Self-sabotage (eating disorders, self harm, etc.)

I can relate to this. You've talked about this stuff out loud, which I can't do - so well done.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice other than therapy - it certainly helped for me because I had no one else worth trusting - but he ended up being a bit weird with some things which waned my trust in him. I've actually only had one experience with a mental health professional that was good (one at a college.)

I suppose what I'm saying is you need someone trustworthy. Do you have anyone around you you can trust and talk to?

 

In order to address the issues with binge eating (and other destructive habits) it might be a good idea to revisit what happened to you early last year, because it seems to have exacerbated the pre-existing mental health problems. After the rape what support, if any, did you receive? Was there an offer of therapy?

It's not clear if the self sabotage began immediately after the rape, or later, but I would suggest there is a link. Is it possible that you are indulging in these destructive habits to numb yourself to the emotional scars of that terrible ordeal last year?

It can take some strength and determination to follow a vegetarian lifestyle. If we have eaten meat on a regular basis for many years it really can be difficult to change our diet and cut it out completely, especially if we are in a bad place emotionally. Good habits often require us to be in a good place and anything that disrupts our emotional wellbeing (like a serious sexual assault) will set us back, so I want to caution you against excessive rumination if/when you lapse. The important thing to remember is that you have cut out meat over the last 12 months, apart from on 5 occasions when you felt particularly upset and vulnerable. So if we put that into perspective, it's 5 times in around 400 days. That's pretty good really, isn't it?

It will be hard to trawl up all of the horrible feelings connected to the rape, but sometimes it is necessary to go back to a bad place (with professional help and support) in order to rebuild and move on to a better, stronger place where we feel empowered and determined again, so if you're not currently working with a therapist I would urge you to begin the process.

 

I'd like to start by saying I'm sorry for what you went through. But you survived it, that's what's important. I can't relate on some of the things that you've been dealing with other than the eating disorder. I know from experience that that is a coping mechanism. I also know that it can become an addiction that you struggle with long after you've dealt with trauma. The best advice I can give is to do whatever you can to stop now. See a therapist if you can, if not try journaling or talking to someone you trust. Please take care of yourself. We're all here for you but it's very important that you have people in real life to lean on.
It's going to be hard but eventually you'll get to a place where you don't need unhealthy habits anymore.
You're strong and you are loved. Try to get help.

 

I’ve struggled with self harm in a lot of forms in the past (cutting, drugs, etc. etc.) and still do, in some forms of it, so I can relate. It looks like the meat eating is a form of self punishment for you. Now you need to figure out why you feel the need to hurt/punish yourself, and how to develop better coping methods. Therapy can be really helpful, if you have access to it. In any case, you don’t deserve any of it - what you’ve been through in the past and what you’re going through now. Take care.