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Sexual fantasies vs dreams

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by RD Spencer, Aug 14, 2020.

  1. RD Spencer

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    I have read a few posts that talk about the gender you sexually fantasize about while taking care of one self is a good indicator of your sexual orientation.

    But what about dreams?

    For myself I fantasize about same sex more often but dream about opposite sex more often.

    I would like to hear what thoughts and experiences others have on this?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    We have no control over our dreams, so they are a less reliable indicator of sexuality. Even though many people believe we dream about issues that are on our mind, that's not really proven and they don't actually reveal the inner workings of mind and heart.

    When it comes to fantasies we can really tune in and have much more control, so there is a greater degree of reliability there.
     
  3. Shorthaul

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    Some times a cigar is just a cigar.

    Dreams are kind of weird and even fantasies are not always reliable. People fantasize or dream about things they wouldn't do or want to have done to them in real life.
     
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  4. BiGemini87

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    My answer pretty much derives from both of these points. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, yes, but sometimes dreams reflect something that's been bothering us. For me personally, I know I've dreamed about things I was otherwise trying not to think about--before coming out, sexual experiences with women featured heavily.

    That alone wasn't what made me aware of my orientation, however. It was the thoughts themselves, the fantasies I often suppressed, the confused feelings I'd had around some of my female friends, etc.

    I think if you're both dreaming and fantasizing (and the fantasies yield results), it can be a good indicator of your orientation. There's a difference between orientation fantasies and kink fantasies. For the latter, I know there are many things I like to fantasize about that I wouldn't necessarily be comfortable doing in real life. Or at least not to the extreme they are in said fantasies.

    As for the original post itself? I'd say I've fantasized and dreamt pretty evenly about both men and women. There have been times where it's been more one or the other, but I feel like its balanced out pretty well.
     
  5. RD Spencer

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    Interesting, so dreams aren’t quite the window into the subconscious like we have been lead to believe.
    Good to know.
    To be honest I have never been sure where I am on the scale. I just know that I am not at either end.

    It used to bother me not to know for sure. In my early years there was a few times I tried to see myself as gay and even as straight but I found that my sexual desires for both men and women were persistent. There was quite a bit of frustration that my own mind wouldn’t pick a side. It seems like it would have been easier to be completely gay if I can’t be straight.
    As the years have gone by I have learned to be ok with it. But the curiosity still hangs around.

    I just remembered an article I read in a porno magazine (back in the days before most people had the internet) that said sexual fantasies involving same sex didn’t mean much as people fantasize about kinky things they would never do all the time. Looking back it seems a bit mis-guided. Lol.
     
  6. RD Spencer

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    I have been putting some thought into the responses on dreams and it seems that my experience has been quite different. My dreams have served me well throughout my life.

    In general, they have really helped out dealing with difficult times in life, giving new view points and showing me the way through. On many occasions having my back where fantasy and envisioning was going no where or have been way off base.

    Another thing I have noticed is while emotions in my fantasies seem a bit limited and not very strong, in my dreams emotions are vastly stronger than fantasy or in real life. Not only are they much stronger, but there are emotions in my dreams that I don’t feel while awake and others I have not felt since I was a child.
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    Heh, that seems to reflect my experiences somewhat, as well. When I fantasize, it's largely physical yearning, not emotional (except in certain circumstances/regarding certain people). In dreams, it's as though my emotions are a bit more honest, more vulnerable. But like you, my dream emotions don't always match my waking ones--I think, sometimes, our subconscious taps into the part of us that maybe wants to feel a certain way, or used to feel that way regarding certain people; feelings that maybe changed due to something that might have happened in real life.

    Whatever the reason, the subconscious is a fascinating thing.
     
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  8. RD Spencer

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    I defiantly can relate to this. It seems like at times, dreams can tell us things about ourselves the we can’t see otherwise.
     
  9. out2019

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    Dreams are often highly symbolic -there are lots of theories -one is your subconscious is processing information in 'picture language'. People often have 'primeval' dreams of snakes, dragons and teeth falling out, intruders, not being able to run away from something. Many people who have no desire to do so in real life have involuntary incest or necrophiliac dreams. These are usually rare though...

    As others say, no control over that it's an organic function of your brain.

    Fantasies on the other hand - I have struggled with this are they real to me, things I just want to do ? or are they 'just' fantasies?

    I read this book by therapist Michael Bader:: Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies- it's very interesting because he says that it is not always clear why we have them- for example one dominant, assertive feminist was repulsed by her forced sex/rape fantasies (where she was forced) obviously this is not something she wanted to do in real life - but she had to think about it while having sex with her husband, but it was not a 'hidden subconscious desire' according to Bader. The problem was she had 'guilt' about enjoying sex and that her husband knowing she was a feminist was very passive in bed. With that understanding and some sessions with her husband the fantasies went down in their intensity (few fantasies ever go away completely according to him).

    His 'thesis'(based on 25 years of cases) is that fantasies are a way of overcoming whatever subconscious guilt or blocks we have about sex.
     
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  10. RD Spencer

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    Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies


    Sounds like an interesting book. I will have to add it to the list.
     
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  11. Zelos1

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    I disagree with some commenters here, i think dreams are "naked" truth. I never once dreamed about men in a sexual way untill after i had sex with a man. Admittely dreams are very weird and there is no real science proving anything, but when we are sleeping the mind is completely unable to vision something we havent seen or thought about before, so it's really already there
     
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  12. RD Spencer

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    It sounds like dreams can be quite different from person to person. It does seem like there a connection to the subconscious mind and life experience as well. But for me, I have dreamed of doing things yet to be done in real life.