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Should I get with my boss?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by mlansing, Mar 2, 2018.

  1. mlansing

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    I recently was hired full time for a job in academia that I've always dreamed about having and spent so many years in school to get. My department is small as there are only 3 full-time people and one of the other full-timers (my boss) is chair of the department. The chair has been quite vocal on my behalf with the higher-ups in getting me the full-time position, and I'm super appreciative of that.

    However...

    I'm getting vibes from him. He was previously married to a woman but they divorced because he had an affair with a male student. He enthusiastically informed me that my new office starting this fall will be right next to his, and I'm having mixed feelings. I originally wanted a different office on the other side of the building, and I can still have that, but requesting that instead would mean kicking out a part-timer who would then be left without an office.

    Basically, I'm concerned that if I take the office next to his then the chances of something happening between us will rise greatly. Because the thing is....I can't deny that a part of me is attracted to him too.

    But....what if something happens but things go south? Would that jeopardize my job that I worked so hard to get? What if something happens but I realize I'm not as into him as he is into me? Would I then feel trapped?

    Or...am I doing that thing I always do where I look for reasons why something couldn't or shouldn't work? Leaving me of course where I always end up--single.

    I do believe in the sayings "don't shit where you eat" and "don't dip your pen in the company ink," but I can't help but wonder if maybe this could actually be something worth opening myself up to.

    Any thoughts?
     
  2. mlansing

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    This posted twice for some reason...ignore the other one (because I don't know how to delete threads, haha).
     
  3. KayNB

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    While romance sometimes happens at work, there are reasons why most employers have rules against being in a relationship with your boss or employee. Not only can it be risky for you if your personal relationship goes wrong, but it's bad for your employer. If you really feel like you lack the self-control needed to stay away you should probably be looking for a transfer or something. While there is some chance that you could fall in love and live happily everafter... or just have a nice little fling that's a lot of fun... either one could become really disruptive to your work relationship. On top of that, the personal relationship that you form will almost certainly be impacted by the work one.

    It's up to you of course... but this just sounds like disaster waiting to happen. It might just be better to admire from afar, enjoy him in your fantasies for a few more times and then move on from the idea entirely and find a relationship without so much risk.

    Good luck! either way I hope it works out for you.
     
  4. mlansing

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    Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. I think you're probably right; there are after all 8 billion other people out there in the world. Unfortunately, a transfer is not a possibility at the present time, so I should probably maintain an arm's length professional distance.
     
  5. mlansing

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    Which might mean requesting the office on the other side of the building after all...
     
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  6. MaxDanger

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    Another factor to keep in mind is that, as your boss, he will hold the power in your relationship as long as you were involved. While it is possible for people to wield that power responsibly, I've consistently seen that situation get the best of even the most respectable people. Only you can decide what's best for you, but I urge you to give this aspect some pause.
     
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  7. Chip

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    It would be a terrible idea to have, consider, or give in to a sexual relationship with your boss. If this has already been hinted at, I'd take the distant office.

    With a few exceptions, academia is notoriously awful in dealing with sexual harassment. You will almost certainly lose ( one way or another) if you get involved with your boss and it is unlikely you would get satisfaction or vindication from reporting it if things go south.

    Be very careful. This could end up being a clusterfuck if you aren't cautious.
     
    #7 Chip, Mar 3, 2018
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
  8. mlansing

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    I appreciate the sound advice everyone. I wouldn't say I have full-blown interest in him so that's probably reason enough right there to let it go and not entertain it further (and get the distant office).
     
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  9. wardrobeescaper

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    Lie to him and tell him you're seeing someone. Keep your personal life a bit of a mystery in work, I would. Seems a bit sleazy being a boss chasing your staff. Bit of a power imbalance too.