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Sleepovers

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by TNparent, Jun 14, 2021.

  1. TNparent

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    Hello, thank you for providing an informative and supportive forum. My wife and I have been browsing and reading for some time and found so much of the information helpful in providing a safe, welcome, and celebrating family environment for our 16 yo son who came out as gay to us at Christmas and who came up publicly on his birthday in February.

    A big question that we have had is how to deal with sleepovers with a boy who he refers to as his boyfriend. Since April they have slept over at our house or the other young man’s just about every weekend. Now that it’s summer, it has been almost nightly (or at least asked to have them nightly. A parent would never limit a straight child from sleepovers with friends, and we don’t want to. However, since these kids are “more than friends”, we wanted advice on ground rules, expectations, etc. without being seemingly unaccepting. Thanks in advance and thank you for offering this forum EC.
     
    quebec and Lemony like this.
  2. PatrickUK

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    Thanks for joining and providing great feedback and thank you for being a supportive parent. It may seem like the only logical way to be towards the son you love and adore, but we hear of so many parents who are anything but supportive towards their LGBT kids.

    If your son and his boyfriend have been staying at each others homes most weekends since April, I wouldn't now introduce limits or restrictions. Yes, there is a slightly different dynamic to their relationship than platonic friendship, but a relaxed approach will engender more love and respect than a rules based approach.

    Without wishing to state the obvious, it is possible (likely) they are sleeping together and being intimate with each other. Clearly you don't want to pry into all of this too much, but you've probably noticed that we place great value on safe sex here and nothing can be assumed or taken for granted, even with 16 year olds. Depending on the nature of your relationship with your son, would you be able to have a relaxed conversation with him about safe and healthy sex and ask him if there is anything he needs in this regard? If not I would leave him a note to the same ends.

    Just my thoughts. Hopefully a few other members will chime in too.
     
    clockworkfox and TNparent like this.
  3. TNparent

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    Patrick,

    Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Your response echoes our thoughts that to impose guidelines and/or restrictions now, would not go over well and cause unnecessary tension. I guess my purpose in asking the question was if we should make an attempt to make the possibility of intimacy between the two more difficult, because we have suspected that they have been. We just think that most parents aren’t going to allow straight couples spend the night with each other at that age. We certainly acknowledge having two male children spend the night with each other is a totally different situation.

    As far as the discussion with my son about safe sex, any advice on how to “casually” bring it up? :slight_smile:
     
  4. SteveBi45

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    I think it's great that you are supporting your son and being on this forum to find out more.

    As a parent myself, myself and my wife agreed many years ago (and after much debate) that we would allow our kids to have their boyfriends/girlfriends over at our house. They are not at that age yet, but it's not far away. We talk very openly with our kids about sex and safe sex, etc. and have the opinion that when they reach a certain age, they are going to be sexually active, no matter what we do or don't do. But at least if they are doing it in our house we know where they are and we know they are safe.

    If you can, I would suggest to simply start a conversation with him about his boyfriend. Ask him how things are going in the relationship and as part of that conversation, bring up the subject of sex and safe sex. Making it a general conversation about how he's doing rather than specifically about sex might help.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    I like what @SteveBi45 wrote above and I think he's right in what he says about sex. If they want to do it, they will. I think it's far better to accept it and know they are safe.

    Just emphasise that you want him to be happy and safe and will do whatever you reasonably can to ensure that he is.
     
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  6. TNparent

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    Thank you so much for the replies!