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Sex, gender, identity.. What am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Matti, Feb 7, 2010.

  1. Matti

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    I've been holding back for a while, it seemed a bit rude to start a HEEELPME!! thread two seconds after joining.. Ok, here it goes... *gulps*

    As seen here on the left, I'm not sure about my identity. I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality, but I'm starting to understand it. Somewhat.
    But I'm having big troubles with my sex/gender identity and I wanted to ask you guys for some help/advice/thoughts.
    But I warn you, there's a lot of words below and even mentions of strap-ons! :eek:

    I started to feel uncomfortable in my body around 17, in a way I hadn't felt before. I thought much about and.. I wanted to be a boy. I wanted a boys body, I wanted to know what is was like to grow up as a boy, I wanted to be seen as a boy. I had problems being nude and couldn't look at my body without feeling sick.
    I told my mother about this and her respones was "you're growing up so naturally you'll feel uncomfortable in your own skin. It'll go away." I felt devastated but I believed her, and have continued to do so. Now, years later, these thoughts and wants are still there! I don't understand why! They got more silent when I got a boyfriend (he was distractingly sweet, heehee) but they were still there... I told him once. He didn't know what to say and I panicked and said something like "I'm just crazy, maybe I just love the man body so much I want one for myself" and we didn't talk about anymore. I was so scared he'd leave me because of that!
    Well.. Erhh.. One thing about our relationship that I loved was in the bedroom.. He was into strap-ons (at first, I had no idea what it was) and we tried it... It was awesome! It didn't give me sexual pleasure like "regular" sex but to have a penis(even if it was a purple numb one) and make love to him..! I've even secretly worn strap-ons in public. A bit uncomfortable but worth it.
    Ok, lets move on, don't want you to get any disturbing mental images...

    My views on genders are rather... loose, so I don't have any problems with clothes, haircuts, anything external like that. I wear what I want, which have made people confused since it's hard to pin down a person that's "victorian gothic" on day and "tomboy skatepunk" the next.. But I want to have a boys/mans body. These fat lumps called breasts feel so.... alien, in lack of better words. I hate them! I hate how I must wear a bra so they wont uncomfortably hang and bounce by the slightest movement. I hate how they're always in the damn way. I hate how big my hips are, I hate my uterus and the idiotical thing called menstruation! I hatehatehate how womanly my body is and I'd cut of my toes if I could have an androgyne body so people at least could mistake me for a guy.
    And listen to this - My biggest pride and joy on my body is my hair line below my belly button! Everyone I know think it's gross but to me, it's... Something that makes me feel a bit.... Manly.
    I feel like I'm insane. Heh, I'm starting to regret writing this..

    I can't see myself as a transexual. I didn't feel like I was born in the wrong body when I was a kid, I didn't have problems playing with Barbies or My Little Ponies. I still wear skirts and dresses from time to time and I've never opposed to all the "girly" things. I don't feel like I fit into the image of a transexual person.
    The thing is.. When it comes to others, I can easily accept that they don't fit into the "stereotypical transexual-image", but I can't do that to myself. I feel like an idiot because of that.. :icon_redf
    But well, umm.. Just recently I came across an article in a big Swedish news paper, DN. It was about transexuality (and on the front page!), it was very informative and it mentioned that not every transexual discovers their true identity as a young child. I started crying when reading that. But I still can't believe I'd ever be anything near transexual.. I can't help but to think stuff like "it's a phase", "I'm just curious", "I'm just freaking mental!"

    I haven't talked to many people about this, because I don't want to feel like I'm searching for attention. I haven't talked about it with my family (my mom probably doesn't remember that moment..) and I don't know if I should. I've always been the little sister, the small cute daughter, the scared and silent girl. I'd feel like I'm disturbing the reality of my family.
    But to my friends, my two best friends I've known since childhood.. I'm so glad I have them and how supportive and accepting they are. I've talked about this a lot with them.
    Since I was 15-16, we came up with nicknames for eachother and my name being Matilda mine become Matti. Just so you know, it's a Finnish boy name. Kind of funny, seeing as I have relatives in Finland.
    I love that name. I wish everyone I know would call me that but it feels like it's too late. And, it would feel disrespectful against my parents. They named me Matilda the second I was born, I just simply looked like a Matilda, so changing that... I don't know..

    I'm scared of talking to a professional about this, because I'm afraid they'll say "you're not meant to be a boy, you're 100% girl!" And while it feels like I should want that response, I get a big knot i my stomach just thinking about... Does that sound weird?

    Some days when these feelings are extra intense, I can't be around guys. I get so envious and angry that they have experienced growing up as a boy, becoming a man, having a male body, being seen as a guy... I'm sorry, but I almost hate them :icon_sad: And men that wants to become women, oh GOD... I fully understand what they're feeling, but I can't help but get a bit... angry at them... Wow, I feel like a terrible person now..!

    Oh man, I'm sorry that this became such a long post! I hope it didn't come off as too stupid, whiny, weird or anything... I apologise for any faulty grammar and/or spelling mistakes. *prepares self for pressing the Submit button*
     
  2. The Paradigm

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    Wow. That was pretty big.

    I know this is generic and probably unbefitting of your massive post but just remember.
    You are you.

    It doesn't matter what your sexuality is. Don't feel the need to find it immediately. Do what feels natural, what feels good. You can't ever go wrong that way. :slight_smile:
     
  3. adam88

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    You had quite a bit to get out, so don't worry about the post being long. Reminds me of the first person I came out to. The most important thing to get from this is that you've finally "come out to yourself" about this aspect of yourself to the point where you were able to go to a public forum and ask for help. That alone is an accomplishment. :slight_smile:

    Concerning gender identities - I agree with what The Paradigm said. You are you. Gender identity is a spectrum, too, so don't be too quick to label yourself. There are many transgendered people (some of whom I know personally) that never get hormone replacement or surgery. One of my friends, for example only made the decision to get his breasts removed recently, after going for years not caring either way and has never taken hormones. Some merely dress like the opposite gender sometime. So take your time, listen to the stories of others and explore this for yourself. :slight_smile:

    You did come to the right place as there are quite a few trans and genderqueer people here at EC that can probably help you out. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Matti

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    Thank you both, and I apologise again for the length of my post. But yes, I had a lot on my chest, heh..
    I haven't been here for long but I can already feel the warmth of this community :icon_bigg
     
  5. Sylver

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    Thank you for your post, and for taking the time to say what you had to. You can be sure that the level of detail you've provided will help others to focus in on the issue and give you some targeted advice.

    I'll start by saying that I don't have transgendered feelings myself, so I can only relate to your situation from the outside. But it does sound to me like you might be "in the wrong body" so to speak. It's good that you're starting to explore this possibility more thoroughly, which includes making this post. You shouldn't have to live your life uncomfortable with who you are, for any reason.

    One piece of advice I can offer from my own situation, don't fall victim to stereotypes. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I was gay because I didn't fit the "conventional" gay stereotypes. I now realize that those stereotypes are irrelevant to who I am. The same goes for you - as mentioned above, there is a spectrum of sexuality and also a spectrum of gender identity, and you're only bound to be you, not a box that someone else tries to fit you into. You're the one who's feeling the discomfort with your gender, so only you will know when it will be adequately addressed.
     
  6. Eleanor Rigby

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    Hi Matti and welcome to EC :slight_smile:
    thanks for sharing your feelings with us, your post was in no way too long :slight_smile:
    Well, I can't relate to how you are feeling, I can just imagine what it must be from what you said, so you're very welcome to correct me if I say something that you think is wrong, and please forgive me if I ever say something that's offensive for you, I am in no way trying to offense you in anyways.

    It seems to me, from what you said, that you feel like you should be a man, but that a part of you reject the idea that you could be transgender.
    Reading your post, I get the feeling that you'd like to be a man, but that you're scared of what being a transgender could imply, like coming out to your family and not being the quiet girl anymore, maybe going to hormonal treatments and surgery... I totaly see why these things would be scary.
    On the side of this, you say you can't see yourself fitting with "the stereotypical transexual image", and that it makes you think (hope ?) that you're not transgender, but you're jealous of men for the body they have and you can relate to transgender people but you're angry at them. You don't say why you feel angry, but I guess it's because you're jealous they have figured out who they truly are and do something about it, while you're still stuck with your questions.
    All in all, it seems to me that you are in the process of coming out to yourself, as transgender, with all the questions and the fears this might raise.

    Maybe talking with people who have transitionned from female to male body will help you to answer the questions you have. If you want to, you're very welcome to PM Miles who is one of the Ec's advisors http://emptyclosets.com/forum/member.php?u=3268

    And please, remember that whatever your gender is, the most important thing is that you are a wonderful human being. No matter where you fit in the gender spectrum, the most important thing is that you get to feel comfortable in your own skin. (*hug*)

    Take care, Eleanor
     
  7. gemerency

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    wanna trade bodies? a female body would make my life so much simpler...

    as for your post, the people above have obviously covered most of it. there is no deadline for labels so just take your time. get used to yourself, i am. i'll admit i would like to be female but it's not going to happen so i might as well settle for now and enjoy whats right in front of me.
     
  8. Matti

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    Firstly, I'm sorry for my late response, I've been away for a few days...
    Secondly, thank you so much for the great words everyone! Really, it really means a lot to me.

    JamesENL, thanks for your advice. I'm gonna keep that in mind :slight_smile:

    Eleanor Rigby, I didn't think your post was offensive at all.
    Yes, I feel a bit jealous. At some because they know exactly what they are and what they want, others because they have the body I want and some just because they are comfortable just the way they are. Like my best friends, they've never questioned their gender identity, it's always been 'right' for them. But at the same time I'm glad they're happy.
    I'll PM Miles when I get the courage, hehe..

    gemerency, oh it would be so great if we could just trade bodies whenever we wanted to! Or just change it just by snapping our fingers..
     
  9. fragomatrick

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    I would say, just take up a hobby that keeps you busy all the time. But doonot seek a profesional help!Let nature run it's course...! Even i am unsure whether or not i am gay.But i think i am! and the moment i begin to get these thoughts in my head, i begin to read or play the guitar. I think you are very luck to have freinds to talk to. Just be grateful for whatever you have.
     
  10. haelmarie

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    Whipping Girl by Julie Serano is an excellent book to do with transgender issues. Although she was in the opposite situation as you, she didn't realize her transexuality until she was much older (she didn't start transitioning until later on in her life).

    You should read it.
     
  11. xCrazyInsanity

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    Sure. Everyone has insecurities. But not to the point of feeling sick
    at your self.

    I know where that comes from.

    Strong feelings, no?
    Have been there. Am doing that. Though technically you don't have to
    wear a bra, there are binders out there too (or other things I do that
    are less than healthy) that also hide at least the boob things.

    That's something pretty big to hate so much. Don't take it too lightly.

    Nah, you're not insane :slight_smile:

    Psh, No one really fits into the "stereotypical image"
    I wore dresses the first 7-8 years of my life. Means nothing except
    REALLY embarrassing child pics.
    Really. Really embarassing.

    No one can like, prove your gender except you, but you defiantly seem like you’re not happy with your sex.

    If you’re talking to a theripst who’s going to say you’re “supposed to be a girl”, then find a new one.
    Doesn’t sound weird
    your gender doesn’t have anything to do with what your body is.

    (*hug*)


    Now, my 2 cents.

    you sound a lot like me, a little older

    There's nothing wrong about discoviering this stuff later in life.
    But coming out is scary.
    for anyone.

    Having supportive friends is great.
    If you want to talk... I don't mind.


    And you have an amazingly well-composed post
     
  12. Matti

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    rahulxxx, I am very grateful :slight_smile: Not only for my friends but for my family. They are very accepting and loving, which is why I feel bad for not telling them about this.

    haelmarie, thank you for the tip - I'll definitely look more into it!

    xCrazyInsanity, thank you. Hate is a pretty strong word and I usually don't use it lightly, but my body provokes a strong reaction that I can't describe in another way. Only my own though, I don't feel anything negative about the female body of others.
    And thanks for the tip, I'll see if they sell binders in Sweden :slight_smile:
     
  13. xCrazyInsanity

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    There's always the interwebs, since there aren't many stores that specialize. Sorry, I'm not good for recommendations (I'm living at home. homophobic parents who are blissfully ignorant)

    Why would you hate other girls' bodies?
    lol. I was asked that once by a teacher though. WTF, right? Eh she didn't really have a clue.
     
  14. Matti

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    Yes, but I'm afraid of expensive shipping (poor little sod, yes I am!) I've found a place in my town that sells binders though! I'm gonna check 'em out on monday :grin:

    Heh, I guess I just wanted to clearify it since I passionately spew hate on my body for being female, or something like that :redface:
    I've acctually spoken to my psychologist about this (yay, baby steps ahead!) and one of her questions was if I was into girls and thought I needed to be a guy for that..? :confused: But she was honest about not having much knowledge about this type of things.
     
  15. seadog

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    Hi Matti. Glad you are here. I love who you are. I wish I was a gal so I could help better with insights, etc. We're all with you! another matt!