1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Shout out to Married mums

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Jay91, Aug 23, 2021.

  1. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Looking for chat with anyone in same position as me or similar to try and make things easier....

    Mums in a straight marriage but secretly gay/bi and living a 'lie'

    anyone that's experiencing similar life I would like to talk to to share experiences and help each other as I'm finding it tough :slight_smile:
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    3,968
    Likes Received:
    1,910
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi @Jay91

    I’ve been in a similar situation and found it very hard too. Living a pretence pretty much 24/7 is exhausting.

    What are you planning going forward? How are you planning to address how you’re feeling? From my experience, it gets harder over time, rather than easier, but taking steps forward, even small ones, eases the feeling of being suffocated and trapped. It gives a sense of taking back control.

    If you are considering making any changes, I would suggest breaking it down in to small steps. Thinking about it all at once can be overwhelming.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Aug 23, 2021
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2021
  3. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Firstly, thank you for your message.

    I literally have no idea, I have been with my husband for 13 years and we have one child and one on the way... not planned... but will obviously still love it as much as the first. I know I have been gay pretty much all my life but I guess too scared to admit it and ended up 'living this lie' and it's lasted this long I don't ever think I can tell him as I am far too scared to break his heart as he is amazing. I did go with a women not so long ago and it felt perfect, I didn't feel guilty to him which some people might say is very bad but I didn't everything felt right I wouldn't dream of doing that behind his back with a man, but my feelings towards women this felt so right. Since then I am finding it soooooo hard to squash these feelings towards women anymore. Plus with a kid on a way it's even harder to know what to do!
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    3,968
    Likes Received:
    1,910
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    That’s understandable. It’s always a tough situation, but must be even more so with another child on the way.

    How’s your relationship generally? Do you think your husband could be aware that something isn’t quite right? Children can pick up on these things too, particularly if resentment grows over time and the environment becomes tense. Can you realistically see yourself still in this relationship five or ten years from now?

    There’s no perfect or one single solution to these situations, and there’s no rush to do anything in particular. Take some time to think things through, but within that remember to consider the consequences of staying, as well as the consequences of leaving. It’s really easy to focus on the impact that separating would have on your lives and see staying as the “easy” option. I’m not saying that leaving is easy because it’s certainly not, but staying is not easy either. As above, resentment can grow, which can have a significant negative impact on your relationships and mental health. It can become unbearable, which is not a good situation for anyone.

    I’m not suggesting that you do anything in particular here. Just suggesting that you consider the full picture and consequences of all possible options.
     
  5. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I appriciate them words; thank you so much.
    It's been a tough few years as I have struggled with my mental health so I havnt really been 'myself' if that makes sense, so he probobly hasn't noticed anything different due to me been poorly.

    it's just so hard to know what to do, I said on a previous thred in my head I just hoping in reincarnation so therefore I can come back and live a completly different life :frowning2:.
     
  6. Ingvermama

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2021
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Well I’m here, but you know my situation :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Heyyy yes thank you lovely :hand_splayed::grin:
     
  8. Alex33121

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Jay91, I'm not exactly in the same situation but similar enough. I'm a trans male who have just recently came to terms (or almost have) with my identity a few months ago although it's been there since I was very young. I thought I was going to be able to live happily as a woman for the rest of my life and did everything to mix with the female population without talking about it for 36 years.

    I've been married for the last 10 years and have a daughter from this marriage. The last 7 years have been tough for me as I was falling into a very bad depression without stop until I realised one of my biggest problems was that I was living this lie, I didn't want to have sex at all and motherhood didn't help either and in fact worsened the situation. At the end I just wasn't able to keep going this way even though my husband is an amazing guy. I didn't want to be this kind of parent. Therapy did great for me and gave me the strength to face this new and scary path. Also Therapy is doing great for him as well.

    I tried to imagine myself in 20 years old and looking back to this precise moment and got really scared about the unhappiness I'm pretty sure I will have so I decided to break the relationship. He is still young and he is my friend, I'm sure he will be able to reinvent himself again now. Not sure in 20 years.

    Have you give a thought about therapy or couples therapy? It's not an easy decision to stay or to leave and either path you take you might benefit of counselling or something like that?
     
  9. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I really appriciate it all. It's quite a similar situation if not fully the same, feelings and Emotions will be the same for us both I guess....

    You are so strong for being able to take that step and start this journey and Thst your husband has stayed friends with you.

    how did he take it if you don't mind me asking?

    I just really don't want to hurt him as he is incredible and I do love him so so much but just not in that way. I can't see me living without him, all I have known is been with him since I was only 17 when we got together he in a way is like my safety blanket too.

    I can't have sex with him either so I get that, unless I've been drunk which we did when we conceived my current child I am pregnant with. It's all just a mess.

    I really appriciate you sharing you story and wish you find your happiness :slight_smile: x
     
  10. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Just to add to my above,

    I am already in therapy for other reasons and I have mentioned about my sexuality to them.
     
  11. Alex33121

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Jay91!

    Thanks for saying I'm brave. I wan to believe that I'm setting an example for my daughter to really fight for her happiness even though sometimes it can be really scary.

    With my husband, well I use to enjoy "what if" conversations, so we used to talk a lot about things we didn't do, for any reason, before getting married or having kids like: Living in Australia for some months, Studying Archaeology, Having same gender sex , Living as a male for a year... Also I started asking him questions about his unusual interests in order to create this safe space. Before telling him I introduced the idea of me starting therapy but focused on sex as I wasn't enjoying it and I was concerned... then, I explained that I was going to find a therapists not only specialized in sexuality but also in Gender Identity because I was scared about this thoughts. All this took some time. The day I finally told him He was obviously sad because He realised that was something he wasn't able to fix for me and that this was the end. I gave him time to think, I told him I understand he could feel resentful or angry for a while but that I was going to still be there when He wanted to talk. I have to say He wasn't surprised about this at the end, on the contrary He felt relieved because. He suddenly knew the problem wasn't his to fix (talking about sex and depression). It's not easy but He is my best friend and for that reason we will get through this in the best way, for that and for our daughter. He was even ok with the idea of keep being a couple even if I decide to transition but I don't want to keep working on the relationship while I work on myself and also I want to be with a woman.

    You're so young when you started with him so it's logical that you left out a lot of experiences and you might get surprised about what he keeps for himself in his mind. Maybe this could be his opportunity as well to do what he didn't do because of that?

    Sorry for my English, I hope it's good enough to be understandable.
     
  12. Ingvermama

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2021
    Messages:
    167
    Likes Received:
    86
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What a brilliant reply from Alex33121.
     
  13. Alex33121

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
  14. Alex33121

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2021
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you! :kissing_heart:
     
  15. Jay91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2021
    Messages:
    48
    Likes Received:
    19
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people

    Hey firstly, thanks so much for your in-depth reply really appriciate it.

    Wow, is what I can say, what an incredible journey you have been on and sounds like just the start of your new life but you have come so far and the sounds of how you tackled the process was absolutely great, did your therapist help you with all of this?

    he sounds like an incredible man to stick by you, and it's very nice to hear. He's ten years older then me and has experienced lots in life before he met me that I never had the opportunity to do. For example friends holidays, different relationships etc etc, maybe your right if I hadn't of got with him so young I would have explored more and been in a different situation and could of potentially been
    With a women like i want. Who knows what could have happened. I really am just so so scared to break his heart and end this 'perfect life' we have. He is like my security blanket too with all I have known. When I had an experience with a women (unknown to him) not so long ago, it just felt right, I didn't feel guilt, which I know I definitely would have if it was with a man (I wouldn't dream
    Of doing that) I needed to do it, people may frown, people may call me a cheat; however it was like I needed to do it, and it felt so perfect and it is 100% what I need but it's just I don't think I ever will... it's so hard as you know. Plus I'm pregnant, plus I have mental health issues, plus I need my husband. I don't know it's all a mess.

    Thank you so much for your reply though part of it has shown me there is hope. I really admire your story and want to say well done and
    Thank you.

    And your English is better than mine so
    Don't worry haha x
     
  16. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    3,968
    Likes Received:
    1,910
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been unwell. Do you think the current situation could be adding to that?

    Yes, I felt similar, like I wanted a different life. The first steps were hard, but after that it got easier as I felt more in control.
     
  17. BiGemini87

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    909
    Likes Received:
    715
    Location:
    Pembroke, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, @Jay91! Our situations are different, but I do feel like my struggle is at least a bit similar. To summarize, I'm a bisexual woman of 34, who only came out 2 1/2 years ago. I have limited dating experience prior to my husband, and none at all with anyone of the same sex. I'm happy in my marriage, so that's definitely not a concern--but I do feel like I've missed out on something pivotal. He has given me leave to have a one-time experience with another woman, but I haven't done so as the person I would like it to be with, despite there being mutual attraction, is unavailable. I'm...smitten with her, in a word, so I don't think I could engage in this one-time offer with anyone else. It's very much a "her, or no one at all" situation for me. Some of this (perhaps a lot of it) stems from the fact that she and I are old high-school friends, and we both had feelings for each other back then but in my case I didn't acknowledge them (I was so deep in denial) and she was afraid to put herself out there. So basically I'm dealing with the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens.

    I'm doing my best to come to terms with not being able to change the past and likely not having the opportunity with her, but it's been a struggle.

    How is your relationship overall? Do you think you're entirely uninterested in men, or do you think you're just experiencing an overwhelming attraction to women after denying it so long, so it seems like men are no longer of interest?
     
    #17 BiGemini87, Sep 6, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2021