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Should I ever come out to extended family?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by arken1, Jun 25, 2021.

  1. arken1

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    I have my story on here, but to recap, at 29 I stopped pretending being gay would "go away" someday, and embraced my identity. I've only come out to my living parent and a 2 of my cousins. I believe they told their parents and siblings.

    There's one Aunt/Uncle in particular who I feel are extremely homophobic. Like, when they found out their lifelong friend was a lesbian, they never spoke to them again. DONE! My Aunt has always been very close to me and has high expectations for me. She is also an extremely emotional person. Simple things upset her. I believe when I come out, the most probable outcomes are she has a health event, possibly a serious one, and/or she can never talk to me again. My grandparents would probably be somewhere in the middle, maybe not happy about it, shocked, but I think wouldn't freak out so much.

    The flip side to this conundrum is, well, I have started into my first relationship. It seems like eventually I'll "come out" passively when I bring him around near my home state, or show pictures of myself with him, etc. I could just label him as a "friend", but people figure those things out, I think. I don't particularly care whether I'm out to all of my family, but, I do think hiding it is a bit dishonest, and there may be something I'm missing out in my life by not being fully open with everyone.

    I don't have a lot of other family in general, and even fewer that I keep in contact with. So on one hand, I want to be very open and close with them, but on the other, I don't want to damage my relationship with them. The one line I tell myself is, "they don't really need to know, but if I do tell them, it could permanently end my relationship with those family members".

    Thoughts? Similar experiences?
     
  2. mbanema

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    I guess the main question is do you think you'd gain anything from being out to them? There's definitely the relief of not having to hide anything, but do you think it would make your life significantly better? From what you've told me in the past, it seems highly unlikely that your aunt and uncle will be accepting, though you never know -- people can surprise you when it hits closer to home. With your grandparents, would it make a big difference to you if they knew? Would it be upsetting to you if they pass away without ever finding out? Are you able to value your relationship with your aunt and uncle knowing that they have an incomplete or false perception of you?

    It's tough to balance. No matter how it turns out, you'll probably be glad to get it over with, but if it doesn't cause you much frustration now (especially since you live far away and don't see them in person very often), maybe it's not worth it if you expect a negative outcome. I look at this very differently than if it were your mom as I know being out to your parents has to make a huge difference in your life.

    From what you wrote, I am a little wary of your aunt flipping out and having a completely over-the-top overreaction that strains her relationship with your mom too, but at the same time you have to live for yourself (and yes, hypocritical, I know). Honestly though, you're correct -- if you're in a relationship and are open with your mom, it's pretty much inevitable that the rest of your family will find out eventually. Only you can decide if you want to be proactive on it and do it on your own terms or wait and see how things unfold naturally. If it's something that you feel is holding you back, come up with a plan to do it for your own sake. In that case, I'd recommend discussing it with your mom first so she isn't blindsided by your aunt if she reacts poorly.

    I do caution you against telling people that your boyfriend is just a friend though unless you've discussed it with him and he's truly understanding of the situation. I think that's something that can be toxic in many cases, but it might be less threatening knowing that you're open with the people you're closest with rather than the other way around.

    Congrats on your relationship. Best of luck.
     
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  3. arken1

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    When I imagine it, no, it wouldn't be. But it's likely still going to hurt a small bit. My Mom on the other hand, it became enormously important to me that I come out to her. Huge difference!

    I do value it. I think one hand, they've stopped asking about my relationship status, so that probably means they won't be 100% surprised when I come out. I'm more wondering what am I subconsciously holding back from myself by knowing that some people in my life have a different image of me.

    Oh, I have, she says it's totally up to me, and also agrees it could be a wild ride.


    Good point! In this case, it would be clear that I don't mean "hey we're not really dating", but it should be pre-discussed. When my introduced us on a tour recently, he said I was his friend. I think we both are a little timid to come out in unnecessary settings. We were pretty close on that tour, so I think it was obvious we were together. But yeah, it's hard to be this "fully out" person when you also know there's risks, and better to keep it on a "need to know" basis in some instances. I'm not going to pretend it's the `60's, but we all still suffer a little from the hate.
     
  4. mbanema

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    Well, I think the important part is that you're out to the people who matter the most to you. You're right -- there's still hatred out there and quite honestly for most people it's really none of their business who you're into so I don't think there should be any pressure to make sure the whole world knows. If you're able to be open with the people that mean something to you, I think that's all that really matters. That doesn't mean you need to hide it around other people or lie, but in many cases it's just not relevant.

    It does sound inevitable that you'll come out to your aunt though, especially since you said "when" rather than "if." In that case I think doing it earlier is better than later as taking more time makes it easier to psych yourself out, but obviously that's up to you. Just don't wait for a perfect moment if you're determined to do it as chances are that will never exist.
     
  5. I'm gay

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    I would suggest to you that anyone's reaction is on them, not you. You are not responsible for a "health event" by coming out to your aunt. Her health issues are hers to manage, and you are not responsible for them. Further, if you coming out to a family member who is supposed to be close to you, and it causes them to cut you out, then you really have to re-evaluate the value they give to your life anyway.