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Should I come out to transphobic parents?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PaxTheTiny, Jul 7, 2021.

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Should I come out?

  1. yes

    1 vote(s)
    20.0%
  2. no

    3 vote(s)
    60.0%
  3. wIt

    1 vote(s)
    20.0%
  1. PaxTheTiny

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Not out at all
    My step dad and mom are transphobic. I don't know how to come out but I want to come out soon. It hurts to be misgendered and they want to see me more "feminine". I don't know how or when I should come out.
     
  2. Unsure77

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    Do you still live with them? Are you financially dependent on them? If the answer is yes, do you have a plan if they respond badly and cut you off or kick you out?
     
    #2 Unsure77, Jul 7, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2021
  3. chicodeoro

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    Pax, however much you want to reveal who you really are to your parents, I would first of all come out to friends who are likely to be supportive. Do you have any pals who you know will back you up if you told them?

    This has been my approach. I've come out to about 26 friends so far. I'm leaving the family members and friends who might present a problem to last.

    Good luck!
    Beth x
     
  4. GoingFeywild

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    What unsure said is pretty solid. Make sure your in a stable position and are able to get the hell out of things go terribly wrong. There would be nothing worse than for you coming out to make things worse. It's not fair. It's not right. But it's life.
    It sounds bad to ask. How old are you? If your close to moving out anyway then maybe it will be alright?

    Honestly I'm not even out to most of my family yet out of fear of that very thing but I am out to ally friends and that helps massively. Just having a good support network has been a lifesaver. (I'm only out, at least as Pan, to my mum and stepdad atm and my stepdad has been an absolute champion depsite me thinking he was homophobic)

    It's really hard to say who will react positively and not in the end. Hence the anecdote. Just be careful and do what you think will make you happy now and in the future.
     
  5. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

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    PaxTheTiny.....Hello and a very big LGBTQ+ welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important factors in deciding when to come out are:

    *****Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you.

    *****Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important.

    *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can still be a problem. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.

    *****You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents/friends. Coming out in writing means you will not be interrupted or face a barrage of questions that you need to answer immediately, in the heat of the moment. You get time and they get time too and that counts for a lot. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you to be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. Again, that can be a very big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had time to think about your sexuality...giving them some time to think about it too only seems fair! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!

    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or a year from now, your parents and/or friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of five or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.

    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php

    *****Pax - as a special note to you - you are young enough that you will still have years before you will be legally an adult. If your parents are really transphobic you may need to wait until you are an adult to come out to them. The danger of coming out too soon and having your parents reject you could easily cause a very difficult home situation for you for quite a few years. Please consider this carefully BEFORE you make a move to come out in a non-accepting atmosphere.


    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  6. EmilyWrite

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    As the sister of a trans guy with transphobic parents, I wouldn't suggest it until you are financially independent. However, try to find friends that are supportive in the meantime. My brother has friends to go to and be himself around, and he's a lot happier with that and having both of his cisgender sisters supporting him despite still having to live as a girl until he can move out.