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Sending Mix feelings....falling for same sex friend

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MichelleQ, Dec 13, 2017.

  1. MichelleQ

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    This year I met a girl and we clicked instantly. There was fireworks, starry eyes, long hugs, and cuddles. We have been inseparable for the past 9 months and I think I'm falling for her. She is straight, a christian and hasn't dated girls before but she knows I'm bisexual and have dated girls in the past.
    She sleeps over at least once a week in my bed (both only wearing underwear and bra). We cuddle for hours intertwining our legs together, rubbing each other, massaging our body all over, playfully tickling and wrestling. Sometimes we stay up until 6am cuddling and massaging each other. There has even been moments when I have tickled her vagina and she let me. I am so confused. We haven't kissed or did anything else.
    She is a christian and I know we will never date. But does she like me? Does she like the attention?
     
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  2. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Ahh.. I would be confused too. That's a really tough situation and I've been in a similar place... though I was the friend.

    I would say she's exploring her sexuality, in denial, and/or being sensual/sexual in a way she has rationalized as not breaking any moral boundary. If she is straight and wanted attention, she could get it from a guy. Not to say she couldn't be seeking attention, its just not as likely to the extent you guys have been intimate. She might be straight or not, but unfortunately only she knows the answer to that. I will say, you have very good reasons to believe she's into you. Most people would assume something is going on, because how you're interacting is NOT platonic and you sound close relationally.

    Just because she is a christian doesn't mean she won't date you. She may be fine with it but believes she is straight or could be fine with it after thinking over her theology. I was, and still am, christian and I'm okay with dating and having sex with a woman.

    It sounds like you guys need to talk. Even if you're both okay with how things are currently, it's starting to cause turmoil for you. Maybe figure out first what you want and what you're comfortable with in your friendship right now. Even if cuddling was okay before, it might not be now because it's stirring up feelings and desires she can't or wont recipicate. So figure out what are some good boundaries for you. Maybe cuddling with clothes on, maybe no full body massages, maybe its hugs and no cuddles. You might have to make adjustments here and there.

    You might tell her that, "I really enjoy cuddling with you but I'm starting to want more than what you might be comfortable with. If you don't have feelings for me that's okay, but if that is the case I need to pull back on the affection so I won't get into a bad place emotionally or hurt my friendship with you. If you want to date now or in the future, then we can talk about that."

    As much as you can, try not to assume what she wants or feels or thinks. Instead ask her. Ask her what she is comfortable with, if she wants more. Ask her if she would be interested in dating. Ask her about her sexuality. Ask her where she is emotionally in your friendship. If she is exploring or what.

    I would say, you probably need to know what she wants (attention, exploring, love). Then talk about if thats okay with both of you.

    It also might help to get more specific language about your actions. Cuddling can be as innocent as leaning up against someone with your arm around them, this can be platonic. That isn't the same as caressing, fondling, petting, stroking, spooning, etc that might be more like what lovers do. Getting more specific with language can be a good reality check.
     
    #2 Cinnamon Bunny, Dec 13, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2017
  3. HelpLOL

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    Exactly what she said^^
     
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  4. DesireEyes

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  5. MichelleQ

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    @Cinnamon Bunny Thank you for the advice. It's been definitely confusing for me. I ended staying the night at her house again last night. This is the third time since last Friday that we slept at each others houses, and its not like we are in our early 20s or in college. We are both in our late 20's. We have careers, jobs to get to in the morning and yet we do this. Stay up so late together, massaging each others bodies, cuddling, intertwining our bodies till we fall asleep. None of our close friends know we do this and we haven't told anyone we are this intimate.
    I think you're right. I need to keep my clothes on and ask her where she is emotionally in this friendship of ours.
    I love spending time with her and doing anything with her is the best. I don't want to lose what we have. I guess its just hard having these conversations when you don't know her preference or sexuality. especially if shes exploring.
    When you said you were the friend once... what did the other girl do in your situation?
     
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  6. HelpLOL

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    The way you talk, it doesn't feel like "friends". I think she's into you, the only real question is she ok with that. It doesn't have to be some big conversation. Just ask her if she's wants more from your friendship than simply friends. Since she knows your bi she should understand what you mean. If i was an optimistic guy I'd say she sounds pretty open to things progressing, maybe she's just wanting to take it slow.
     
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  7. Cinnamon Bunny

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    These conversations are very hard, but having these conversation is about getting the clarity you need to make relationships smoother. It can really help clear the air and help you both make better choices. Whenever we don't own up to the reality of a situation, we make poor choices.

    I will say, if she's in denial she may not know where she is at emotionally or understand her actions. So you may not get clear answers, but you'll at least know she is confused. If she doesn't know or claims to be totally straight but wants to act like she's not, then keep whatever boundaries you need to guard your heart. If you're fine with exploring with her that's cool, but it's okay if you're not. Take care of yourself. My hope would be eventually she will figure it out, without throwing your heart in the wringer.

    While I might be like your friend, the other girl in my situation is different from you. She didn't know her sexuality and I think was and still is oblivious to her actions/feelings/intentions. So unfortunately, we continued with our obliviousness until I got aroused and she's dealt with it mostly with avoidance and going cold turkey with cuddling. It took a long time before she would talk, but I think she's still running from herself. Fortunately, you know your feelings and sexuality. You don't have to end up in a situation that's more than you can bare or that will make friendship rocky, awkward, or bitter. I know it's really tough, but I think in the end you'll both be in a better place for it.
     
    #7 Cinnamon Bunny, Dec 14, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
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  8. Rana

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    Wow this sounds way more than mere friendship in my opinion. If she knows you're bi, and is comfortable sleeping in underwear with you massaging her, and if this goes on several nights a week, ummm yeah, maybe she likes it. Exploring is one way to put it I guess. Tell her your honest feelings. Seriously, I doubt she will be surprised.
     
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  9. Ruby Dragon

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    I agree with the others - this is more than just friendship. What it is, though, remains a mystery until you have a serious talk about what's going on. I agree that it sounds like she's exploring. Maybe she gets a kick out of seeing how far she can push the envelope. Meaning, how much she will be comfortable with whilst still sticking with her "straight" label. Maybe her religion is preventing her from exploring deeper/more intensely. Who knows? Communication is key in these types of situations.

    Talk to her about your confusion and let her know that, though you thoroughly enjoy it, you'd like to know if things will ever go beyond what has already happened. Please get back to us once you've talked this through with her. Maybe she's just as confused and waiting for you to approach her about it? I hope the friendship/cuddling, etc. remains unchanged but that you will have a better idea of what she's okay with and whether or not it would lead to anything more than friendship. Good luck!
     
  10. MichelleQ

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    Okay so an update....me and my friend went off on atrip together. We ended up getting pretty close and while she was massaging me sensually I ended up kissing her boobs and working my way down her stomach but she stopped me. We talked later that day about it and she said she wanted to be friends and didnt want to mess up my current life and be the person to do that.
    But now it's getting so hard for me not the kiss or touch her.
    I often find my hands stroking/massaging her vagina / inner thighs in bed and she let's me, I give her almost full body massages and stroke her. And she's very generous giving it back. I've also been topless with her countless of times cuddling and she says nothing.
    Even today I was on top of her in bed with not much on and she was massaging my lower back causing my body to grind on her leg making me almost orgasm. She knew it too and kept going. I was so wet through my underwear and it was all over her leg. She just smiled. Im so confused...
     
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  11. Lia444

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    I would be confused too... I know we all have different boundaries for friendships etc but what you two are doing is way beyond friendship in my eyes. I think you need to really talk to her. She’s seems to be happy with what’s happening but you want more by the sounds of it so someone is likely to get hurt if you don’t communicate. Keep us posted.
     
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  12. winnfruit

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    Something strikingly similar happened to me through last year and climaxed (pun intended) last year. Unfortunately, it didn't end well and is all I do now is regret not talking to them at the time. @Lia444 is right, make sure you communicate about what's going on.
     
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  13. SoulSearch

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    That does not sound like "just a friend," and she does not sound straight. Confusion is one thing, but if she's playing with your feelings, that's not fair to you. Talk to her, please. This sounds very confusing and difficult for you.
     
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  14. Hushhh

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    I’d click the laughing emoji if it were possible. this is so weird reading your intimate moments, massaging each other’s private parts lol. I know, I know, we’re all in different stages of life and all. But just talk it out with her, enjoy the moment while it lasts, just know that playing with fire is dangerous,lol. Have Fun and Good luck! And whatever the outcome would be, I’m sure you’ll learn from it, :wink:
     
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  15. Rana

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    I can't blame you for being confused. I truly don't think anyone would alloy this if she wasn't at least curious. I understand she said she wants to be friends but her allowing you to do certain things takes it way beyond mere friendship in my opinion (whether she wants to believe it or not).
    Perhaps she's conflicted...it's not uncommon to feel something but not want to accept it. I don't really know but you're right to be confused...it sounds like she's quite confused about what she feels because her words don't match her actions. I always believe actions speak louder than words. However, if she's unwilling to accept this part about herself...that she might be attracted to women...then I don't know if you can change it.
    I'm sorry you're going through this...it's hard. Wouldn't it be great if you found someone who wanted you the way you want her? I hope you do...I wish this for all of us. Hang in there. ♥
     
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  16. Dodds

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    Yeah I would defo be confused but at same time would love feel thst close wit another female :frowning2:
     
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  17. New2gquest

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    She seems like she’s really confused too. And maybe feeling “guilty”? Since she’s your
    Friend I hope it’s not just that she’s playing. But making an earnest effort to realize and accept who she is.
     
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  18. Delphine

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    Wow... your friend is in deep denial if she still thinks she's straight. I had a very confusing friendship with a girl (my trigger crush) when I was younger and it didn't even involve anything sexual, so I can only imagine how confused you must be feeling about this girl's behavior! I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation ... I hope she'll come clean about her feelings sooner rather than later... keep us updated!
     
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  19. Ardee

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    Did you talk to her @MichelleQ ? Have been wondering whats happened.