She’s bi/queer, but has a bf. Feeling conflicting emotions rn. Advice?

Me and my coworker are both 25, and from the first few months of working with her, I really started to notice how much we were clicking. Between finishing each other sentences and think what the other person is thinking.

We share similar values, music, and
Are in such sync with our sense of humors and what we find amusing. I love how much we can be our goofy selves around each other
Now we’ve known each other for almost a year now, and I’ve been trying to get closer to her outside of work.

For a while at first when I made plans twice to something she showed interest in going to, it was unsuccessful because she flaked out. So I became disappointed and gave up.

One thing she’s prefaced with me multiple times is that she’s forgetful and can be bad at replying to texts at times, and is not a good planner (ADHD).


She Initiates texts sometimes and sends me memes, but I do more of the initiating. One time she commented on a story of a photo I posted with “so beautiful” and another with “”
Sometimes she replies quickly, and other times she’ll stop mid convo and leave things on delivered. But she’s working on it. She’s opened up to me about her depression/anxiety and family life.

I can gather she feels safe and comfortable in my presence. I know it doesn’t indicate anything romantic in that sense.
I feel honored she at least values me as a person. She’ll tell me how she really appreciates me.

She says she tells her best friend about me all the time and feels like I would get along with her friends.
Only problem of it all, is that she has a boyfriend (He’s 30). I don’t know how long exactly, but it seems like for a while. She has no pics of Him on social media, but she’ll mention him in conversation with me here and there.
Like “my boyfriend got us tickets”

Or “I’ve been watching this with my boyfriend”
However, she’ll tell me how sometimes she doesn’t have the energy to see him because she wants to be alone (she’s pretty introverted and likes her alone time) Or talks about him that screams “meh”. Or that she isn’t in love him.

She met his family a few times, and she told me how anxious and uncomfortable she feels around them because they don’t really talk , and he doesn’t help by not talking much either. When he’s with her alone, he’s talkative, but she says with everyone else, he’s very socially awkward.

One time, me and her went on break together at the mall , and we ran into her boyfriend, and he barely made eye contact or engaged with me.

She was just talking to him. In my head I couldn’t help but to think “this is the guy she’s with??” Especially when she’s told me how he seems to have low empathy.
That he turns into a wall and shuts down emotionally when she’s seeking emotional support/comfort. That he’s not a great communicator.

What’s interesting is she has opened up to me about her romantic history. She came out to me, and said She had one ex who was a girl, and another who identified as a masculine woman when they dated, then transitioned. They go by Syd.

She told me Syd was the only person she felt she had the strongest feelings for (back around highschool/beginning of college for a year and a half ) even though that situation was toxic because she was led on by Syd.

Ever since then, she’s felt like any person she’s dated, has had stronger feelings for her, than she’s had for them.

How she’s a hopeless romantic, but at the same time, feels relationships are hard and is not much of a relationship person. At one point I even asked her when she vented to me, “if I may ask , why are in a relationship then?”
And she alluded along the lines of it’s a matter of finding the time to have that conversation to ends things.

But she doesn’t seem that comfortable herself in opening to him in that way. Or finding the courage to communicate it
It almost seems like she’s in this relationship to fill a void or out of comfort. Maybe she likes him, but is not in love with him.


I know it’s not my business, but i can’t help but to question “whyyyy” especially as the person who’s unfortunately developed feelings for her and cares for her.

And feels the selfish /conflicting desire how I’m a much better match for her, because the way we communicate and understand each other so well. But I need to respect that shes still taken.


The past 2 months, we’ve been finally hanging outside of work. I initiated the plans, and expressed how she was so excited. Between working with each other, taking breaks
Together, on top of spending extra hours in the evening.

she obviously enjoys my company a lot as a person who says she likes being alone a lot and not going out much.

We went out once for pride month to thjs alternative music festival till around 12:30am. She kept smiling at me throughout the night and looking at me with this sparkle or feeling of joy i can’t explain.

Like she didn’t want the night to end and we were in very close contact. Then most recently I suggested this bar/lounge that had live music and throwback covers. She was stoked, excited, and followed through with those plans as well,

and was Very communicative in text when making the plans with me.
That day we worked together for about 8 hours, took our break together, on top of going to the bar around 9:30 until past midnight when she was starting to get tired.

In those times we spent together, she would check her phone here and There but stay present in the moment with me.

Idk, she must like me a lot to agree to be spending the whole day/night with me like that.

But other comments that indicate that I’m just a friend to her, was that same night, she told me she recognized this boy she follows on IG, showed me his IG, and telling how cute she thought she was.

Or telling me, how she told her boyfriend we were coming here. It’s just confusing, how she keeps mentioning her bf in passing conversation to me even though she talks about him in a neutral/negative way a lot of the times, yet acts like she wants a true love..then comments about other cute guys in front of me.

Maybe she calls him her boyfriend, but it’s more casual? Sorry y’all for this rant. I know I’m probably reading into things too much and driving myself crazy.

At the end of the night, we took a Lyft back to my brothers house where she parked her car before heading back to her house. Before she went back to her car, we talked for 10 more minutes. Like she wasn’t in a rush to go back to her house right away despite her being tired. I told her how I really Enjoy her company and we gotta do this again, and she felt the same, then we We gave each other a long and tight hug for
What it felt like was almost 10 seconds it was so sweet

I don’t want to keep my feelings to myself forever.
Yet I don’t want to make our friendship awkward, especially because we work together. Has anyone been in a similar scenario? I feel a lot of conflicting emotions rn

 

I can see that, so you’re definitely not off base. But yeah, I really enjoy my time with her and I notice she’s almost always so giggly/giddy around me and finds almost everything I say funny lol. I feel the chemistry, but I try to tell myself she’s just being a friendly/bubbly person. Logically, I know I can’t wait or rely on her breaking up with her bf anytime soon. He could be a really good guy, but idk I guess people get caught up in the comfort of having someone.
anyways Lately I’m trying to be more social and meet a variety of people. Like tonight I’m meeting a guy my friend wants me to meet (all three of us will be hanging out so there’s less pressure). And I admit, he’s cute. I’m open minded and he could be really cool and nice. So we’ll see how that goes, but my mind still has a hard time moving on from my crush/friend at work.
Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to tell her. If she was single, I wouldn’t hold back like I’m doing right now. I just don’t want to be selfish, get in the middle of someone’s relationship, and cause drama. It’s very conflicting. The only thing I can do is appreciate her as a person in the present moment, and continue to distract myself and be social. It’s hard

 

Well, another update lol. Last weekend
, we went out to this venue event for Halloween. Unintentionally, We were matching with our costumes and kinda looked like a couple. We pregamed beforehand and she ended up drinking a little more than me, so she got a little drunk. Well, I don’t know if the drinks made her more bold and less shy, but she started to hold hands with me with fingers intertwined here and there at some points through the night.

Or facing to the side of me as we’re listening to the music and leaning in like she wanted to kiss me. and at one point, asked me to go to the bathroom with her and offered me to go into the same bathroom stall, which I’m thinking, why the same stall?? Lol . I got nervous, so I said I’ll just wait right outside. Then later, we were dancing to the local band playing, and she got in front of me (back facing me) and started to graze herself against me, then I put my hands around her waist, holding her from behind, and she put her hands on top of my hands as I’m hugging her from behind and she seemed so content and relaxed as she’s swaying and gently grinding against me .

The alarm bells starting to ring off in my head as her interest can’t get anymore obvious , but of course my brain was just excusing it as “ohhh shes just drunk” AHH. We leave together on the same way home, and we don’t discuss what happened. Then 2 days later on Halloween night, I was off and she was working until the afternoon. She remembered i told her I wanted to go to this Halloween block party. So she texted me to asked if I wanted to go after she got off of work but she hasn’t gotten ready , so I told her I would love for her to come. Then she said she got a wave of anxiety out of no where and is trying to let it pass.

So I told her to feel better and I understand if she can’t make it because of that, that I would go with my brother either way. So she responded and thanked me for my understanding, and if anything, she’ll try to meet up with me later. She texted later in the night that she fell asleep and apologized for asking to go, then getting her anxiety. I didn’t take it personally because she was probably exhausted and things happened. I just appreciate her effort in showing interest in going. It seemed like she really wanted to see me after hanging with me 2 days prior, otherwise, she wouldn’t have texted.

Every since that night we went out, I’ve kept replaying the hugs and hand holding over and over, wanting it to happen again and think there’s this big elephant in the room with these feelings for each other, which I don’t think she’ll ever bring up first. We ended up seeing each other at work this past week like nothing happened. Now it’s been eating me up inside and i can’t stop thinking about her. We mentioned about hanging out again, and I really want to tell her how I feel to at least get it off my chest in person. Not text. I’m scared how she’s gonna react, but idk, I feel there’s something there