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Should I Pursue the Relationship Any Further?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Nova713, Aug 24, 2008.

  1. Nova713

    Nova713 Guest

    There’s this guy I met at work. He is gay and we have been hanging out for the past few months. We have become quite good friends. We hang out outside of work and go hiking and biking as well as playing video games.

    I am very attracted to him. Every time we hang out, I always have the urge to want to hug him or hold his hand. Every time I look into his eyes, I want to kiss him. I have done none of these things. I don’t know if it is a crush or if it’s lust that I’m feeling or some combination of the two.

    I also don’t think the feelings of attraction are entirely mutual. I flirt with him all the time, but I don’t think he flirts back (or maybe I’m too blind to see it.) He’s super intelligent, incredibly cute, and I’m quite taken with him.

    Should I try and take this friendship to the next level? Should I attempt to hug him or kiss him at all? He’s the guy that helped me become a million more times comfortable with who I am (even though he may not know it.) I really feel like I’m in my element when I’m around him. I really, really value his friendship. Do I risk ruining the friendship and try and take things to another level? Or should I just let things be? Thank You. Any questions, comments, or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Lava421

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    Maybe you tried to express this with the quoted text, but, for starters, are you out to him?

    You make him sound like a dream guy. Lucky you.
     
  3. Louise

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    If you are really good friends and enjoy hanging out together then maybe both of you are waiting for the other one to make the first move. I think direct communication is always the best way to sort things out, beating about the bush only leaves the person in front of you confused wondering what you were really trying to say.

    If he knows that you are out you might talk to him in general in saying that now you are comfortable with your homosexuality you feel ready for a relationship. Ask him about his prior relationships, how they went, what it was like, the pit falls, etc. Guaging his reactions to this conversation you can keep it all general or take it to a more personal level and say in a light hearted manner, 'and hey,what if WE went out on a date'. If he takes it badly you could just say that you were kidding and if he likes the idea well then you are off and running. Either way at least you will know.
     
  4. beckyg

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    Yeah, I think talking to him about it first rather than a physical move would be best. That way you know he wants it too. However, make sure that you tell him you value your friendship and if he's not attracted to you the way you are him, you would like to still remain friends with him.
     
  5. Lexington

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    Two possible roadblocks. And they're only potential ones.

    First off, if he doesn't know you're gay yet, now's the time to tell him. You don't have to frame your "coming out" in terms of him. You can just say, "I've grown to know you quite a bit over the last few months, and I feel comfortable enough now that I can tell you this." If he's gay and/or interested, that'll be his opening.

    Secondly, you work together. That can cause some issues, especially if you were in close proximity. Do give that a bit of thought before you jump in with both feet. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. lexie

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    yeah i was gonna say, does he know you're gay? cause if he doesnt, he probably doesnt suspect. you might think you are been obvious, but he may just think you are been friendly, and just like him a lot as a friend and that is just you're personality. and apparently when we think we are been obvious, it isnt always obvious to the other person.

    or if he does know, and hasnt made a move it may be cause he either values you as a friend too much and doesnt want to risk it, doesnt feel the same, or hasnt read the signs yet.

    id try been subtle and hinting at an interest, and seeing his reaction. dont be too jokey so that he doesnt know if you're been serious and thinks you are messing around, and dont be so serious that its awkward between both of you if he doesnt feel the same.

    you could try staring at him, like gazing for a few seconds, wait for him to pick up on it, then turn away. and look for a reaction after. my experience is everyone picks up on gazing straight away. or you could try something else to try and work out if hes interested. dont straight out tell him you like him or ask him if he likes you though, cause that'll be awkward imo, just be subtle first off.
     
  7. Nova713

    Nova713 Guest

    Thanks for the advice everyone. I should have stated that yes he does know I'm gay. Sorry about that.

    Even though we work together, we don't really interact all that much at the workplace.
     
  8. Louise

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    Subtle can be good but it can also be confusing, I would still go with a straight forward chat, that you are happy with yourself and would like to start dating and ask him what he thinks about that and see where the conversation takes you.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Yes... open and honest communication is THE BEST way to approach this kind of thing. Don't try go get physical. That happens in movies and such - but it's not something that happens (very often) in the real world.

    Let him know how you feel. He'll either say he feels the same way, or he won't. Either scenario should allow for you to continue to be friends. Good luck!
     
  10. Lexington

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    Maybe you could ask him out. Directly. "Would it be too awkward if I asked you out on a date? Or would you rather just stay friends - I'm cool with that, too." :slight_smile:

    Lex