She wants us to be friends

Feelings are transient, not matter how strong they might be. Though that being said there is no easy way to do this. You have a child after all and so does she.

Personally I would say try to make friends work if possible, but if not then break it off.

The thing about those fireworks is that they fade and making a decision based on them is usually a recipe for disaster. There is a reason Romeo and Juliet is a warning about the dangers of such love.

 

Hi its a tough spot, you didn't say if this was the first gay in counter for either of you? If it is that could account for the emotional ups and downs. Could I ask does either yours or her husband know that you both like woman not so much each other, but just other woman, if one of the husband does, that could be useful. But it will indeed get better as long as you willing to get better, just be true to yourself...

Good luck

 

Hey take a deep breath.

I totally get how hard a situation that is. I know taking a break from the relationship is hard but sometimes these things have to get harder before they get better.
Moving a friendship that became intimate back to a friendship is one of the hardest things to do when there is still feelings and attraction flying around. Sadly I don't think there is any quick fix but it will get better over time. I think the difficulty in these situations is the lack of closure. Keeping yourself busy with other things will help to try and keep your mind off it. I'm sorry I don't have better advice.

I guess my question to you would be, you say she wants to be friends, what do you want?

 

All feelings fade, no matter how strong they might be in the moment. Those sort of things fade the longer you don’t act on them. It just feels like they won’t because of how strong they are.

But as I have said, friends is the best thing you can be and if not then you have to break it off. I don’t want to remind you that you BOTH have children and that there is more at steak here than just the bond between you. Divorce is hard on any family and child. If after two years or three they don’t stop I would suggest a therapist. Or maybe start on one now.

That being said, I won’t sugar coat it, if you act on those feelings it won’t end well and you continue like this it will only get worse. Either make it clear that friends is all you will be or break it off. The third option isn’t something I recommend. Ultimately it’s your life and you must live with the choices you make. So with that being said, what choice can you live with?

 

I've never been in that situation no.

Logically for sure it's the right decision but where hearts and minds are concerned logic isn't always the greatest force in play.

If you look back were their ever times before where you have been attracted to girls?

Would you say you were happily married? Would that answer be the same before and after you fell in love with her?

 

Ok, from a bit of experience, you got two really big things going on right now. The most important is your sexuality, and knowing now that it’s part of your internal core self. This is what you need to understand the most and go back to when it’s time to make decisions etc. Who you are is the only thing that’s going to be there no matter what happens. In my situation, that’s what saved me. That’s what kept me moving forward. Things are still very difficult and I have a long way to go to get to a balanced place in life. In these situations there are huge feelings, the most important ones are the ones that come from inside you and don’t originate from an outside source. You have to listen to the voice inside you that has finally let itself be heard. Get excited about it, try and understand where it has been before now, explore what it means to you, what it could mean for your family. It’s more important to understand who you are and make decisions from there than it is to give all that energy to the situation that opened your eyes to it.

The second issue is this relationship. It’s been a year-ish? That’s long enough to have your heartbroken but it is not long enough to get through the stage of infatuation. If you let infatuation lead you through and make decisions for you, it’s only going to prolong your own personal journey. This relationship is on hold for now. You have no idea what it can even be but to make the right choices of where to put your energy and love you need to understand you first. In my situation my ex lives far away so making boundaries is still a challenge but a chunk of it is done for us. You really need to give space from her or shit could get toxic for you both and your families. So standard break up protocol, keep busy, energy into other things that fill you up, diminished contact with ex, you know the drill....it’s hard it’s not easy and we can help you get through that here. I know many have helped me here and still are. I still have really bad days. Just keep the big picture in view and try and treat the sexuality part separate from the relationship part because it gets confusing. Your sexuality needs to have a place to live. This relationship gave it a conduit and you may find that feelings of loss around your relationship may be, in part, feelings of loss of that conduit of expression. Be open to that, knowing who you are is the most important thing here.

I have a busy day ahead but I hope this helps give you a bigger perspective to things, that some parts of this situation are workable, things can move forward in some way for you, you don’t have to stay feeling stuck and hurt xo

 

BTW I really hope this post didn’t seem harsh, it’s not my personality at all. I do realize the gravity of what you are going through....heartbreak sux and it’s not easy. I just didn’t want to come across as the suck it up and deal type, because goodness knows I’m totally having a pity party most days....

 

Hello
I was in a similar situation 16 years ago. I remember feeling really depressed and physically sick to my stomach, all the time. I tried to do the “ friend” thing but it did not work. I realized “I am gay”. My situation differs a bit in the fact that the women I was In love with (now my wife) was not married and did not have children. She also knew she was a lesbian. You are in a much more difficult situation.Many factors come into play when coming out. Where you live and the societal views on LGBT... communities. What the laws are in regards to custody of your children if you divorce. Even if you were willing to continue she doesn’t appear to be leaving you a choice at this point. I agree with the other post. Breathe, keep yourself busy,and figure out who you are and what you want. Well wishes : )

 

I just want you to know your bravery astounds me! I know you are having a difficult time now. It sounds as if she is as well. You are both in a very risky situation In terms of your children. Maybe she is afraid of that.If things can’t work out for you, be sure to make room for forgiveness. Hugs from across the planet.

 

Whoa! I had no idea the situation you were submersed in! That’s really rough for both of you! I feel like I should eat my words because my experience doesn’t even touch the oppression you are facing while trying to hold this torch. I’m impressed that you have come as far as you have in these circumstances! My ex has an culturally oppressive situation around her, if found out though it would be family and friends throwing down their gauntlet, not a government. All I can say is just keep venting here and let us be there for you as much as we can. You are so very incredibly brave, I am humbled, really. Sending you blessings and hugs....