Hi everyone, I'm Harry I'm 17 and I've known that I'm trans for about 2 years now. A year ago, I came out as trans to my mother. She was very very angry and upset, and said some horrible things, like that being trans is the worst thing I could possibly do to her, that I want to ruin my family, that she doesn't love me as a boy, etc. She made me promise to "stop being trans" (I did promise because I didn't know what else to do). Since then, she has acted as if I never told her I'm trans. In the past year I came out to all the other students at my school (by accident...the news spread), and a few of my teachers. So my being trans now is almost common knowledge, and most people call me Harry, as opposed to my birth name, including most of my mum's friends. I also pass quite a lot. So my mum is constantly in contact with the fact I am trans, really. She hasn't brought it up since I came out except once, when she said "are you having gender issues?" in a really angry way while we were fighting (I didn't answer), and very recently when she told me off for "looking like a boy" after I passed. My father has many symptoms depression and is also very uncommunicative. I've never discussed emotional things with him. I know he is very transphobic and I don't think it has ever occurred to him that I'm thinking about my gender. He reacted badly when I came out as a lesbian 3 years ago. I have no idea how he'd react to me being trans but he would for certain be very angry, probably blame my mother, and quite possibly do something drastic. (He is very unpredictable and my mother says "emotionally abusive".) So I am very unsure whether or not I should come out again. On one hand, it is very likely that if I don't tell them soon, they'll find out from a third party. Also, I feel very guilty about lying to them. On the other, I don't know how they will react. They won't kick me out, almost certainly, but they will certainly make my life awful, and possibly ban me from cutting my hair or wearing men's clothing (my mum threatened to do this before). I have a good support system at the moment, with my teachers from school, and they think I should come out at home (but they don't know much about my father). I feel bad for letting them down by not coming out. Basically, I am very unsure what to do and any help/support would be amazing. Thank you
If u know life will be hell after u come to them again then it's best to not tell them until u move out.
I think you should move out on your own and be independent of their financial assistance first. Once you are in a safe place, THEN come out.
I agree with the other posters Harry. Your safety and security is the top priority and nothing should put that at risk, and if your parents did start to restrict your freedom to pass imagine how that would affect you emotionally. I know it's hard to live in a state of denial or semi-denial, but you can use this time to plan when and how you will finally come out to them and look at options for transitioning. By doing all of that, you are still progressing on your coming out journey. Also, getting the best grades at college is your gateway to work and freedom to be the person you want to be, so college is very much part of the journey too. Focus on where you are right now and look/plan ahead to where you want to be. You may not be able to come out to your parents right now, but it doesn't mean the process is at a standstill.
I tend to agree with these suggestions. It's not ideal, sure, and it never feels good to hide something (especially something as big) to your own parents. But for having been in 'restricted' circumstances, though not gender-related, I know from experience that when you don't have the freedom to choose your own life, to go where you want to go, be who you want to be, it is extremely heart-rending and hurtful. So it's better to be independent first, in order to be able to come out freely, and not in fear of 'what are they going to do, are they going to confiscate my clothes, emotional blackmail, etc.'.
Thank you so much Patrick, that honestly makes me feel a lot better about things! I will take the time to plan ahead and get good grades Thanks, I appreciate your help!
