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Signs of friend being in denial

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by googool, May 17, 2018.

  1. googool

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    Hey guys!

    First of all, thank you for this great forum and your great support here! I'm really glad I found this forum; it helped me a lot to dive into the process of coming out to myself and to some of my friends. I'm a long time lurker and finally decided to sign up and ask you guys for some advice.

    So, I met this guy (with eastern European descent; we are Germans) half a year ago who I suspect to be in deep denial/ in the closet. He is in his mid-twenties and in a LTR with his girlfriend for just over half a decade. We both met at university and we immediately became good friends. Unfortunately we don’t have any classes together currently but we see each other every week, sometimes twice a week and do sports together.
    As I felt more comfortable around him I finally told him that I’m probably bisexual. He seemed to be cool with it, however, he did tell me that he accepts me as a friend but does not want to talk about homosexuality as he feels uncomfortable when doing so (e.g.”I want to distance myself from this”)


    Now the reason why I think he is in denial is that he

    • is homophobic (however not aggressively but told me he used to be even more when he was younger). Gays gross him out… but then again he accepts & likes me.
    • got really defensive and nervous when I asked him whether he was gay/bi and whether he had any gay experiences (eg. “I don’t need any experiences and will never have any. It’s something that YOU need”).
    • never really talks about girls and even when some hot chicks pass by he never looks at them or makes any comments. Quite the contrary, he makes more comments about guys (e.g. “This guy has defined calves. This guy has a nice physique”).
    • touched my thighs briefly while he was naked (after sports and showering). Did that again 2-3 times after that but with his cloths on
    • has lots of female friends, which however is due to the fact that he studies in a field that is predominantly studied by females.
    • made some strange remarks. For example, after showering together I saw him semi hard a couple of times and asked him whether that meant something. He said that he would NEVER get hard in a men’s locker room. I also tried to tease him a little bit and told him he had a nice big dick (I know, I know lol). He answered that his cock not big, one of his friends has a much bigger one. I find that strange.
    • likes to use the word penis in completely unrelated situations and sometimes (but very rarely) talks about gay stuff without me initiating this topic. And then again he feels uncomfortable talking about it..
    • he is effeminate and feminine in his behavior (which I know is not an indicator at all but you know… just for the overall picture). After sports when I get off the tram he would wave good bye to me a couple of times. He also has this gay voice sometimes, especially when he says “Hiiii”. On top of that he listens to some music that you would associate with gay men(e.g. britney spears and some eastern European female singers)
    • kind of overcompensates. (e.g. “I love women. What would the world be without women? I can live without alcohol but not without women”). He also once told me that he can’t sleep when his girlfriend is not at home and he is constantly worrying about her. Well, I do get that you care for your SO but this one seemed so off to me. I mean his girlfriend is not a child any more. Anyway, I think he is in an abusive relationship. She treats him like shit.. but then again you have the Stockholm-Syndrom which makes totally sense to me lol
    • I learned that even his closest friends suspect him to be gay.
    • is kind of secretive about his private life

    He gives me these gay vibes and something seems to be really off about him; as if he is trying to keep up a facade. I don’t know, it’s just my gut feeling that something is not right on this front.


    Now, what do you think? Do you think he is in denial or am I just seeing something that actually is not there? What should I do? I do really care for him… I want him to know that there is nothing he has to hide in front of me and there is really nothing he has to be afraid of…and quite frankly I want to give him a first “nudge” to initiate a process and make him aware that he is ruining his life with not being honest to himself. Probably it’s even none of my business but I don’t want to see him in 40 years’ time with two children unhappy and a messed up life.

    I’m also interested to know whether there are any signs or indicators to spot closeted male homosexuals. I would love to hear @Chip opinion on that :slight_smile: Btw: I'm a huge fan of your posts chip! I find them inspiring and love your scientific approach :slight_smile:
     
  2. RainbowGreen

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    I also think your friend could be gay, but he must come to terms with it himself. There's not much you can do, unfortunately.

    I would suggest not making any comments on his sexuality as that might make him uncomfortable and he might think you're being pushy. By coming out to him, you already force him to deal with it a bit. Show him, by being yourself, that being gay is no biggie.

    If he's bringing the subject up without you needing to say anything, it proves that this is on his mind. Be there for him and let him bring it up when he's ready.
     
    Guywest79 likes this.
  3. rere1

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    Thank you for your reply RainbowGreen!

    So I should basically leave him alone and not talk about it? Do you think that people eventually start talking about it some day? Is there no way to accelerate this process? Any personal experiences?

    You also say that you think that he could be gay. Is there anything specific in my list that makes you come to this conclusion or is it the overall package? I'm very curious and would love to hear how other gaydars work :slight_smile:
     
  4. RainbowGreen

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    I don't feel I have the best gaydar, per say, but I find it suspiscious when guys talk about women too much. If you never catch him checking out women either, that's pretty suspiscious as well, considering he says he loves women so much.

    Anyway, if you want to accelerate things a bit, maybe you can talk casually about being gay. Like, I don't know, make comments about hot guys you see if that's something you do. Bring the subject up when it's appropriate. Maybe you could ask him questions like ''What do you like in women?'', ''What would be the perfect woman?''. See what he says. Maybe you can follow up with your own answers about men.
     
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  5. Guywest79

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    Based
    Based on me....I bet he is bi or gay; as said by others, don't push him out of the closet. I only fully fully accepted self at 44...yes......late. I dated a guy at 32...then went kinda non sexual from about 38 to 44..........i used to feel ill seeing fem gay guys....I would be asked in my early 30s by colleagues...and deny it
     
  6. Luke1818

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    My tell tale signs that ALWAYS work to identify closeted homisexual:
    1. At tge beging of relationship brings gay / homophobic comments out of the blue ( validating reaction)
    2. Conservative, educated family background - catholic
    3. Never had a GF or always had a GFs ( they are either super hot or contrary - ugly Betty type)
    4. His index finger is longer than ring finger
    5. Has older brother (s)
    All 5 put together never failed but he might not realize he is homosexual and if you out him too early he will get deffensive ...I only came out to myself in my late 30's when met this perfect "straight" guy...
     
  7. googool

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    Alright guys, just an update.

    I thought about our friendship and figured out that I don't want to be friends with a homophobic person so I just confronted him in a neutral way with all of the things mentioned above. As expected, he got super mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
    I think your advice "to live and let live" is the right approach if you want to stay friends with that person. I learned my lesson that if you have your suspicion that someone might be gay to never discuss sexuality with this person. There is no point in it. But honestly I'm not unhappy that I got rid of a homophobe :slight_smile: