiatrist this month anyway, but since I live in a relatively conservative and religious part of the country, I'm quite worried to bring this up. I'm 19 btw, probably should mention that. Thank you.
Welcome to EC, CatBaldMan! This sounds a lot like how I first started exploring my gender. I originally IDed as non-binary because for me it was a way that I could finally start to feel like myself, but also to not disappoint my family, so I took on more of a neutral role at first. Over the years, and with more confidence in my own identity I started to gradually experiment with male pronouns, expression, etc and felt that I was much more comfortable being referred to as male. I come from a quite conservative place as well, though if you're able to express yourself more masculinely with hairstyles or clothes (expression), you can experiment that way and see how it feels. You can try binding your chest if you're not already with either sports bras or binders, there's some resources here that you can look at that may be helpful: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/resources-on-gender-identity.313233/ You're definitely not alone when it comes to many of your thoughts, as I believe many trans people have had similar thoughts when it comes to sex and their body. It's great that you're already seeking help from a psychiatrist, and they may be able to help you with some of your thoughts as well and how you want to proceed in the future if that's what you want to do.
Welcome to EC. The whole wanting to avoid sex due to discomfort is very familiar. I grew up in a more liberal area but within an extremely conservative family and religious cult so I also understand the hesitation in telling family. Talking to the psychiatrist will probably be ok, as a professional they are not supposed to judge when you are open about such things. I also think that trying different presentation and language like pronouns and such could be helpful.
CatBaldMan.....Hello and a great big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! There is a sub-forum here on EC that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression". If you post there I think you'll find people who will understand how you feel and will be able to offer support and understanding! We are so glad that you have found us here on Empty Closets! .....David
