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Should I Get out of My Home Situation?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by warrior452, Nov 10, 2016.

  1. warrior452

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    This will be a long one, so bare with me...

    I am from a loving, very conservative home. I left school for a variety of reasons, just before what should have been my senior year. It wasn't clicking for me - I wasn't sure why I was there, and was basically just taking general ed. classes anyways. My parents were a lot of the driving force in my return home, although in retrospect I wish I had pushed them harder to let me stay. They can't really say no. I paid almost the entirety of my bill the previous year (they did contribute about $200, and I really am grateful).

    I came home, and got a job. It is in fast food. Not glamorous, but it pays decently, and I'm at least working. I'm not home a lot.

    My parents aren't pushing me in "normal ways" that I see other young adults/college kids being treated by their parents. No definite end date to my time in their house, although I need to be out "eventually" or "in a couple of years." They aren't making me pay rent, although I have offered to. I have actually asked to before and they said no. I am not contributing to any household bills. I will be taking over my health insurance and car insurance, and I put gas in one of our vehicles each week. My mom says that I need to "pay rent" by helping around the house. I have tried, but I can't always get everything done that she wants due to my work schedule. She says that I don't do enough around the house. She says that I don't need to be on my own, as I have had a history of blowing money, and I am irresponsible. I am trying and growing there - I have started budgeting, and I am working on my finances. I don't have a lot in savings, but it's getting there. It's a good thing, and I know they're just trying to help, but I feel trapped. Like they won't let me go and grow up. She has told me that I cannot physically live on my own, and my family does on a regular basis, but they prohibited me on multiple occasions from living by myself or with a room mate during the summers in college.

    Now, the nasty side. My parents discovered that I "struggled" with homosexuality when I was like a young teenager. It had been in my life since I was about 7 (that I remember anyways). My parents are very religious (as am I). My father has mocked queer people and had no time for the LGBT community since I was a teenager (at least that's when he started vocalizing it ). So has my mom. When it came up as a teenager (she discovered gay porn) she had a meltdown complete with the typical rhetoric - you should be ashamed, etc. It has continually been a tug of war with this for the last ten years - with her wanting to know if I still "struggled" with this, and when I was going to get it out of my life for good. My dad has remained indifferent, not getting involved, but still makes rude comments about gay people. My mom and I have had some nasty run-ins about me "possibly" being gay, and she has had some very nasty and hurtful things to say (although I believe in my heart that she meant them for good). However, it would end our relationship if I came out as gay/queer. I don't believe that they would disown me, but it would at best become very icy and they would maintain a fluff, surface relationship for show to the neighbors, and at worst, kick me out, sever most of our ties, and only call when they feel guilty and want to make sure im not dead.

    Cut to this week: I am a registered Republican, and my family is dyed in the wool, God and guns Republican. Without telling anyone, I voted for Hillary, and posted a non-partisan post on social media, calling for unity as a country. It was negative towards Donald Trump, and my mom took away from that that I supported Hillary. She said that they "raised me better" and that I needed to "think about the implications of stuff like this, because while you're in my house, this isn't just about you." I was then asked to take the post off of social media, because it offended so badly. Basically, my takeaway from the conversation was: it's okay to have opinions, but if they are going to rock the boat, then they shouldn't be shared. And that my opinion in this case didn't matter. This is just one instance. They refuse to see me as an adult with thoughts and opinions of my own.

    I'm 22.

    I've had a friend tell me that my situation is toxic, and that I need to get out, especially if I ever hope of getting established, and if I ever want to live out as an independant queer man. I love my family, and I want to work through stuff and maintain our relationships, but sometimes, I think she might be right.

    Any advice/thoughts?
     
  2. killswitch0029

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    Judging from what you've posted things do seem toxic. While I do think out might be a good thing for you to do, I think you need to take the time to plan things out first. I know it's not an ideal suggestion, but focus on saving up some money and just do your best to deal with your parents. In the meantime while you're saving up maybe see if you have a friend that would let you crash once you're a bit more stable while you try and look for a more permanent place or possibly speak to an extended family member.

    What you have to deal with sounds pretty suckish, but do just make sure you have things planned out, and maybe a plan B just in case.
     
  3. faustian1

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    Yes. I'm really impressed with you. Despite many people around you being critical, you have been open minded to your possible faults, and you write objectively about the challenges you face. It seems to me that you have stood up for yourself, in most ways probably constructively, and I'm very impressed that you don't seem to be ashamed of who you are. That is good, because I think you should be proud of who you are.

    Your parents indeed are generous to let you live with them. On the other hand, for people who feel they stand at the right hand of Jesus, they are exceedingly judgmental of you. Let's leave aside the issue of sexual orientation for a bit, and note that their judgments go beyond the level of humility they ought to have. I'm sure I'm at least as old as they are, and by now they should, like me, realize that they haven't made all the right decisions in their own lives, even though they probably tried to do so very sincerely. To judge others by a different standard shows a lack of understanding that the best lessons in life are learned by personal experience. They should let you learn.

    Of course you will in fact have to move out if you want to live as an "independent queer man," as you put it. But even more important, you'll have to move out if you want to live as an independent man in general. I'm sure you know this.

    Oh, I suppose they believe in you. Perhaps they are trying to make you "perfect" in their eyes. Sadly, I think from experience I have to conclude that it may be a long time until they let you have your space for your own sexual orientation in life. To me, this is sad. It is sad, because almost everyone has had their own challenges around sexual attraction and conduct. To not extend loving understanding of others' struggles shows a lack of character. Usually, admitting this doesn't come quickly.

    You wrote you were from a "loving home." I believe you. The problem is that there must be a space where in some ways in that environment, you and your parents can "agree to disagree" on some issues. My own mother, I am sure, had disappointments about me. I don't recall ever hearing them. She sacrificed greatly to express support for me. It is I who should have been more understanding, of her. In your case, I think the situation is the reverse. She should be more understanding of you.

    But yes, as efficiently as possible, you should work on making it possible for you to live on your own. By reminding you of your defects around independent living, some of which you acknowledge, they are warning you that you won't succeed. Why? Well, probably because they don't want you to go. Maybe they don't like your sexual orientation, but as you wrote they probably do love you. Yet it's the job of every parent to encourage their children to learn not to need them, because there will come a time when they are not there. And before that time comes, often the need shifts, from the child needing the parents, to the other way around.

    Again, I was impressed with your objective way of writing about your situation. It must hurt you that they cannot accept this part of you. But you seem to accept it, and that is the more important thing right now. It seems to me, if anyone can eventually persuade them to reexamine their attitude--in the long run--it would be you.
     
  4. johndeere3020

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    Warrior, I didn't read the whole post...but I would suggest saving as much money as possible now.
     
  5. Gay Deputy

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    i hate to say it but I think you'd do best by going back to school, finishing what you need for at least a General studies degree (shows future employers you were willing to at least accomplish that compared to others who didn't), and then not move back home once you have. As stated above, I'd ensure you have a plan in place before hand. Possibly line up a roommate and start looking for a job that pays better. At least this way would get you out of the house at the guise of going back to school without the conflict that may arise if you were to just leave. Not coming home after school may force your parents to reevaluate their feelings once they realize the reason you wanted to leave in the first place (even if it wasn't because of the way they feel...ride the guilt trip for awhile...may work.?.)
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    The relationships with conservative parents are often the most difficult for a gay man or lesbian woman. Why? Because it becomes a love/hate relationship that we struggle to extract ourselves from. On the one hand we hate their intolerance and prejudice; we hate their sniping and shaming and the pain it causes us, BUT they are still our parents -- the people who gave us life and all of the essentials that go with it, and despite everything, we love them and want their approval. Complex, isn't it?

    I do agree that your home situation is toxic and I think you need to seriously consider ways and means of leaving. Clearly, your parents expect you to leave in the not too distant future anyway, so it's not entirely due to consequences of your sexuality.

    Your parents will have to make a choice (and their choice it will be) about their ongoing relationship with you. It will all be set against their religious, political and moral compass, but from what you describe you are not poles apart from them. Although you voted for Hillary Clinton, you generally align yourself with Republican values and belief in God, but you seem to be more centred than your parents. You haven't rebelled against everything they have taught you and you remain true to the general principles -- the only real sticking point is your sexuality.

    Many parents believe we come out to hurt and wound them, when the reverse is true. While we are in the closet denying ourselves and keeping the peace, any relationship we have with them (and other people) is superficial and lacking in authenticity. Coming out is a risk and we take that risk for the family, not to destroy the family. The easier thing would be to keep it fake and never have any real connection, but that's not what healthy, happy families are about. Family is about real love and human connectedness, not keeping up appearances. So if/when you come out, make that point clear.

    When you eventually leave home I would urge you to consider talking to a therapist to deal with the layers of hurt and shame. It's not something for the immediate future, but for real healing to take place it may be necessary.
     
  7. falconfalcon

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    "She has told me that I cannot physically live on my own, and my family does on a regular basis, but they prohibited me on multiple occasions from living by myself or with a room mate during the summers in college."

    wait, why?


    You need to find your adult hood.

    Some people are VERY controlling. Some people don't want to grow up themselves - and then they really dont like it when other people find their manhood / womanhood

    Some people want Other people to think for them - and just follow blindly. Sometimes with violently fervent adherence


    All your thoughts, feelings and instincts are right. I dunno about toxic - all this is just plain sick.

    It sounds not just like your family wants to keep you as a little kid in the nursery - they want to live in a nursery too.


    Out you go - into the real world. They will never let you be yourself, grow, be free, or be healthy while they have any power to stop it.

    I'm sorry about the religious stuff - there a re resources for Christians on coming out, books and stuff - I can hook you up if you like (drop a post on my wall or something, and I'll hit you back :slight_smile: (I'm assuming your Christian? If not of course they are similar resources for other religions, Jewish, Muslim, etc.. :slight_smile:

    Hey - if it were me, i would seriously consider going b ack to school.

    Ditch them - and tell them "I don't want you telling me what to do anymore. I am an adult, and i have to live like one. Otherwise, this is just sick" or something.

    But seriously - your school. You are close to getting a degree, and it may be much more difficult to go back later. It usually is more of a pain to interupt your obligations later and go back to school - so, why not go back now? It doesn't matter TOO much what you get a degree in - most people don't really know what they want to do, even by senior year of college. The important things are getting an education, and a degree that certifies you, and opens a LOT of doors of opportunity in this world

    Don't listen to them - Listen to yourself. Go - go back to school or something, live with roommates / friends like you wanted to , and take care of your life and go - go be an adult.

    You might _really_ benefit from CODA. I highly recommend checking it out


    and take good care :slight_smile: :slight_smile:


    ....follow your heart :slight_smile:
     
  8. warrior452

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    I very much appreciate everyone's input...

    I think a lot of what you've said, Falcon, is accurate. They refuse to let me live on my own at this point, because they expect perfection, and unfortunately no one's perfect. I'll accidentally burn cookies or mess something up while doing laundry, and I get "you shouldn't live alone, you need to get married so you have someone to take care of you." Most of it is said with the intent of being humorous, but they are being serious.

    My mother has told me in the past that I lack the skills, direction, and drive to make adult decisions and live alone, but, aside from college, they have denied any requests to try and make it on my own. I am not ungrateful for them allowing me to stay at home for now - that is huge, and I am grateful for that. But the conditions, the baggage, and the lack of space to be an adult is dragging me down.