Should some things be kept private?

BiCavalier · May 22, 2024

tallslenderguy said: ↑

Been away a few days (i tend to disappear from social stuff when working 13 hour shifts in a critical care setting leave me drained), but just read through this great discussion. Thanks for starting it BiCavalier, i think there's some great response and openness going on.

segue with disclaimer: i consider these just my own thoughts and feelings, not asserting some sort of universal or standard.

"Openness." To me, that is central to relationship, and the more open, the more intimate the relationship is? i'm ridiculously analytical in an attempt to understand stuff, and relationship hasn't escaped my effort to understand. i see us, people, like a box of puzzle pieces and that part of living is fitting those pieces together into some sort of picture.

i believe there are no two puzzles exactly alike, but we do have pieces that fit each others puzzles and that is my simplistic attempt to understand and communicate about "relationship." To me, the more pieces that fit, the more relationship. Some of those pieces may get hidden under the rug or sofa if we want to be in control maybe out of fear or some other emotion or rationale. Then there are pieces that we don't see ourselves because they've fallen between the cracks in the sofa, or in relationship, pieces someone else has hidden. Then there's those pieces we are certain should fit and we find ourselves pounding them with our fist, or applying extra pressure, certain it fits. But, eventually our pieces and those we may be in relationship with, get discovered along the way of putting the puzzle together and suddenly the picture changes. To me, intimate relationship means that we each have enough important (vital?) pieces that fit together with each other to make the 'relationship' sustainable. In my mind, the ideal intimate relationship has the strength and purpose to endure 100% transparency because that is part of what defines "intimate" for me (again, i'm a romantic, i don't know how realistic that is). I.e., can our particular intimacy, pieces that do connect, hold the picture together when other pieces don't fit? Art there enough pieces holding our picture together? For both of us? lol... okay, the analogy helps me put relationship and communication in perspective.

Some thoughts without conclusion:

Knowing what you know now, would you still marry your wife? Would your wife still marry you? Would there be ambivalence that wasn't there prior to you coming out?

To me, the hardest relationships are between those identifying as Bi or versatile. i identify as gay and total bottom. i've learned to be very wary about considering an intimate relationship with a 'versatile' gay guy. i do not want to disappoint him, and my concern is sooner or later he will want or need me to have "top" characteristics. i wonder stuff like two versatile guys together, both wanting to top or bottom. Sure, there is compromise, but i think compromised emotions are not sustainable. And, there is always something missing when we compromise... that 100% i want this factor in both people.

To me, that represents the "pieces of the puzzle" that fit (and hold) us together. As i see it, each person identifying their own vital pieces is part of finding a sustainable relationship and, the next step is, openness. i do not think we can find deeply intimate relationship without that transparency, vulnerability. Once we are open/vulnerable, we discover how secure our 'fit' is.
Click to expand...

Lots here, so I will treat it like a chicken bone and randomly pick and maybe come back to it.

Knowing what I know now, I would get married to my wife again. However, If I knew then what I know about myself now without knowing the outcome, I may have chosen a different path. Even a minor choice change could have put me on a pathe that lead a different direct. I may have chosen to spend more time with bi or LGBT people. That may have lead me to commit to someone else. Who you surround yourself with matters.

Relating to my current situation, it would be great if my wife was bi. We may have been able to connect on a greater level. Though it is perfectly fine that she isn't.

BiCavalier · May 22, 2024

Those are positions that I can envision. I would love to be on the receiving end in missionary, while looking in her eyes.

Should some things be kept private?

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Should some things be kept private?

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