sexual arousal resulting in crushing bottom dysphoria

Most of the time I am far away from even thinking sexual thoughts, because I can't see myself in a sexual way due to body dysphoria. And when I do start to feel sexual, it results in some ego crushing backlash.

I'm pre-everything afab and I can only see myself as being sexual with the male body I would feel right in. It happens to me during the day, and even in my dreams: Especially with this girl I work with that I'm particularly attracted to. Amazing personality, and gorgeous from head to toe. I could go on and on... but the point is she'll be casually stretching or something nearby me and I'll catch myself in a daze, actually feeling myself growing hard just looking at her. In that moment I just automatically feel like myself with a fully male body. I'm happy in that moment.

But it's not worth it. Soon enough I start feeling the sensations from my wrong anatomy. I can focus and stay in the moment for a little bit, but then the sensations just get louder and louder! It's difficult to explain, but going from having a growing penis to feeling an achy sticky mess between my legs is soul shattering. Feeling that my stupid body is just softness all over is humiliating. It's not just having female anatomy that hurts. It's also the humiliation of truly believing myself to be this masculine muscular man ready to dick down this hot woman, and then the contrast of feeling my body screaming "you're a girl!" Literally I can feel the emptiness inside me. It's an opposite boner. It's like my body is punishing me for defying its hold over me, even in my fantasies, by going extra hard against me.

I can't even enjoy thinking of touching someone sexually. I only like thinking about touching someone sexually with brawny male hands. These hands I have are just frustrating! Small hands with slender fingers work well for gentle caressing, but they are just pokie and ineffective for the kind of ass smacking and man handling I imagine before I realize I'm utterly hopeless in this little body.

Lately it's even been affecting my friendships. I've just had a passive aggressive attitude towards my male friends, and even my female friend's boyfriends. This has just isolated me more, left to deal with myself and this body that hates me.

and I hate this feeling! And I can't avoid this cycle! I'm miserable! Honestly I just want to be able to live in my fantasy long enough to feel some satisfaction from it, but I don't see how that's possible with my body's tenacious femininity. I am being nonsexual as much as I can, but it's hard knowing that I have the capacity to feel sexual and have fantasies, but if I try I'll face a terrible price that makes me want to disappear.

I don't know what to get from this post. Maybe it's just to vent. Maybe it's to get advice. Maybe hoping someone out there has a way for me to trade in this chick body for a body that's just unquestionably male in every respect. And I hate that I probably get compared to women with penis envy. It's probably even worse for me than a castrated cis man. Every time I've ever been able to think about using my manhood, I've only had a few minutes before feeling a horrifying void opening up between my legs and a slimy mess... feeling humiliated and ashamed at myself for being this way, for being hopelessly unable to experience the fantasy I felt was living, and absolutely pathetic for believing I had that red blooded male body, then being confronted hard with being 5'2" with twig arms and having to prioritize restraining my C cups because period boobs hurt.

I probably sound crazy. Just wish people could understand how this feels

 

Wow, really? I mean I just have felt like such an alien, it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not alone. I appreciate you sharing, bro! I haven't had the chance to commiserate about this with anyone who understands, haha.

It's also a bit hard for me because I sort of screwed myself over, and I'm getting over that insecurity. For a few years in my younger teens, I started acting like a straight cis girl. Even had a boyfriend! Did so many things for that guy... but what I didn't realize is that I wasn't doing it because I wanted to. I did it because I wanted to be him. Was playing the part of the girlfriend I wanted to be with, and vicariously living through him. No way was that who I actually was, or am, and it's hard to come back from that even though I know the truth. Most straight guys would never go through a phase like that.

I wish he even had the option to switch bodies with me, even once. Tbh it'd be worth what I put myself through, just to experience what he'd been experiencing in his body. I'm so mad that I can't cum like most guys. Have you found anything that's a worthwhile substitute for that? Even if women can technically get more pleasure, my mind literally can't let go and submit to pleasure in a female body. If it's even possible for me, I think I'll need to at least feel like I'm getting off with male anatomy. I can probably at least bind myself and find a position where I don't feel female bits jiggling, at least.