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Setbacks and Progress

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Alexis17, Aug 5, 2017.

  1. Alexis17

    Regular Member

    Jun 6, 2017
    Likes Received:
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hey there everyone!
    I'm not sure if this is the right forum to post this in, but, seeing as most of what I'll be discussing is related to my gender identity, hopefully it'll be ok.
    This is just a lot of stuff that I needed to get off my chest because I have no one to talk to in real life except for my therapist and she is currently on holidays so I'm all on my lonesome at the moment.
    So things started to go downhill for me about 2 weeks ago when I got into an argument with my boyfriend and we broke up. We had been going out for a bit over a year and it is the first serious relationship I've had and I became really dependent on him to support me emotionally. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to get back together with him, because some of the stuff he said was extremely hurtful and our relationship had been fizzling out for a while imo, but I do miss the emotional support he gave me. He always encouraged me to be the person I wanted to be and to not give a f*ck about what anyone else thought. This was really great when I started to explore my gender identity because he was the person I always turned to when I needed someone to talk/vent to and now I don't have that anymore, and it is really messing me up tbh. Is it normal to miss a person but not the relationship??
    Then my first binder arrived a day or two after this happened and that was great!! :grin: I also went shopping in the men's section and bought myself a really nice hoody. That was a massive step forward for me because I have always been way too scared to go shopping in the men's before.
    However, that victory was short lived because a few days afterwards I had a family wedding I had to attend. I identify as non-binary but I am not out to anyone in my family and I was afab. We live in a rather conservative area and it would be unheard of for a "girl" to wear a suit to wedding so that meant that I was forced into a dress and heels. I hated every minute of it because the dress I had really showed off my feminine figure which I always try my best to hide and I get pretty bad chest dysphoria. I felt so fake and not me if that makes sense. So anyway, the result of all this was I had a pretty miserable day and I spent most of the day after in tears due to dysphoria and having to act "like a girl" etc. It was horrible and I am really glad that there won't be anymore family occasions for a while.
    But then today I decided that I was sick of other people dictating what I can and can't do with my body and my life so I decided to make an appointment with my local hair salon and I'm planning to get my hair cut really short. The appointment is for Wednesday and I'm super excited but also really nervous at the same time. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'm not worried about how other people will perceive me but I am scared that it will look awful on me. I am planning on getting it cut like this and I really hope I can pull it off.
    That's about it.I hope this makes sense, I'm super tired right now because I didn't get much sleep last night and my writing skills go down the toilet when I'm tired XD Thank you for listening to me.