Sexuality confusion please help?

So I think I'm hearing two different issues here:

Issue 1, you enjoy ass play, and liked having a partner willing to engage in that with you.

Issue 2: You're wondering if you're attracted to men, in part because you masturbated with men when you were younger.

So basically, those are largely unrelated issues. There are plenty of straight men that enjoy anal stimulation; male bodies are hardwired to enjoy anal stimulation, so there's nothing really unusual there. You can be totally straight, and have a girl use a strap-on. What matters is where your sexual arousal and attraction lie, not whether you enjoy anal stimulation.

Issue 2, there are plenty of straight teens who masturbate with other teens and it is no reflection on their sexual orientation; teens are horny and often not particularly concerned about why they are horny with. So the question is... when you're masturbating without porn, are you still fantasizing about women, or do you find yourself fantasizing about men? If women... pretty safe to say you're straight. If men... then there's likely some attraction/arousal toward men there. If you haven't specifically tried masturbating to fantasies of men, you might try that and see how it is different to fantasizing about women.

 

You didn't directly answer the question I asked, which is what happens when you fantasize about men while masturbating (without porn), and then, in contrast what happens when you fantasize about women? Usually one or the other will produce much stronger arousal, and that's usually a pretty reliable indicator of where your orientation lies.

Complicating factors is it sounds like there could be either symptoms consistent with an anxiety spectrum disorder, or some sort of obsessive-compulsive spectrum traits going on here. If either of those are the case, that's going to complicate things. It has absolutely no bearing on your sexual identity, but it can cause you to question irrationally. But the real answer is usually pretty clear as a result of the above testing.

 

So if both arouse you, but you feel stronger arousal thinking about guys, that's usually a pretty good sign that the attraction for men is stronger than for women. Now... the question is whether you're closer to bisexual or gay, and that's more difficult to discern, because our internalized homophobia and fears tend to get in the way.

Basically, you have some thinking and contemplation to do. You can continue to masturbate fantasizing about guys and see how that experience works for you; often, as you start to open the door, the feelings for that will become stronger. At some point, you have to consider what this means for your current relationship, and a lot will depend there on whether your arousal is mostly about guys, or fairly equally about guys and girls. And as you get more clarity on that, you will probably need to have a conversation with your girlfriend, as it isn't fair to keep her in the dark.

A lot to think about. But there's no timetable, and you can take the time you need to get a handle on it.

 

That experience isn't uncommon while people are in the process of figuring out where they are; it's a byproduct of our internalized homophobia, the fear we have about the unknown (what it would be like to be gay), and the sense of having our identity upended.

I just want to clarify that what is being described is a transient, temporary thing while one is figuring oneself out. There's nothing I've ever seen in the research, or in common consensus among professionals, that would indicate that this happens in the long term. I just don't want the OP (or anyone reading this thread) to get confused.

The above is a great way to handle things.

 

It does tend to sound like this is more than just anxiety. When you talk about the 'groinal response' and shooting pain down your leg... is this actual physical arousal from being around guys? And when I add that to your much earlier comment that you started watching gay porn (if I read your message correctly) because you 'couldn't find' straight porn (or something like that)... that is almost certainly a rationalization, since there's about 10 times as much gay porn as straight porn.

So, then adding that to what you describe about getting equal or slightly more arousal from masturbating thinking about guys, it sounds like there's a pretty strong attraction to guys, but a really serious anxiety/fear about embracing that.

Where it gets messy is the fear can inhibit the ability to actually figure out where your attractions lie. If you weren't in a relationship, I'd suggest simply trying something with a guy, but it's not OK to do that if you're committed to someone. Perhaps you could propose a threesome with another guy to her?

 

So the more you explain it, the more what you're describing sounds like genuine same-sex attraction.

What might help is understanding how our minds process loss (in this case, loss of perception as straight. There are stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. In the denial phase, one basically avoids or minimizes the facts that might support the idea of same sex attraction. That's what seems to be going on here. This would also be the case where your body is feeling arousal when you watch gay porn, but your head is going "I don't want this". What's going on with arousal in the body is the unconscious hardwired response, while what's going through your head is filtered by your own thoughts and resistance (i.e, not wanting to accept the possiblity you could like guys.)

So it's likely that the confusion is driven at least in part by that disconnect. I would suspect that the very fact that you're talking and thinking about it will start to alter your conscious perception so that you can be more open to considering the possiblity.

At this point, I don't think anyone can say definitively that you're gay or bi or straight, only that something is going on that you need to figure out. The hard part is simply giving yourself time to contemplate. The answer is probably going to take a while.