My wife told me this afternoon that she can’t deal with everything going on in our marriage. This relates to our lack of sex and intimacy, my anger (which is a combination of fwork, life, relationship, sexual frustration and sexuality), my porn viewing (I mainly watch gay porn) and her worried that I may leave her for a dude. She gets frustrated with me not knowing who she will come home to ie gay me, bi me, straight me, angry me. So as she left for work I went to kiss her goodbye and she said she didn’t really want to kiss me but turned her cheek which I kissed. She said she can’t do it anymore and would be happy to get a divorce. When she said this I felt sad for her and us as I do love her so much. I know she hasto put up with so much of me and it isn’t easy for her. Being a gay married to a woman it isn’t easy for me either and I hate the situation. A part of me wants to be the best husband, lover and friend to her but my true sexuality is just driving me to the point of depression. It is so hard being married to a woman when I have no desire to be intimate with her even though I want to please her. All I can think of is men and as selfish as it may seem, fulfilling my own gay desires. I am craving so much to be with a hot man again and to have sex which just feels so normal, natural and right to me. Men are just so hot (well my type of guy that I like) and I do love women as well and think they are beautiful (as my wife is) but sexually I just feel foreign with a woman. It’s like we are equal and both love men. That’s how I connect with women because my sexuality is more submissive and my sexual role passive. So here I am, at a crossroads with a lot to think about. We both always say we want a divorce but it seems something just keeps us together, but I don’t know why.
@Out and In I understand your situation. I am not married, but i am in a 11-year-relationship with my GF and i discovered with 30 that I might be gay. I told her, that i am not straight and unsure about my sexuality. We both love each other and it is very hard for us to split. So we see a therapist now. My GF and i understand, that i need to explore my sexuality and I can't do it when we are a couple. So she left our flat and we try to see each other without intimacy (even this is hard). And this way we both can see potential partners/experiment. We do all this with a therapist. It really helps having a neutral person guiding us. In you situation, you seem to be 100% gay and your wife seems to be at a point where she sees no future in your marriage. I can just tell you what I have learned and what I would do... That doesn't mean it's the best solution for you (!) I would divorce. Let her have the intimacy that she deserves. And you could explore your sexuality. Get a therapist together and maybe you can both be understanding friends that get threw this together... I wish you the best !
Divorce her. I know it's easy for me to say but she deserve better and so do you. You both deserve to be in a fulfilling marriage and it seems like neither of you is fully fulfilled and happy and it is unlikely to change. You cannot be the husband she needs and she won't ever be able to be the man you actually want. Staying together knowing that is only wasting precious years of life. You obviously care about each other and you can continue to care and support each other on a friendship level once divorced. Sometimes loving people means letting them go.
I think it would best for both of you if you divorced. It’s clearly making you both miserable. I’m also married and bi. I’m not out either. It hasn’t been a problem for me, but I can certainly understand how it would for many people
I think you both need to accept that it's over. Staying together is making both of you unhappy and sticking at it and trying to make it work against all odds will be an exercise in futility that will lead to more frustration, anger and stagnation. You can't be the best husband and lover to her and you must accept that, but if you agree to divorce in a mature and rational way there is a possibility of remaining on friendly terms into the future and that's quite a prize for both of you. You've been looking for a way out and now it's there. I think you should take it.
Out and In I think Patrick’s advice is spot on. It over except for the details. As painful and unpleasant as that might be to face you have no choice. It’s seems your are 100% gay so you can never provide what she needs. Free her to live her life as she needs to and in doing so you can honestly and totally comitt to your homosexuality and the beauty and fulfillment it can bring. Speaking as someone who has been in your shoes, once you embrace your gay sexuality, life starts to become exciting, pleasurable and fulfilling. It’s worth the temporary pain to be able to live as an openly gay man. Good luck.
There is definitely comfort in the status quo. You're looking at stepping away from what you have, in favor of something largely unknown. I think splitting up can be emotionally wrenching. From your post, it seems like your current situation is not working well. I think you already know the answer. Good luck! My heart goes out to you. This is a big deal. =Sevn
