1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Separation, divorce, and then this...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Nov 13, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    So I'm separating from my husband and divorcing. He's all over the place. He's either crying or hates me. I've been out of work and literally not one dollar to my name...I accept I got myself in this spot, relying on my husband and I'll have to learn the lessons to never be put in this position again.

    Today, I asked my mom if I could sleep at my parents place for two nights while I get my place ready with my relatives. She said, "Well, your dad is on vacation and you can be loud. You ain't quiet. I don't think it would be very comfortable for him." I damn nearly started crying. My parents have always told me "your too this or you're too that." Usually, it's that I make them uncomfortable because I'm loud and laugh too loudly or something.

    Their daughter is going through the hardest time in her life. Ending a marriage, no job, panic and anxiety (last week had to circle around the hospital for 30 minutes so I could calm down and not think I was dying).

    Telling me that I'd make them uncomfortable brought back flashbacks of when as a small kid, they'd kick me out of bed and just cuddle with my brother. I made them uncomfortable my taking up room in their bed. I'd slink off crying to myself and weep softly so they couldn't hear me. Later, I grew up and learned to cry in the shower, never bringing attention to myself.

    I don't know how to feel about this. They aren't responsible for me. I'm 35 and have made my choices. I guess I'd hope I'd treat my kid (I don't have any) better than this.
     
  2. DAFriend

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2016
    Messages:
    327
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Arkansas
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sounds like my EX parents - only I didn't bother trying to go back to that house, even for a minute.

    It would be great to actually have a Mom and Dad, but not all of us get that, we get a mother and a father, but, that doesn't make them Mom and Dad.

    I know it hurts but, it does no good to dwell on it or wish they would change, it isn't happening and, there are better people in this world. All you can do is move on and, find the people that really are your family, even when blood has nothing to do with them being family to you. There are good people out there, just sometimes that isn't the people who raised, or tried to raise us.
     
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    I don't know what to do. They don't think they do anything wrong.

    My mom never asks about me. She dumps on me for hours. Maybe, during that time, she'll ask about me once. Last month, we went out to lunch w/my Grandma and Aunt and my mom talked about her issues the entire time. At the end, my aunt looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry honey, we haven't asked about you and what you're going through. Not once. How does that make you feel?" I almost started crying and I didn't know how to answer her. It threw me off. I'm not use to someone sincerely asking about me.

    A week ago, my dad became upset with me because I told my nephew I couldn't buy him a laptop for Christmas. He called me an inconsistent aunt. If I've tried to teach my nieces and nephew, manners, and he's told them, "You don't need to say please or thank you to her."

    I tiptoe around them to make them happy. I do things to please them and adjust my attitiude accordingly. I do the same for the women I'm attracted to (I don't do this with men).

    I become attracted to strong, dominant women so they can take care of me. My mom never defended me against my dad, ever. Still doesn't. I think I want a woman who would take care of me.

    Ugh. So dysfunctional.
     
  4. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I would have cried too. I almost did just reading about it. Sounds like your aunt might be a better person to talk to. And I agree with DAFriend, you have to build a new community of friends. Easier said than done I guess. Hey, I need to do that too. And it's an ongoing process.

    I hope other EC people have advice too, maybe if they were in similar situations. For no reason except for my good luck, my parents (both gone now) were better than that.
     
  5. faustian1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2011
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA
    Your husband's reaction, well it doesn't surprise me that much. And yes, it's probably not good to have nothing coming in on your own account.

    Your mother's response to you, on the other hand, shocks me in the extreme. And for that response, I am very sorry for you. I can only imagine that this makes you feel so very more more alone, than your husband's reaction.

    I am at a loss to suggest a quick solution. There are a few. You've already seen another's suggestion that you need some new friends. I think that is 1000% right. I sure hope you have a friend now, somewhere.

    If not, then there are shelters for women in most major metropolitan areas. I guess that's the next stop.

    If you had severe estrangement with your mother before, then perhaps I could see her reaction. But if not, then....it is reprehensible.

    Oh, and by the way...I don't think it's all that dysfunctional for you to want to be around strong women. Look at it this way, it's been known for quite some time that straight people often pick opposite sex partners that fulfill something lacking in their parental relationships. Why shouldn't you? It's probably the reason why you're comforted to be around such women.
     
    #5 faustian1, Nov 13, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2016
  6. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Thank you BEEN and FAUSTIAN for your replies. I thought I was being too emotional. I spent most of the day crying; I tried not to cry in front of my mom, as my niece and her friend were also in the car.

    After that exchange, my mom bought chicken for them to eat. I came back to my place (which is about 100 yards away) and ate chips and dip and sat in my condo, which I shared with my husband and we are currently moving out of and so, has no power. I sat alone and watched some TV on my laptop. My parents haven't asked me if I'm hungry, didn't ask if I'd like chicken...haven't said a thing.

    In fact, I think my mom is angry. While we're in the car, my husband phoned again and again. After that, my mom said "He's not left you go. Now I'm worried for my safety. What if he comes around harassing us or you when you move?"
    In the mean time, I was trying to not let her see the tears drip down my face about what she had said 30 minutes before.

    She got on my case and said that I need to take this seriously. I said that I am, but don't agree with her that I should fear my soon to be ex. I know he's taking it hard and he's used to me giving him chance anger chance after chance. This is a blow to him, I know.

    So she's prob pissed I don't agree with her and that's why she hasn't said a thing.
     
  7. Bunny45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Messages:
    390
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    Wow, Cali your parents are messed up. Your a good person and you haven't done anything wrong. Cry all you want, their comfort isn't your problem. Seriously they don't appear to support you in anyway, why walk on eggshells for them. Repeating again you are a good person you didn't do anything to deserve how you are being treated. I'm shocked at their behavior. Long distance hugs.
     
  8. Landgirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2016
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    39
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I too find myself attracted to strong women. In my case they're also quite petite as well. This worried me for some time, because I didn't want to think I was picking them because I wanted to dominate them physically. However I've since come to realise that they are the direct opposite of my mother, who was bigger than me and let herself be dominated by my father. And they strongly resemble the mothers of my two best friends, who made me feel very welcome. They were both petite women who had been widowed at an early age, had no man to tell them what to do, and had immense strength of character.

    It's not dysfunctional, Cali. It's connecting with the hurt child inside you, who naturally responds to the type of women she recognised she needed all those years ago. One of my friends married a much older man, which everybody recognised was an attempt to replace the father she had lost, but nobody ever suggested it was a pull she shouldn't have allowed herself to respond to. Instead I think we should be congratulating ourselves on our self-awareness!