Hi all, I've been talking to this guy for a little while now, and we both kinda want the same thing - a longterm relationship. Although we're not officially dating yet, It looks as if it's heading that way and I have a few reservations. My first reservation is that he's profusely allergic to dogs, and I happen to own one of worlds notoriously hairiest breeds, a Siberian Husky, who malts everyday. At first I didn't really consider it, but he's said that he can't EVER come around to my house (unless he's wearing a literal hasmac suit) because of his allergy. The only reason this is particularly worrying me is because I am genuinely looking for someone for the longterm, and for me, that includes (eventually) moving in together/buying a house etc. Although that would probably be somewhere in the distant future for us, if at all, I do not see how he and my dog could live together, and there is absolutely no way I'm rehoming my dog. My second reservation regards his 'out status'. Now don't get me wrong, it took me a particularly long time to come out to my family and friends, and I know the struggles that he's going through. He is out to a few of his close friends, but he is not out to any of his family, and he's been like this for years. He lives with his mother (who I've met), and is absolutely wonderful, and from what I can gather, she seems like the type of woman who would accept her son for who he is. (I'm not claiming to know absolutely everything about his situation, but from what he's told me, and my own observations, I don't see any potential problems). It does NOT bother me if we enter a relationship together and it takes him a little while to come out... but it would bother me if he stays closeted for years upon years, because that's not the type of relationship I want to be in... I don't want to be walking on eggshells around his family just incase I accidentally let something slip. He guards his sexuality with so much secrecy, he's never talked to me about even considering to come out. Sorry if these issues sound trivial, but to me, I feel as if we should just be friends. There isn't really anything I can do about the dog situation, and I can't force him come out either. Has anyone on here been through anything remotely similar?
Definitely haven't been through anything similar, but it sounds like you two wouldn't work together. One, your dog is a big part of your life; it wouldn't be fair to you or the dog to have to rehome him/her, and conversely it wouldn't be fair to this guy to have to suffer from his allergies constantly while around you. Even if he never set foot in your home, you could have hair on you from your dog and without knowing it, set off an allergic reaction. So yeah, living together is definitely out of the question. As to him not being fully out--that's a hurdle that I think could be overcome, provided the stipulations you yourself said: as long as your partner doesn't take years upon years of the relationship to come out, it's something you could build toward as the relationship gets more serious. It's unfortunate that you're not entirely on the same page. Friendship really does seem like the only viable option for you and him, though I'm sorry to say it, since you two otherwise sound like you'd work well together.
They do not sound trivial to me. It sounds to me as if you have two clearly deal breaking issues. The dog allergy might be able to be overcome with desensitization shots but they are expensive, take a long time to work and they do not always work. The closet issue. If you want your relationship to be out in the open then never get into a relationship with someone who is closeted. Never get into a relationship expecting to be able to change the person into what you want. Twice I let relationships shove me back into the closet. Two of the worst mistakes I have ever made.
Thank you both for your responses I've only just thought of this, but is it not true that some people can grow out of allergies? He told me that the last time he suffered an allergic reaction was a long time ago, potentially even when he was a young teen... but he's much older now (23). This may just me being hopeful and naive, and I'm not really sure how I could test this theory unless I make him come face to face with the dog... Anyway, I appreciate both of your responses. I think I'm going to just be honest and upfront with him about these issues - I'm sure he'll see my worries. It's such a shame because I really like this guy
There's nothing wrong with holding out hope. Maybe it's something you can suggest to him; test to see if his dog allergy has in fact gone away. If it has, then perhaps you two could have a shot, after all. If not...well, it would be pretty heartbreaking, but at least you'd know you put forth the effort to know for sure. At the very least, it might give you a sense of closure. Whatever happens, I hope things work out for you in the long run, with whoever you might end up with.
