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sexual arousal resulting in crushing bottom dysphoria

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Scary Cat, Jun 14, 2020.

  1. Scary Cat

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    Most of the time I am far away from even thinking sexual thoughts, because I can't see myself in a sexual way due to body dysphoria. And when I do start to feel sexual, it results in some ego crushing backlash.

    I'm pre-everything afab and I can only see myself as being sexual with the male body I would feel right in. It happens to me during the day, and even in my dreams: Especially with this girl I work with that I'm particularly attracted to. Amazing personality, and gorgeous from head to toe. I could go on and on... but the point is she'll be casually stretching or something nearby me and I'll catch myself in a daze, actually feeling myself growing hard just looking at her. In that moment I just automatically feel like myself with a fully male body. I'm happy in that moment.

    But it's not worth it. Soon enough I start feeling the sensations from my wrong anatomy. I can focus and stay in the moment for a little bit, but then the sensations just get louder and louder! It's difficult to explain, but going from having a growing penis to feeling an achy sticky mess between my legs is soul shattering. Feeling that my stupid body is just softness all over is humiliating. It's not just having female anatomy that hurts. It's also the humiliation of truly believing myself to be this masculine muscular man ready to dick down this hot woman, and then the contrast of feeling my body screaming "you're a girl!" Literally I can feel the emptiness inside me. It's an opposite boner. It's like my body is punishing me for defying its hold over me, even in my fantasies, by going extra hard against me.

    I can't even enjoy thinking of touching someone sexually. I only like thinking about touching someone sexually with brawny male hands. These hands I have are just frustrating! Small hands with slender fingers work well for gentle caressing, but they are just pokie and ineffective for the kind of ass smacking and man handling I imagine before I realize I'm utterly hopeless in this little body.

    Lately it's even been affecting my friendships. I've just had a passive aggressive attitude towards my male friends, and even my female friend's boyfriends. This has just isolated me more, left to deal with myself and this body that hates me.

    and I hate this feeling! And I can't avoid this cycle! I'm miserable! Honestly I just want to be able to live in my fantasy long enough to feel some satisfaction from it, but I don't see how that's possible with my body's tenacious femininity. I am being nonsexual as much as I can, but it's hard knowing that I have the capacity to feel sexual and have fantasies, but if I try I'll face a terrible price that makes me want to disappear.

    I don't know what to get from this post. Maybe it's just to vent. Maybe it's to get advice. Maybe hoping someone out there has a way for me to trade in this chick body for a body that's just unquestionably male in every respect. And I hate that I probably get compared to women with penis envy. It's probably even worse for me than a castrated cis man. Every time I've ever been able to think about using my manhood, I've only had a few minutes before feeling a horrifying void opening up between my legs and a slimy mess... feeling humiliated and ashamed at myself for being this way, for being hopelessly unable to experience the fantasy I felt was living, and absolutely pathetic for believing I had that red blooded male body, then being confronted hard with being 5'2" with twig arms and having to prioritize restraining my C cups because period boobs hurt.

    I probably sound crazy. Just wish people could understand how this feels
     
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  2. sleepyboy

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    I'm 4+ years into my transition and I still feel all of this.. honestly i feel this in my soul. I haven't heard someone explain dysphoria this close to how I experience it. Especially with the passive-aggressiveness towards other men in my life, its this weird tension that I have that I DONT want to have.. it just makes everything so uncomfortable and competitive almost. Dude honestly for me the only thing that has helped me if any is just to well one, perfect my fucking techniques so that even though I don't have a cis dick I can feel some relief knowing I can make them cum when 99% of the time their cis partners fail to, and the only other thing that helps me is to close my eyes when I'm fucking and imagine exactly that. That I'm a cis man with a cis dick and the body i want. It sucks because it makes me feel so disconnected to the experience of being intimate with that person .... i wish i could help more.. i just hope you know that i'm struggling like you are. and know how hard it is. sending u love.
     
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  3. sleepyboy

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    or try using prosthetics though they're dumb expensive, even cum lube really helps me cos I'm a visual guy thats why closing my eyes really helps
     
  4. Scary Cat

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    Wow, really? I mean I just have felt like such an alien, it's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm not alone. I appreciate you sharing, bro! I haven't had the chance to commiserate about this with anyone who understands, haha.

    It's also a bit hard for me because I sort of screwed myself over, and I'm getting over that insecurity. For a few years in my younger teens, I started acting like a straight cis girl. Even had a boyfriend! Did so many things for that guy... but what I didn't realize is that I wasn't doing it because I wanted to. I did it because I wanted to be him. Was playing the part of the girlfriend I wanted to be with, and vicariously living through him. No way was that who I actually was, or am, and it's hard to come back from that even though I know the truth. Most straight guys would never go through a phase like that.

    I wish he even had the option to switch bodies with me, even once. Tbh it'd be worth what I put myself through, just to experience what he'd been experiencing in his body. I'm so mad that I can't cum like most guys. Have you found anything that's a worthwhile substitute for that? Even if women can technically get more pleasure, my mind literally can't let go and submit to pleasure in a female body. If it's even possible for me, I think I'll need to at least feel like I'm getting off with male anatomy. I can probably at least bind myself and find a position where I don't feel female bits jiggling, at least.
     
  5. chicodeoro

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    Hey Scary Cat I kinda know what you're saying. I'm m2f and I've had sort of similar but opposite feelings - for example feeling aroused from the idea of someone putting their hands over breasts that aren't physically there yet. A few weeks ago I had this weird moment where in a semi-conscious state late at night I put my hands 'down there' and I swear my brain expected to feel a clit. When it didn't it was excruciating.

    I would dearly love to trade bodies with you! I don't know if vagina envy is even a thing but I definitely have it at the moment...
     
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  6. Kelseyk92

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    Wow... someone who I can relate to. I feel you bro. I feel miserable. I get SO jealous of men and always talk about how easy they have it because I want what they have. When I have male friends I’m jealous of them, when I have female friends, I’m jealous of their love for their boyfriends and wish I had that. It’s excruciating. I hate being a woman, nothing about it appeals to me and when I think that I was meant to be born a woman, I feel lost like I don’t know what I am. I had a female friend who I had a crush on who would always cry about her baby daddy and talk about how much she loves him and how much she wants him and she said to me once “you’re getting on in life (I’m only 27, she said this when I was 25) you need to lay back and take it from a man, you’re a woman” I’m sure I’ve had PTSD since then. I push everyone away, I don’t have trouble with ladies at all but a woman could be on her hands and knees telling me she loves me and I wouldn’t believe her because I’m not a woman. I wish to be able to have sex as a man, get a woman pregnant, be viewed as a straight man, but my friend kept telling me “you’re living a dream”...
     
  7. Kelseyk92

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    I’m not bad looking - so many beautiful women have tried to get with me because I just don’t feel good enough and obviously my friend knocked my confidence (to be fair, it was after I denied her) but just know you’re not alone man
     
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  8. Kelseyk92

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    Sorry I meant, I deny them because I don’t feel good enough. I was typing fast on my phone so I might have messed up a bit but I hope you get what I mean.

    At the moment, I’ve got money in the bank, a good job, I’m in university, lots of girls have tried to get my number but I don’t feel happy. I feel unworthy of love and not good enough and uncomfortable in my body and like I will never have a healthy sex life and that I’m expected to play a role I could never ever relate to. I used to be quite a happy person but lately I just feel... I dunno, different to so many people around me!

    men don’t know how lucky they have it, I’d swap anyway
     
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  9. Kelseyk92

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    My dysphoria has gotten so bad that I feel degraded just being born a woman... expected to be with men and “banged about” a role I could NEVER EVER RELATE TO. The thing is bottom surgery is a thing but it’s not the same... I feel like I’ll never been taken as serious. I feel so less than, uncomfortable and inferior. It’s torture