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Sex therapist told me that this is probably all in my head

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. maybgayguy

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    I had a similar situation with a therapist who billed herself as LGBT friendly. She was told me that I was not gay or bisexual and should never come out. That really set me back. I am now seeing a better, LGBT-focused therapist. He is out and gay and his husband was married to a woman.

    As Chip said above, a therapist should never tell you that you are or are not gay/bi/straight.

    I do think that going to a gay bar could be helpful. It has been really important for me. I have been to a few gay male-focused clubs. It is just nice to be out and feel safe...I can even check out hot guys without concern. (Was even at a gay strip club awhile back...that was fun!)

    However, I would never bring my wife along. I would never be able to relax. For me, being in a gay club is about exploring my sexuality and I need to be focused on how I feel.
     
  2. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Thank you everyone. I'm still upset and confused and then there are issues with my husband and I'm so fucking tired.

    She ended the session looking at my husband and said,
    "I know you're scared (of losing her) and I think part of the problem is she's idealizing this in her head. It's time for a dose of reality. Go to a gay bar and watch two masculine women fight or two feminine, but unattractive women kiss. Go to Pride together. Have her see if this is what she really wants. Because I'll tell you, I can't tell you if she's gay or bi...yet." Kinda confusing when she alluded to it being in my head. And she's going to TELL me what I am? That threw me.

    I dunno. Her demeanor rubbed me the wrong way.

    ---------- Post added 18th Jun 2016 at 10:25 AM ----------

    I'm gonna go to a gay bar next month, but I'm going with a friend. I ain't taking the husband. As maybgayguy said, I wouldn't be able to relax.

    Then again the therapist freaked me out and said a real lesbian would take my innocence and vulnerability away in a heartbeat, telling me all the right things, and destroy me.
    Builds such confidence lol.
     
    #22 caliwoman, Jun 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
  3. Really

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    Excuuuuse me?!
     
  4. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Yup. That's what she said...
     
  5. mirkku

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    This is incredibly mean and negative... :dry: "Real lesbian", already, is ridiculous, but the rest is absolute BS too. At this point, I honestly cannot believe this woman is an actual therapist. You cannot be like that and help people - LGBT or not. What a c...

    Stay strong, sister! (*hug*)
     
  6. BrookeVL

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    Wow. Just wow. I really have no words for her...
     
  7. Vasriia

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    I think it is safe to say that your therapist is secretly a heart-broken lesbian. That quote from her sounds too bitter to be coming from anything other than personal experience.
     
  8. kypso

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    Honestly I think that is a horrendous thing to say to you.
    How dare someone else get to treat you in such a patronising way.
    You are who you are caliwoman, simple as that.
     
  9. Ibrake4Ramen

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    This therapist sounds questionable. Remember, of all the crappy people you've ever met... most of them work somewhere...

    In all seriousness, there a lot of people who are unable to leave their personal biases out of their work. This is particularly unfortunate when their job impacts people's lives. For example, judges, lawyers, and LEO personnel. The vast majority of these people are upstanding people but there will always be some bad apples. Social work and counseling are no different. How do you know this person is not homophobic or holds strict religious views that do not support LGBT people?

    Remember that lady who refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples? While her job was to issue these, she claimed it infringed upon her religious beliefs. In my opinion, someone should not accept money for something they feel is wrong. She should have left the job because she was being paid to issue these to all legal couples (same-sex included) couples, it was her job to do so. So is it that much of a stretch to claim that some social workers might take advantage of their position to steer people away from an LGBT life?

    In my opinion, this therapist should not be working in field where she may have to support people in a way that clashes with her personal beliefs and then not do so. it's actually quite selfish and arrogant of her. To be blunt, she is not doing her job in accordance with professional standards. That's one of my favorite reasons to fire people. :slight_smile:
     
    #29 Ibrake4Ramen, Jun 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
  10. Eveline

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    That was disturbing to read on so many levels.

    I can say with all certainty that we've all met a large amount of women over our life times and as far as I can tell, they are all unique and interesting people in their own way and none of them are one dimensional stereotypes like your therapist tried to portray them. For someone who is supposed to understand women, who is a woman, she with all honesty seems fairly clueless...

    Many Hugs,

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #30 Eveline, Jun 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
  11. biAnnika

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    Your first sentence: hilarious.

    Your concluding paragraph: insightful and dead-on.

    Go you!
     
  12. confused04

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    UHH...HOLY SHIT. I can not believe this woman is a therapist....

    Please, run far away from her...and ignore everything she said here. It is truly awful and, well i don't even have words for it...
     
  13. baristajedi

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    Is there any way you could start with a new therapist?

    I'm sorry for this, it's really invalidating, unprofessional, and just wrong.
     
  14. caliwoman

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    Thank you everyone for the condolences and the virtual hugs! Lol.

    I'm off to search for a new therapist. For a while, before I posted I thought, "Is it just me? Did I take what she said in the wrong light...
     
  15. BrookeVL

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    Good luck! I hope you find a new therapist who's actually good!
     
  16. yuanzi

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    Wait so your therapist has never seen straight couples' bar fights or two unattractive girls fighting for an equally unattractive guy?? I am not trying to be mean here but this is just way too funny :roflmao:
     
  17. Chip

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    You might, if you are so inclined, consider filing a grievance with the board of behavioral sciences in your state. This therapist should not be treating people without extensive additional training, and possibly not at all.
     
  18. Gunsmoke

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    Wow, okay. Nothing new to add here, but yeah, she sounds like a homophobic creep. I'm sorry that you had such an experience. Please try not to let her get to you. I wonder if she got the memo about homosexuality and bisexuality being taken out of the DSM? They haven't been considered mental disorders for a long time, at least not in Western society.

    As for her opinion on "real" lesbians, I'd suggest going out and meeting actual lesbians. Or staying in, you know, you could always continue on this site. Good luck with your bar thing!
     
  19. Landgirl

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    Hi Caliwoman,

    I have some personal experience with a therapist in the past, who told me some very similar things - that the reasons for me desiring a relationship with a woman lay in the unsatisfactory relationship that I had with my mother; that I wouldn't be able to handle the reality of such a relationship and should keep it as a fantasy; and that my husband was a good man so it would be stupid to leave him.

    The consequences of me believing her have haunted me for the last twenty years. I recently separated from my husband, and have spent two years seeing a therapist who is not a LGBT specialist, but is very openminded. She admits that some gay women she has worked with have had "mother issues", but not by any means all, and would never presume to tell me how I should identify or who I should date.

    She believes that my experience with the first therapist caused great damage, and is extremely angry that my issues were exacerbated by somebody in her own profession. As a result she has had to proceed really carefully with me and explain what she is doing and why all the time, and even so it took me a year before I was prepared to trust her enough to raise the subject of my sexuality once more. If the first therapist was still practising, my current therapist would be taking steps to get her struck off.

    My first therapist told me that, having uncovered all my childhood issues, I was now "cured", and stopped my therapy. I spent ages wondering what was wrong with me, that I didn't feel "cured", yet I must be, because she had said so. The whole experience thus left me feeling inadequate and pathetic, to still be so needy. Later on, I discovered that shortly after terminating my therapy, she had suffered a nervous breakdown of her own, which resulted in her never returning to the profession.

    Find another therapist. You deserve better.
     
  20. yeehaw

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    I'm really happy to hear that you will be finding a new therapist. Therapy should be a safe place that makes it easier for you to grow into who you are as you are ready--she does not sound like someone who is capable of providing that kind of space for you--she's putting up roadblocks that seem to say "this isn't who you are" which isn't her place at all. YOU get to figure out who you are. And the thought of a therapist making multiple references to unflattering stereotypes about LGBT folks--ugh--it pisses me off.

    Good luck on the search for a good therapist. They are out there!