We have heard of families shunning their children for being gay, but have you ever heard of the opposite? Well I did just that. So I have this relative of mine who's in a similar age group to mine, and we grew up together in the same building (different apartments, but still). I was never 'best friend' with him, but he was still pretty close. He kept on asking me why I don't have a girlfriend etc, so I decided to come out to him (about 3.5 years ago). He's one of the 4-5 people who know about my orientation, and he's among the 3 people that I directly came out to. I came out in message, so his initial reaction was difficult to gauge. Nevertheless, he seemed pretty chill, and we talked about this issue in message overtime (we lived in different countries so face-to-face interactions were not possible). However, pretty recently, he seemed to have a change of heart. He suddenly messaged me saying "Do you know that sodomites do not reach heaven?". This was shocking not only for the content, but also because he was borderline atheist/agnostic all his life (funny, how people always turn religious when speaking against LGBT matters, right?). I made it pretty clear to him that I do not follow religion nor that I will have someone speak to me like that. He apologized but it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Then I met him after going back to my home country a while ago. He seemed to have completely forgotten my coming out session and acted like he had no idea about my gayness. He kept asking me "Are you dating any girl", "Do you like any girl in particular" etc type questions. When I indicated it to him that you already know about me, his response was "What are you talking about?" Before leaving my house, he said, "Do you know this [famous actor] is gay, but he married [this actress] as cover-up? Apparently the girl is in a relationship with another man, but she married him for money and he for cover-up, and this is actually common". Then he left my house... WTF? Was he implying that I should marry someone for a cover-up? He used the word gay so casually as though he had no idea. After that I stopped talking with him and when he asked why, I told him and he said he's warning me because I am going to hell and whatnot ... after that I completely shunned him out. Another one was my sister. She used to be insanely homophobic and made some very unkind comments in the past. I stopped talking with her for nearly a year until she apologized for her behavior. Now we are good. In short - I ain't taking shit from anyone. If you can't respect me for who I am, I sure as hell will not respect you for who you are and don't feel the need to maintain a rapport with you. If it were someone from the old generation (like my grandma or grandpa), I could understand. But people from this generation has no excuse to be homophobic. Now they are family and I will not completely shun them out of my life. Of course if they are dying or something, I will meet him. But I sure as hell won't want his company in my life. If we aren't tolerant of racists, misogynists, etc, we shouldn't be tolerant of homophobia as well.
I don't know why, but I am totally getting the vibe that your relative is deep in denial and deep in the closet himself. Sounds like projection on you to me.
I'm sorry you had such an unsupportive experience with your relative. Sometimes, people are so deeply steeped in their religious ignorance that they simply cannot find it within themselves to be supportive. Depending on how much you care about this relationship, I would see three options: 1. Have a very clear and unequivocal conversation with no room for misinterpretation. Something like: "I need you to understand that I am gay, it is who I am, I will be dating and eventually marrying a guy, and that will never, ever change. I am not interested in dating women or having a "cover-up" marriage. I actually find that suggestion highly offensive. So your choices are to accept and embrace who I am, and agree to not ever make any judgmental or homophobic remarks, or, if that is not possible, then you'll need to understand that we will not be able to continue to be in communication." 2. Simply write him off entirely and stop engaging. 3. Give up on trying to get him to change, and just ignore his bigoted comments. The piece to understand is that you can't control his behavior, but you can set boundaries and insist that he honor them, on penalty of your ending the relationship.
I hate to be that girl, but I'm about to be that girl... the pedantic girl. That means I get snagged on details. And I gotta say something. What you did is take toxic people who were trying to control your self-image and refuse to let them continue to do so. You didn't "shun" them. Shunning is... different. I'm from a state in the US which is, let's say, a tad conservative. One of the reasons for that is the tremendous amount of farmland, and a great deal of it is owned and operated by the Amish. They are - to my knowledge - the originators of the cultural practice of "shunning," or at least the originators of the modern terminology, as I'm certain other cultures have done this before. Regardless, to "shun" one is not to confront them with the hypocrisy of their position or on the injustice of their actions and then allow them time to process it, but to consider one to be as dead; to not speak with or even acknowledge them for the rest of your life. One who is shunned is never given the chance at recompense; instead, they are irreversibly turned away, independent of their penance or remorse. It is a tool to maintain adherence to a specific doctrine. Now, I think we can ALL AGREE that we, in the Queer Community, SHOULD NEVER treat anyone this way. There is no enemy to us who is beyond redemption if they truly want it! We should of course be vigilant against any who would use this good nature against us, but we should never be so restrictive as to deny someone forgiveness or acceptance as ally or - ESPECIALLY - one of our own who was lost in deep and painful denial. With great respect and consideration to OP, of course! Don't be ashamed of taking control of your personal life! And to everyone else, don't EVER be ashamed of removing toxic or malignant people from your life, with or without warning! Your mental health is primary, everything else comes second! However, the best revenge is to rise above, to prove your justice and your love are kinder. No opponent, no matter how cruel, can stomach being treated with more kindness than they deserve. If you care for nothing else than revenge, remember that. Regardless of who you are, no matter how heartless or merciful, I hope love, respect, and sweet hugs from someone you love and trust find you very soon!
This hit close to home for me- but I currently can't cut them out (and it wil deeply hurt me when I do). I was found out, and while my mom was religious before, she grew doubly so after. I think that reason for your cousin and my mom being suddenly religious is fear. Where the fear is coming from or the specific fear is unbeknownst to me. You could ask why he's had this sudden change of heart, but sometimes cutting people out is best.
@DragonChaser I think shunning was the wrong word. I am not completely shunning him or anyone out. If we ever meet (which is unlikely in recent times as we live in different countries), I am sure we will be cordial with one another. I'd wish him on his birthday. If he needs a help, I'd probably do it. But I don't think I will like to be best buddies with him. Or even talk with him on a regular basis. Only for formal/important/urgent issues yes. But not all the time as friends do. Like I said, if he can't respect my sexuality, then I sure as hell won't respect the bond we shared. I have suffered shit loads for my sexuality. I ain't taking shit from anyone regarding that. Especially people from this generation has no excuse. He's an educated and liberal guy. He is OK with me fucking 100s of girls, but not OK with me being attracted to same sex. This kind of sheer hypocritical attitude will not work for me.
It sounds to me like this relative of yours didn't take you seriously enough, hence him forgetting that you're gay. Either that, or he just has a lousy memory--but I'm inclined to think he put it out of his mind for convenience's sake, which is a shame; if he could just see past the religious indoctrination and see you as you are, that would make things much easier for everyone. Unfortunately, reality seldom runs so smoothly. I'm sorry he's been so stubborn about it. Chip's right--you have a few options here, and whichever you choose is entirely up to you. But if this relative cannot respect/accept you as you are, then he has no place in your life. Maybe that will change in the future, and if it does, whether you let him back into your life or not is again your choice. I just hope, for both your sakes, he smartens up and leaves the subject alone (at the very least).
