This is kinda a long story, but here goes. So I've been with my current girlfriend for a little over a year now. We've had our ups and downs. I love her so much and am proud to be with her. But since the four-month mark in our relationship, she has had a habit of trying to end the relationship over the smallest things. It has happened literally too many times to count and every fight we had seemed to lead to her trying to leave instead of to find compromise and fix the problem at hand. She has been treated very poorly in the past, and I understand that a lot of the reasons she tries to leave me is because she's afraid that I will leave her. But I've done everything I possibly can to prove to her that it isn't true. For example: We started dating last year when I had just started college about 3 hours' drive from her hometown. I was okay with the distance as I've been in a long-distance relationship before. But she always begged me to come visit her. So, despite not having a job or income, I very happily spent all my weekends and savings to come visit her about twice a month and on holidays for the entire two semesters. Then, when the school year came to a close, I moved in with her at her father's house, got a job locally, and finished transferring colleges to a local university so that I could be closer to her throughout the school year. The plan was to save up for an apartment of our own together and move out by the next summer. However, about a month later she had a falling out with her dad about financial issues and decided to move 8 hours away to her mother's house. She gave me about 3 days notice and left me to fend for myself with no place to live. I got back on my feet by myself, and found a shitty apartment that I could afford after two weeks of crashing on a friend's couch. I knew it wasn't my fault that she left, and I still wanted to be with her. She told me that she would be back before our one-year anniversary and that this arrangement was just for the summer, so I stayed and worked to save up enough money to cover rent for an extra month so that when she did return, she would have a whole month rent-free to find a job and get settled. Then, she told me that her mom was moving 12 hours away and that she was going with her. She said it's for school and that she is happier there. So, because she needs someone who will help her with school and I can't be that help, I understood and still stayed. Willing to wait another 3 years to be able to realize our dream of having our own home together. Not three weeks went by, and she wanted to leave me because the distance was too much for her to handle. The distance that I had attempted to close by moving schools and towns for her. The distance that she had created by moving away from me. This really hit me hard. I had tried every single thing I could think of to prove to her that I wanted this and that I would always be here for her. And she was still trying to leave for some bogus reason that she herself had created! This was really the last straw for me. I took the breakup as final and began trying to move on from it. But a week later, she told me she had made a mistake and that she wanted to try again. So I decided to give her one last chance, despite my gut telling me that this wasn't going to last. So far, things are going very well and she is treating me better than she has ever before. But I still think that the next time we truly fight or the next time she is scared or unhappy, she'll leave. I want to be with her, but I am not willing to keep getting left behind for ridiculous reasons. She says that this time is different and that she's truly trying to change. I just honestly don't think it will last and wonder if I'm wasting my time trying to make this work. She says I need to forgive her and just move on so we can be happy, but I wonder if forgiving someone and giving them an opportunity to hurt you again are two different things. Am I justified in keeping her at arm's length? Should I just break it off now, while she's trying so hard to change for me? Or should I just forgive her completely and try to give her a fresh start as if none of it had happened? Any advice is truly appreciated and thank you so much for taking the time to read my whole rant.
You somewhat resolved your own issue when you had mentioned how you are getting tired of being left behind by your girlfriend for ridiculous reasons. From what I've read in your initial thread, in my opinion, I would definitely break it off with her because its as if you are riding an emotional roller-coaster with this person. It seems to me also that your relationship with her is controlled by her and all about her and you are to be there for her for whatever she is going through. Well..what about your feelings?...Do you have a say so in the matter or is it her world you are just living in it for her convenience?...When she is going through difficult times in her life and then you feel the after effects of those situation for the worst is not cool. You are her partner...you are there to support her and she should appreciate that and should be willing to do the same for you. Sometimes to put yourself at distance from some one such as your girlfriend, the distance can make her see how much of an importance or impact you are to them. However, they will never see this if you are prone to keep forgiving them over and over again. After awhile, they come to expect you to forgive them instead of showing gratitude towards you for doing so. With that being said, in my opinion, I think you should break it off instead sitting on pins and needles wondering when will the next outburst happen??? However, whatever you decide to do..best wishes...JS
This isn't really something that anyone can decide for you. What your girlfriend is displaying is a very classic defense mechanism. Whenever she feels close to someone, she runs, yes? Each step in your relationship where the bond becomes tighter between the two of you, you are going to run into this defense mechanism again and again. Some can handle that... some can't. If you can't, I'd say it's better to get out now and find someone with less difficult hurdles for you to struggle over.
*Points up* He is a runner by nature. I'm just really good at blocking the path and refusing to let him go, even when he's thought it was for my own good. And he's right, just because you step into their path once, doesn't mean there isn't going to be another. And another. For me, it's absolutely worth it. The roadblocks, the chase. All of it. He's worth it. And it seems that should I stumble and miss blocking the road once in awhile, he cares enough to stop and wait for me.
I would of said break up before you accepted her back, so now that you accepted her back, try to give it a try without focusing on the past, but her current actions, and if she is not showing you a difference or keeps threating to break up with you as soon as you guys get into a argument, leave. At least you can say you tried.
This is really inspiring for me and my situation. Thank you both @Twist and @Gideon. Because I truly don't want to let her go, but I can't keep fighting if I think she really doesn't want to be with me. But she is proving to "stop and wait for me" like you mentioned. I think the distance distorts things a lot, but I still believe she is worth it.
Thank you so much, I am recognizing that she has been calling all the shots, and am working with her to change that. I think we are both at fault for that in our relationship. She asks and I give without thinking of myself, and she never realizes how much I give because I never express it to her. I need to become better at saying no, and I am working on that. Just as she is working on being open about her past and how it still effects her today.
