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~Severe~ Gender Confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by lymanclark, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    Hey, y'all! Well, I'm new here; the reason I made this account is because (if you couldn't tell from the title of this thread) I'm flummoxed by my gender identity :eusa_doh:. Bewaaaaaare: this post shall be long, rambling, and filled with bad jokes.

    Y'see, ever since I was a wee spider, I've appeared to be a girl. I was born physically female, I wore puffy dresses that would not look out of place in Scarlett O'Hara's wardrobe, and I was a rabid Disney Princess fan. However, there was always a part of me that tended to try and shrug off that feminine identity: a good deal of my earliest friends were boys, and when I was with them I'd do my best to become "one of the guys". I'd even dress in a more androgynous way, as far as I can remember. At this point, though, I had no real understanding of gender identity or expression or all that jazz; I didn't know that boys and girls were physically different until I was 8, had not a clue as to how babies were made until the age of 11, and had never heard the word "lesbian" 'til 12.

    Then came high school, during which time I discovered the Interwebz and began to read more about things like sexual orientation and gender identity. I didn't really apply any of that stuff to me, as I still hadn't developed any crushes on *anyone* - boy, girl, or otherwise. HOWEVER! The summer before senior year, I decided to Google something that I'd noticed in myself for quite some time: "I feel like a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes".

    And thus, beloved readers (if there are any of y'all left by this point), I stumbled upon the term "bi-gender". I felt it fit me, and started to read more about the spokes of the trans* umbrella.

    A few months and many blog posts/news articles/webcomics later, a jolt of realization hit me: I didn't really feel comfortable with being grouped in as a girl. Ever. Sure, I enjoy DRESSING like a girl, but it always feels fake, somehow: like I'm putting on a female costume. I feel most comfortable in masculine clothes, prefer being called "he" - and I daydream about going to sleep and waking up as a 6-foot-tall guy :eusa_danc I also experience dysphoria, especially concerning my upper half and hips - although I'm comparatively lucky, as - according to one friend - I've got the build of "an eleven-year-old boy". Something I've also noticed - I'm not sure if any of y'all feel this - is that whenever things brush against/cling to my chest (specifically certain…. parts of my chest), I feel this sense of intense shame and disgust. I've felt it ever since I was a little kid, I think. Ooh, and I recently did the finger-ratio thing, and my fingers show that I was exposed to some maaaajor androgens as a fetus (and yet, I'm still barely 5'3" dammit).

    After that, I began to identify as a trans* guy/FTM. My question is, drawing from what I've said, do you think that I really am one? I didn't really identify as male until about a year ago, and was noncommittal about being referred to as female before that (I've always hated "young woman", as well as the word "she", though).

    However - this is important, I think - I was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Level 1 (formerly known as Asperger's). I wonder if my masculinity is a product of that, since I've got a naturally less empathetic and more analytical brain. Alternately, it could be that my initial femininity was caused by my fear of being seen as "weird" and "different", my logic being: "People tell me I'm a girl, so maybe if I act like Princess Ariel everyone will like me and think I'm normal!!"

    So…. what d'you think? Do I sound like an FTM? Might I be trans-masculine, or genderqueer? Am I just a confused lesbian? I know that y'all can't really answer these questions accurately - but maybe you can provide some insight (!)

    ^ (man, I'd been trying to fit that dancing banana in all throughout this post…. best emoticon EVER (!) (!) (!) (!))
     
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    You sound like you could be a trans guy to me, of course no one can tell you for sure but I think so. I don't really know the link between aspergers and transsexuality, but I've heard it mentioned before, maybe some other member has more information than I do, I have seen other trans people that have it though.
     
  3. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @Acm: Thanks for the reply, dude! (West Coast high-five)

    Yeah, I'm notorious for being an awkward turtle. It's interesting how much clothes matter to me: not because I particularly care about fashion, but because even the tiniest sartorial details can alter one's perception of me. If I'm in a dress or skirt, I will clam up and act extremely shy. I swear that I start speaking in a vocal range that humans cannot hear, because people have to ask me to repeat my words roughly 500,000,000 times.

    Stick me in a suit, tie, and binder, though, and I'll start talking your ear off like a loud, obnoxious seasoned politician* (!)

    *This is redundant, actually. Pretty much every seasoned politician is loud and obnoxious.
     
  4. confuzzled82

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    Nothing wrong with being an aspie and questioning your gender. You're not the only one here.

    Now, we just gotta get you talking with our other politicians on here, and see where that goes, and we'll see how you fare.
     
  5. IS92

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    A lot of what you said in your post reminded me of things I went through at the end of high school and beginning of college. I was a girly child, only started questioning gender when I went to college, and went through several different labels; from bigender to genderfluid and finally settling on FTM transgender. You're not alone there.
    I can't tell you whether you're transgender or not, since that's something only you can say. I will, however, say that it sounds to me like you're a trans guy.
     
  6. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @confuzzled82 - Hey, are you a fellow Aspie? Howdy! Do you also get the frequent comparisons to Sheldon Cooper? ಠ_ಠ

    @IS92 - Really? Ah, it's great to know that there are others like me. I hear all these stories about how people figured out they were trans* when they were, like, 5, and that made me seriously question the authenticity of my feelings. I have a feeling that yeah, I'm a trans* dude - it just took forever for me to figure it out, because I don't understand emotions all that well :-/
     
  7. Acm

    Acm Guest

    I didn't realize I was trans until I was 14, and even then I identified as agender for a few months before realizing I was actually just a guy. I think it's pretty common to figure out later, not everyone knows at a young age, although some do
     
  8. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @Acm - yup, I vacillated a lot over the last year. Sometimes I would wake up all happy not thinking or caring about the fact that I'm physically female; because of that, I figured that I was genderqueer. However, as soon as someone pointed out that I was, indeed, physically female…. bye-bye bliss, hello dysphoria T_T

    On another note, have any other trans* guys noticed any physical traits that seem more masculine than feminine? For example, I sing in the tenor range, my throat is fairly prominent, I've got naturally broad shoulders/a tendency to gain muscle quickly/an androgynous build…. oh, and if I really put my mind to it, I can grow a small mustache (!)

    ^ (Ballet Banana is definitely going to be in every one of my posts now)
     
  9. IS92

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    Yeah, there's a lot of stories out there about people who've known since they were tiny, but like acm said, it doesn't seem uncommon for people to realize they're trans at an older age. I know the area I grew up definitely played a part in when I started putting the pieces together. Or maybe I'm just dense. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2014 at 11:27 PM ----------

    As far as physical traits go, I have broader shoulders than most, and narrower hips. I'm friggin' grateful for that.
     
  10. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @IS92 - How'd it play a part, if you don't mind me asking? And yeah - I'm a sheltered, emotionally clueless person…. took me 16 years :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Yeah, my friends all say that my hips are narrow…. I beg to differ, 'cuz I feel like frikkin' Marilyn Monroe 95% of the time -_-
     
    #10 lymanclark, Oct 20, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2014
  11. Lady Boss

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    ever since the 4th grade ive been called names about the way i look the way i dress bc i dont act or dress like most grils should but that is just not me if you have a problem with that its to dam bad bc i like me for who i am so wat every
     
  12. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @Lady Boss - That is wonderful, and I would be extremely hypocritical if I had a problem with that (!)

    I was kind of an ignorant, slightly homophobic dweeb in middle school, though. Mostly because I was sheltered, ignorant, and uncomfortable with my own affiliation with the rainbow. My friends confessed that when I came out to them, they were shocked, because I was one of the most conservative people they knew.
     
  13. Lady Boss

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    who alongs as you love yourself then who cares what anybody thinks

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2014 at 08:59 PM ----------

    so wat you doing

    ---------- Post added 20th Oct 2014 at 09:08 PM ----------

    :icon_sad:I am the only one still on this thang
     
  14. birdking

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    There are tons of stories of people figuring out they were transgender, like, in kindergarten. I wouldn't worry about it. I figured out at like 12ish and came out at 14 but it's not uncommon to come out when you're up into your 20s or even later.

    As for the wearing dresses thing, what you like or how you like to dress up does not play a role in your gender. Who you are is not defined by what you like! It's perfectly acceptable to wear makeup or feminine clothes or whatever floats your boat. Don't let closed-minded people discourage you.
     
  15. IS92

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    I don't mind you asking at all. :slight_smile: It played a part mostly in that I didn't know being transgender was a thing until college. Growing up in the equivalent of Redneckville, USA, there aren't exactly many openly gay people in my home town, let alone anyone that I knew or knew of that was trans, or even gender nonconforming. Pretty much everyone around me fit one mold or the other. So that's how. I hope I explained that well. It certainly wasn't the only factor though.
    And you figured things out sooner than I did - took me 20 years.
     
  16. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    @IS92 - Ahhhhh yeah college must be an eye-opening time :grin: I'm hoping to convince my parents to let me get a binder by then.... I was so paranoid that they'd find my old one, I had to throw it away :frowning2: They're definitely not homophobic/trans phobic - they just don't believe me.
     
  17. lymanclark

    lymanclark Guest

    Okay, so part of the reason I'm asking is because I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder. And apparently, some cisgender/heterosexual folks with OCD will become paranoid and convince themselves that they're gay or trans. However, I don't think they feel genuine dysphoria, or actually dream of being the opposite sex, both of which I do.... I also feel like this has been going on a lot longer than I've known about it - maybe it's not just a recent thing.
     
  18. Lady Boss

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    @birdking nice pic :slight_smile: