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Should this be the end...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Shell87, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. Shell87

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    Hi everyone,
    I haven't posted in a few months, I took some time out to sort my head out.

    I am 30, 2 children 5 and 10. I realised I was at least bi around 5 years ago but I am still firmly in the closet.
    I have been with my husband since I was 18, we have had a rough road to where we are now, sexuality aside.

    My husband is an ultimate passive aggressor, he has gradually been acting more and more irrational over the past year. He would come home from work in the middle of the day while I was working from home (to check if I'm having an affair), ask me if I was really at work and other such craziness.

    We had a disagreement yesterday about nothing really, but it went on all day, I laid my cards out on the table and told him I knew what was going on in his head, he could not hide it from me. He then spent the entire night answering my questions and I am now shocked to my core, the manipulative things he has done to scorn me for things he offered to do or purposefully trying to hold me back in my career, trying to get me to stop going to the gym, in case I left him. My mind is officially blown!

    He said he will try to work on his behaviour but without therapy, that he refuses to get, I do not see how he will get better.

    I feel as though I owed it to him to come out and say that I am gay and that maybe we should end it, but I was worried it would tip him over the edge. Although, for 12 years he's apparently been messing with my head and here I am worrying about him.

    Does he deserve to know that he can try all he likes to change but even if he does, it won't fix the fact I am gay? Or should I let him regain some emotional stability before dropping this on him?
     
  2. Chip

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    Honestly, if it were me, I'd just get out, as soon as possible. And I'd say as little as possible. You're dealing with someone who's extremely toxic and potentially dangerous, and unwilling to seek professional help. It could be a ticking time bomb.
     
    spartafc, LostInDaydreams and Shell87 like this.
  3. Shell87

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    Hi Chip,

    This has been a worry for some time, but I had no idea until yesterday as to the extent.

    I think I know deep down that I need to leave, but he gives me this sulky broken man face and I end up feeling sorry for him that he is so messed up.

    Thanks for the advice!
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Secretme,

    I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be incredibly difficult and a lot for you to process. I can't imagine that this is a good environment for you or your children, so I agree with @Chip that leaving would probably be the best option. You don't need to tell your husband about your sexuality, particularly if that might put you in a dangerous position.

    Is leaving soon a realistic option for you?

    Take care
     
  5. Shell87

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    I have decided to go to my mum's with the girls, it's way more difficult than I ever anticipated.

    I have explained the situation to him and he actually agreed that it would be good to step back from things and get some space, not that I have any intention of coming back, but if he sees it as a more gradual thing he might not freak out.

    Watch this space....
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Glad you've got somewhere to go and are taking action. Take care
     
  7. DecentOne

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    Please be careful. You don't say he is violent, but that kind of thing comes out worse when the controlling one in the relationship is feeling loss of control. I've heard that in domestic violence situations, the leaving/returning time is the most dangerous.
     
  8. Shell87

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    Hi DecentOne,

    He has never been violent before, he's just manipulative.

    I am at my mum's now, I just hope I can be strong enough to not go back when things with the children get tough.

    Thank you everyone for your advice and support.