Hey all, Can anyone help explain the difference between sexuality as an identity vs. a desire? For example, the statements "I am gay" vs. "I find men attractive and want to have sex with them" are fundamentally different, in my opinion. One is identified with sexuality as a kind of external label for the self, whereas the other is an acknowledgement of an internal sexual feeling. I guess what I'm wondering is, what value is there in the "I am" label? Is there more to sexuality that turns it from a desire into an identity that I'm missing? Or is this just a personal choice? Why do we choose to say "I am [blank]" vs. "I have an attraction to [gender]"? Totally not bashing sexuality as a unique identity. I'm just really curious about how we all relate to our sexuality on a psychological level.
(Disclaimer: I'm basing this off of half a linguistics study and a lot of assumptions.) Things like gender and sexual orientation factor a lot into how we communicate with people, so it's kind of like aligning yourself with a culture I think. Like the difference between saying "I live in Germany" vs. "I am German". Both versions are fine, the first one is slightly more passive.
One is a title the other is a description. A bit like saying "I'm a vet" vs "I heal sick animals for a living."
For me, it's because humans love labels and categories to make sense of things and relay them to others. So to me, someone saying for instance, "I am a lesbian" and, "I am a woman sexually attracted to women", are the same thing. Lesbian is just a word we use to describe someone who identifies that way or that a woman may choose to use to describe herself that way.
For me it comes down to whether or not you view it as a cultural thing or not. I'm gay and I like to think that I'm gay in much the same way that we were Mormon growing up. We weren't the same as all the other Mormons but there was enough commonality that you could feel like they were your people. I remember growing up occasionally we would go to church while travelling. We could show up somewhere we'd never been, with people we'd never met, and be recognized as "one of us" and shown where things were and invited in, probably be invited for dinner. Now it's possible that wherever we were they did things differently than we did back home. Still there was no question they were Mormons they just "Mormoned" a little differently than we did. That's how I feel about being gay. No matter where I am when I meet someone who is "gay" I relax a little bit, I lean in a bit. Doesn't mean we'll be friends, doesn't mean we have everything in common but, for me, it does mean they're one of us--doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not being one of us, most people aren't after all. But there's still something special about feeling that way about people you don't even know yet...