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Sex with married man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by phoenix89, Dec 30, 2018.

  1. phoenix89

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    I ran into a former coworker waiting for the bus the other day and he gave me a lift. I gave him my number after talking with him and he said that he liked me but was upset that I had a wife at the time. I then told him I go both way and he asked if it bothered me that he was almost twice my age, him 53 and me 29 and I said no.

    The next day he hit me up and asked if I wanted company and I said yes and picked me up knowing what he had in mind. We went to his house for a little bit. While it was fun and I had a goodtime I'm starting to question myself. I'm upset for one just having sex like I did and two I knew he was married.
     
  2. Redwinerox

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    Happy New Year. I’ve always been on the other side of this equation. I’ve been the married guy that stepped outside of my marriage to satisfy my pent up desires. I’ve found that generally guys (married ones) don’t consider being with another man cheating or at least in the same way it would be with a lady. The truth of it is that it is all cheating. I think that my ability to compartmentalize these affairs made them possible. All that being said I made a commitment to my marriage 3 years ago and I can’t lie it’s been very difficult, but the freedom from not having to lie is liberating. Now if I could somehow not have burning desires for MM fun life could be perfect. Here’s to a great new year with a myriad of stories yet to be written.

    Cheers
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hey. I'm a married guy who has a thing for younger men. In my case, my wife knows about this and is OK with it. I considered m2m cheating so I never did it and wouldn't want another guy to have to share in the secret. My wife, actually, considers my m2m as different from me seeing women. So, I understand how some guys don't believe it's cheating. That's their thing to define.

    You haven't done anything wrong. It's on him. That said, I once met another married man and we had very limited intimacy. But, I never felt good about it and didn't see him again although we do chat quite a bit.

    Doesn't meeting this guy feel a bit like joining him in the closet? Generally, the guys I've been with are not out. But my recent friend is and I refuse to hide him.

    We each get to define how we practice our sexuality cause we are all different. But, you obviously don't feel good about this. So, you probably have your answer. Life is a learning experience and I wouldn't beat yourself up for it.
     
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  4. SevnButton

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    @phoenix89 , that was a great learning experience for you -- you now have a better understanding of what you're OK with, and what you're not OK with. I applaud your reluctance to be involved in what could be a messy situation, and if you talk with this guy, I hope you can up-front and honest with him, and maintain your own integrity.
     
  5. phoenix89

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    It was definitely a learning experience. It felt so good for someone to be interested in me anf I had a lot of bent up feelings from being in a one side relationship or being alone.

    Part of me wants to justify my actions as either right or wrong but I'm conflicted. It felt so good to be wanted even if it was by a married man, but he is already ina relationship and it hurts to be cheated on.
     
  6. Chip

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    To say that the person who knowingly engages in sex with another married person has no responsibility for the inappropriate behavior is crazy, unless said person is a sociopath or otherwise devoid of empathy.

    OP, I don't fault your behavior, as it sounds like a sort of spur-of-the-moment thing, and additionally, you're clearly concerned about it, and (rightly) realize that the impact of your behavior would be hurtful to the other person's partner were it known. So no, under no circumstances is it OK or justifiable to say "Oh, it's all on the other person who is doing the cheating." That's just a ridiculous rationalization.

    Nor is it OK to say "We all need intimacy" as an excuse for inappropriate behavior. With that sort of argument, we could justify stealing, rape, all sorts of inappropriate, antisocial behavior.

    So, OP, I think you're on the right track in asking about it, and feeling concerned. One of the things that jumps out for me is the desire to feel wanted. That likely goes a whole lot deeper than just the desire for sex or hookups, and likely relates back to family-of-origin issues that would likely benefit from therapy if that's a possibility.

    In the meantime, I think you know that this wasn't the best decision. In situations like this, it makes sense to look at how other parties stand to be hurt by your actions, and to handle the situation in the way you'd want others to handle it if it were your feelings at stake. You'll rarely go wrong if you look at it that way, and you won't feel guilty or ashamed of your behavior.
     
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