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Self-Harm Help?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Bobsleigh1, Oct 19, 2016.

  1. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    'Kay, so i have a few questions that need answering and this is the only place i can ask...

    Does this even count as self-harm?
    It's only small cuts in larger numbers on my ankle and foot. I use an old razor but i don't take out the blades so it's difficult to make deeper cuts with and they only bleed for a couple minutes. It stings like a bitch, but it's really not that bad. It doesn't really seem to leave proper scars either but, then again, i've only ever left it for a couple weeks before cutting it up again and that's not very often or long so maybe i just haven't seen it at that stage???
    I say that the cuts are small but i do worry that i'll someday be cutting deeper. I know i really want to try using something sharper but i've been ignoring the thought for a while so maybe i can just keep ignoring it???
    I'm just rambling now... Is this a stupid question anyway? I just don't really fully consider myself as someone who is self-harming. Should i? I just feel too positively about my cuts to think that way. Is that normal at all?

    Was the ankle and foot a bad place to pick?
    Like, do people usually cut on their arms because it's safer or just convenience? I chose to start on my ankle so that i could cover it easily with a sock, it seemed the easiest to hide it, but is it more dangerous or anything? Is the skin thinner there or something, i don't know...??? I don't know why it would be, i'm kind of just panicking now.

    How should i be cleaning the wounds?
    Currently, i simply rinse them with cold water, use tissue to dry them, and then put antiseptic cream on it and wait for it to stop stinging. Is this enough? I don't feel like i'm doing enough but, at the same time, they're just tiny cuts, do they really need all the attention in the world?? I've never really thought this much about how i clean them, but now i've put all these bad scenarios in my head and now i'm more concerned than ever, especially with my recent cuts taking so long to stop stinging. Is that a bad sign or anything?? Are there bad signs?? ~Signs of infection or anything??? But maybe i'm just overreacting.

    And, there's probably no helping this one but i'm kind of panicking about it...
    How do i keep them covered? Specifically in a swimming situation.
    As i said earlier, the scars don't seem like they'll be that bad but i think they will be noticeable if looked at for too long, based on what i've seen of the scarring. And no one really looks at a person's foot, right? But i really do think they'll notice... My Dad noticed once; i'd let my whole family in my room to talk about something we were planning on doing that weekend or something but i forgot to put socks on before opening the door. Everyone saw after my Dad pointed it out, and i just froze and said "it's nothing" and "i don't know" with every question they asked me. I got away with it though because this happened back when the wounds were just in a small patch on my ankle. They weren't scabbed or bleeding, just sore, healing and red, so they passed off as "just absent-minded nail-scratching" as suggested aloud by my Dad's theorizing. I certainly don't want to be in that situation ever again, but i don't see how it's avoidable when swimming.
    Basically, yesterday, i went into my parent's room and found my Mum looking at holiday cottages. And we never book cottages without pools. She showed me the photos of the pool online and i know my siblings would love it, it's huge, the holiday itself would be great for everyone, we're all openly sick of being at home all the time right now, i know i am anyway. But i don't want to ruin it by starting any drama.
    And by "drama" i mean like "Oh, what's up with your foot?" "Surprise, i cut myself"
    Like, i've wanted a chance to say how shitty i've been feeling for so long, but not if it'll fuck up a happy time.
    If i wore socks they'd notice, i could probably also only do that once by saying "oops, i forgot to take them off" i definitely couldn't just repeat that everyday for the whole holiday. There's really no other options that i can see though. I can't just not swim though, firstly because i want to join the others in it since we haven't had a holiday for so long, and secondly because they'd think they'd done something wrong or feel guilty if i didn't join them.

    I'm really panicking. I can feel my heart trying to jump out my chest.
    I've ignoring all these possibilities for so long, and now they've all piled up on me in one hit. I should be asleep right now, but i just can't with these thoughts.
    Got any advice?
     
  2. JustABisexual

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    Okay, wow, I kind of just want to give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay. Any kind of harm to yourself counts as self harm, whether it is biting, cutting or burning (for example), the Point still stands: harm to yourself is self-harm.

    I understand your reasoning to cut on the foot but that doesn't mean it is any better to cut. I wouldn't say it is a bad place but the wrist/ inner arm isn't any better better. Any part of your body that veins are visible are sensitive and you should take precautions around.

    I'm happy that you realise that you do have to keep them clean ^~^ I would say the antiseptic cream is fine enough but if you ever see the scab as a yellow and the skin around it is pink, that suggests infections so you would need to get that sorted out. Instead of tissue, use a cloth or towel and dab at the wound instead of wiping. The tissue may roll up and insert itself into the wound and if you are unable to use a towel, just be careful with the tissue and to make sure to dab as you dry, not wipe.

    Maybe challenging yourself to not cut in the upcoming weeks to the holiday and the holiday itself is a good idea. First of all, you will have nothing to cover up and if there are scars from previous cuts you can say that they are from the previous injuries that you'r Dad saw previously. Secondly, if you are scared of doing it deeper, this will show you that you are able to manage without harming and you will be less likely to cut: that is what I did :slight_smile: Cutting with old blades is never a good idea; they may have rust or bacteria on them that will cause a variety of problems worse than the cut itself.

    Lastly, I am really sorry that you feel that this is the only way out. I would suggest ranting on here about your issues instead of taking them out on yourself may be a good idea. Also, looking at leaflets and websites that help you be in control of the problems better so you arent going to cut. If you have a close friend that you know you can trust, I would suggest talking to them about how you feel, it may be good to receive verbal and physical comfort :slight_smile:
     
  3. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Thank you for the reply!
    Okay, I'll take on all your advice, but, although you shouldn't feel obliged to reply again if you read this, there are some things I'm still concerned about...
    Firstly, i guess I can use a towel to dab them if it would be better for the wounds but I feel like that would likely stain the towel with blood, and I don't really want to leave any possible evidence behind...
    Secondly, If there are still visible scars at the point of the holiday, I don't think that what my foot is now would pass off as that small patch of soreness that my Dad had seen back then, I doubt any of my family even remembers seeing it, but I'll definitely try to keep off of cutting on the run up to the holiday if it'll help them to be less visible.
    Then there's the problem of using an old blade. It's probably also a bad thing that it's my sister's old razor, right? Since it probably had her blood on it too on occasion... which I think is bad??? I'll likely be cutting very infrequently after your advice to try let these cuts scar up to blend in, but I don't feel like stopping forever.... which I know is bad, but I really feel like I still need to cut, it's comforting to me... A break for the holiday's sake however should be a little easier to achieve. But, yeah, if/when I cut again after the holiday, my only option is that blade really. This one is really easy to use and I'm scared to try other blades at the moment...
    And, lastly, I can't talk to anyone about it. I can certainly vent online, but I can't tell anyone. Even if I did, I don't think it would amount to much anyway, I don't think I'd be taken seriously and, even if I was listened to, no one could/would do anything.
    But it does help venting here, and you've really helped calm me down, so thank you.
    ^u^
     
    #3 Bobsleigh1, Oct 19, 2016
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  4. ABeautifulMind

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    Have you ever tried other coping methods? Cutting it just a release of endorphins in the brain. There are other ways to get the same sort of release without harming yourself... My favorite is working out. Just so you know, if you do keep cutting, it will eventually take more and more to get the same release you are craving now.... meaning you will have to cut yourself worse and worse as time goes on...

    I know cutting can seem like a great bandaid, with little to no consequences (when no one notices that is) but it is just like any other harmful addiction. It starts out innocent enough and develops into a major problem.

    My typical advice with cutting is to talk to your parents, despite how embarrassing it will be for you. By the way you are talking, this is not something you seem to think needs fixing... That in and of itself is VERY problematic. Self harm makes you more likely to attempt suicide, something else you may struggle with more severely if you continue self harming...

    You are not taking you issue with self harm seriously enough. I would suggest reassessing your situation, you should consider talking to your parents... They love you and only want what is best for you, even when you make little "mistakes" like this. Trust me, they would much rather deal with this, than you taking it too far and committing suicide. You may think that sounds impossible I guess, or more likely I think, you realize in the back of your head that I am unfortunately right. Talk to your parents. They would rather help you than leave you hurting. And if your self harming, you are OBVIOUSLY hurting.
     
    #4 ABeautifulMind, Oct 19, 2016
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  5. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    I do have other methods of coping, either i carve scratches into my wooden desk with an old hair-clip or i cut strips of paper into smaller squares. Both are a bit odd and they aren't exactly hobbies or anything like most people's methods, but they help. Having both of these methods definitely makes it easier for me to take breaks with cutting, hence the break i'm putting myself on now.

    I get that it'll likely get worse, not necessarily just due to it eventually not feeling as relieving as it does now but also just as i get more confident with a blade as well, but i really don't see how cutting alone could indefinitely lead to suicide. It may mean i can more confidently injure myself, which, yes, could aid in a suicide attempt, but, in my case, I'm certainly not confident enough to commit right now. Not for a few decades at least...

    My concern with telling my parents definitely isn't to do with embarrassment. It's more or less just that i don't think they'd do anything about it.
    My parents have this attitude towards their kids' problems that makes them difficult to rely on; Any time I've attempted to tell them something like this (e.g. insomnia, things as simple as feeling ill, etc.) they'd shoot back "well, what do you want me to do about it?" and, if i can't answer that question exactly, then they'll tell me that they can't do anything for me. They don't mean to be unhelpful, i know they love me and my siblings, but they really don't like it when it's implied that they've done a bad job at something; in this case, they'll think they've done a bad job at parenting, they'd get angry at me.
    Also, my parents are busy dealing with other things. My brother is at university and needs help learning how to pay bills and all that, and my sister is constantly complaining to our parents about school, they're also trying to get her to a university but she's very indecisive.
    An important note is that my sister is constantly joking about how she "wants to die" when she's got a lot of homework to be doing (it is kind of hard for me to hear that from someone who doesn't actually feel that way but it's only harmless joking), it's kind of an inside joke now, which seems to have kind of numbed my parents to the statement's actual meaning.
    And, if you hadn't figured it out already, i'm the youngest in the family. "The kid" of the family. They won't take me seriously.
    I'm homeschooled when everyone else is going outside to work, so they see my life as easy and my problems as trivial. What they don't realise is how trapped i feel to see the same walls every day without any freedom or rights to leave and at the same time not have any friends from a school to talk to about it. At least they have stories from a new day to tell. My stories would be the same plot-line every time... I definitely don't regret becoming home-schooled though; i know i'd hate school, i don't have the motivation, concentration or brains that my siblings have, i would suck at it and i'm bad at socialising so i'd likely still be alone.
    Sorry for venting at you. All that context likely wasn't necessary, but it feels good to put it out there so feel free to ignore it.

    In a nutshell, no, i can't tell my parents. I'm too cynical for fixing anyway.
    I just feel like i'm either out of options or i don't have the freedom to choose another option. I can really only live with things how they are and try to cope until i'm able to... to move out and continue pretending i don't exist or commit, i guess. But i doubt i'll even get to have that happen...
    Which is why i need self-harm right now.
    ...
    This was just shameless rambling. You don't have to reply to this.
     
    #5 Bobsleigh1, Oct 19, 2016
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  6. JustABisexual

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    I'm sorry that isn't reply sooner!

    I understand why you wouldn't want to use a towel but really you should focus on your health more than anything so maybe getting a dark coloured towel and storing it somewhere that your parents won't find it nor will your siblings then maybe you can then use a towel.
    That kind of implies that you have cut really bad ;-; Small cuts tend to heal a lot better if you don't play with them and let them heal properly. From previously experience, small cuts always healed without scarring
    . Thank you for taking my advice on cutting less! ^_^ It makes me really happy to know that you would be cutting less than before!
    It isn't a bad thing that you are using your sisters razor!! It will have all of her blood and skin particles and bacteria on it! I understand why you feel like you can't stop forever, but trust me, -5 some point you will and at that point I know that I would be really proud of you ^-^ I really would suggest finding a blade that hasn't been tainted by others but not exactly a blade that is sharp enough to make clean cuts as they are more likely to be deeper 0-0
    You can always talk to me about it! No one writes on my wall so that is pretty much all I can offer right now because I am not a full member so we can't private message >~> I am sure there are a lot of people out there would take you seriously. Everything you have spoken about is kinda serious so don't doubt that you won't be taken seriously <3
    I'm glad to know that I calmed you down a little bit! ^u^
     
  7. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    It's perfectly fine, I actually thought you replied quite quickly! ^u^
    That's true, i could keep the towel in my room or something if it got stained, i never thought of that. We have a few spare flannels in the bathroom, one is even a dark pink so the colour of blood would blend in, i could use that!
    Yeah, hopefully they'll be a day when i feel like i don't need to cut in order to cope. It likely won't be very soon but hopefully one day. And knowing that someone would be proud of me for it is honestly quite inspiring. 'u'
    I guess i could have a look for a different blade, i just don't think i really have any others... I'll definitely try to keep my current blade as clean as possible if i fail to find another one though.
    Thank you so much! 'u'
     
  8. ABeautifulMind

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    Hey man, I can understand where you are coming from... I used to self harm, I was previously home schooled, and I was extremely socially awkward as a kid...

    I have AS so I am probably more awkward than you now, I was almost certainly more awkward as a child :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    But my homeschooling was probably much shorter... Only a year before I was sent to private school for a couple years and then back to public.

    Just explaining that background to kind of give some credibility to my statements, I sort of went through some similar things :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    First of all, the first thing I can remember talking to my therapist about when I finally got sent to therapy was the fact that to me, it felt like cutting was not a problem, but rather was a solution to the problems. Im sure that is how you feel as well based on your statements. I have already pointed out some of the issues with this, especially regarding the increased amount. This is not because you get more comfortable with a blade, it will be because the you will develop a tolerance to endorphins and it can cause you to need more to be released causing you to cut more. So if you think on top of that you will cut more because you are better with a blade then you could be in real trouble..

    You are 14 years old, trapped in a house, with little to no control over your surroundings. It is normal to dislike this. When you get older things will be different. I am not sure whether you are out to your family or not. if not, when you can leave home you will be in a much better spot. If you are, just getting the freedom and control will help.

    Suicide is not the answer. Not now. Not later. Not until you are terminally ill and in pain. Otherwise it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...

    Which brings me to my next point, dont do drugs. Im kidding, my next point is your parents indifference. I find it hard to believe that you coming to them and telling them you started cutting and need some help, that they would be that indifferent. BUT if they did, when they ask what you want them to do, tell them you want help getting into therapy. That is what helped me.

    Those coping methods you mentioned are fine, but you need to expand them to something that will release some chems in your brain... listening to music... working out... playing music... running... hitting a boxing bag... something... The way you try to really stop cutting is exactly what you are planning on doing before holidays... a forced break you extend indefinitely... Treatment is 2 pronged. Developing new coping methods, and getting help with the problems causing you emotional distress...

    Which actually brings me to my next point, dont do drugs... I know, im kidding... but seriously, you have already laid out some information on here about your emotional distress regarding your parents. Im gonna tell you the same thing I told the last kid with a similar story. The more information you put on here, the more it will help you. It gives us more info to work with as far as trying to empathize with you and give you support/advice.. PLUS it lets you vent your problems and get them off your chest. In other words, dont worry about long posts, they are more helpful... So while I would suggest trying to get into therapy, posting here is a good start...

    So I guess I will close with 2 things... First of all, can you post some info about what happened the first time you ever cut? what some typical triggers are? what your homelife is like, especially with your parents? And secondly there is another home schooled teenager here that is going through a lot of the same stuff with cutting and stuff, I am going to link him here and maybe he will come and post something... No promises though, depends on if he has time...

    No matter what, you should definitely keep posting here... It really can help :wink:
     
  9. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Yeah, i've been in homeschooling for about six years now and likely won't be going back to school any time soon. Or ever for that matter.

    I don't feel particularly strongly about self harm being some kind of "solution". I'm well aware that, in reality, it helps nothing. I simply enjoy cutting when i feel like shit and i like having the wounds to keep track of as they heal a little each day and i like having the scars in the end. Unless i cut almost daily, then i don't get to see the scars i guess. But either way it's a great pass-time with all the spare time i have left over to boredom and a great distraction from all the thoughts i cant stop having during that boredom.

    I get that it's "normal to dislike this", but things won't "be different when i'm older".
    It's not like i'll be able to just move out immediately as i hit a certain age, i'll have to work for that and i'm way too shy and awkward to work no matter how much i want to. There likely wouldn't even be any actual jobs around here, i live a tiny village with a post office and a cramped supermarket and that's about it. I could deliver some papers around but, from my brother's experience with that job, it's terrible and long and certainly can't get you a house. Which is really what i need. It's not that my family is terrible (although, yes, my parents are just more outdated bigots... Self-proclaimed "allies" for LGBT+ who don't even know the word "Ally" to refer to such and who stutter at the word "gay" because their worried that their kids will "pick it up"... It's the same for things like race as well... There's a lot of their views that i disagree with and that definitely sparks some things...), but i can't even talk to them without stuttering.... I need to be somewhere else, every day is just a wait until i can leave. Picking my sister up from school is the only thing i look forward to every day because we get to drive past the fields and countryside and i can just sit and think with nor being judged and told to do something else or having thoughts that i can't get rid of. After that, there's nothing really. So, i wait for the next "event" of the day, dinner. Then after that, i'm waiting until everyone goes to bed so i can listen to music for hours without people hearing it through the door. I'm always bloody waiting...

    No, i'm not out to my family. Me and my sister talk about LGBT+ topics occasionally though. But, no, i won't be getting freedom and control any time soon. The reason i'm cutting and the reason i feel worthless is because i'm sick of waiting to have "freedom and control" when all i'm really doing is wasting my childhood. But i have no other option, i can't just be happy and i can't just stop feeling like i'm wasting my time. Because i'm not happy and i can't do anything else.
    Also, please don't remind me that i'm fourteen... It's not that i don't like being a kid, i just don't like being reminded of just how much longer this wait is going to be before i do anything with my life.

    No, suicide isn't "the answer" to anything. I know. But i genuinely struggle to picture myself past the age of thirty and that's a fact.
    But i do have the hope that by that time i'll perhaps have a therapist... but i don't see any help in that.

    Everybody would find that hard to believe, even i find it hard to believe, and that's because, no, they won't be indifferent; They'll be angry. They know nothing about self-harm, they're in that mindset whereby people who self-harm are just teenagers and attention whores. You're assuming that they're like you or anyone else on this site, but they're not. They fully disrespect self-harm. Even my sister (Who is the only one i can really talk to without freezing, habitually hiding my face and making someone feel guilty and awkward...) talks about self-harming like it's a joke, saying things like "Ha, well, i'm hardly going to start slitting my wrists over it" and "Ugh, why would you self-harm is not just for attention??", both actual quotes from her.
    If i told them i self-harm they wouldn't try to help me, they wouldn't assume it necessary because they know nothing of it despite thinking they do, they would assume i was "attention seeking". Which just makes me feel guilty for cutting, especially when yes i do sometimes wish that someone would just notice that i cover my feet to a suspicious extent just so that it could start a conversation about how i feel because i suck at explaining my feelings to everyone and when i try to it just comes out a jumbled mess and i always, without a doubt, regret it. Because nothing gets done to help.
    I doubt they'd even ask me what i want them to do, they wouldn't see a need to ask, they'd just think even more poorly of me.
    Even if they did ask though, i wouldn't say "a therapist". I feel guilty enough wasting the money that i do already, i'm not going to make them get that when i myself am too cynical to believe that a therapist could help. I just don't see how someone can make you stop wanting to die. It's not that i believe i'm at some high level of suicidalness in comparison to others, i just feel like everybody feels like this and it's not something you can just stop a person from thinking about with some talking and some meds.

    I already listen to music a lot... That tends to just be to pass time though. I spend hours and hours a day just listening to music, it's really all i have, so it wouldn't be particularly special to listen to it instead of cutting. It would just feel like i was doing nothing to try to feel relieved.
    I don't really have the ability to develop any of those coping methods and most others take a lot of motivation and genuine passion for the subject to do. I used to draw all the time, but i just lost passion in it, it wasn't fun anymore, now i only doodle occasionally to attempt to keep the one skill i have... but it's empty.
    And there's really no "getting help with the problems causing [me] emotional distress".
    A lot of it just can't be helped. There's my gender, my sexuality, my clasutraphobia of my own home, my pointlessness, my inability to speak to my own parents without fear, my literal shame to show my face, and just a general, unstoppable, unexplainable, back-of-the-mind feeling of "i hate this". I just don't feel happy, and not having physical examples (like huge events in my life, etc.) to be able to explain it is really making me feel like maybe i don't deserve to complain. There's been a few times recently when i've gone to my parents to try to get something helped (mainly insomnia) and, in a very basic form, i pretty much get a "well, welcome to my world, kid" response. I come to them to solve problems, i trust them to help me, and then they just turn everything i say onto them to make their lives seem harder than mine.
    It really makes me feel like maybe my life is just easy and maybe i am just being a spoiled brat about it. It makes me feel guilty to complain and then i try to solve things with my brain myself but can't explain why i feel so bad, which makes me think that maybe there isn't a real reason and that i'm just blowing up the smaller problems that i listed earlier and that maybe everyone has those problems too... I feel guilty posting here about it. Wat if there's nothing wrong and i'm making people try to help me for nothing...

    I can't put all my information online...
    You mean what caused me to cut the first time??? I can't fully remember but, i think I'd already been thinking about self harm for a while, i had this gut feeling that someday i was going to end up cutting anyway so i had a kind of "may as well try it now rather than wait until i'm desperate for help and end up going too far with it" attitude about it already, but wouldn't do it without full and explainable reason. That would be pointless.
    Then, during this time of considering it, i just had a particularly bad day, felt too shitty to sleep and so i finally tried it. I only got one drop of blood, i was extremely gentle and scared with the blade, but i felt kind of proud of cutting which i guess is the main fuel that i get from it... It makes me feel like i've achieved something, kind of brave, which is a pleasant change. Then, afterwards, if i ever had any negative thoughts, i'd kind of admire the tiny cut and i'd, again, feel proud. I actually let that one fully scar over before i ended up cutting again, the second time was mainly because my old cut was too light to see and so i didn't have anything to feel proud for when i felt sad and i wanted that back. I let that one heal as well... it was only later on that cutting started to become more frequent and in larger numbers of cuts and more blood. The third time was just a day when i was feeling extremely unlucky and guilty over everything that'd happened recently; Firstly, for weeks i'd felt like things were just happening in a good-bad-good-bad pattern, something nice would happen and then something bad would immediately follow... It honestly made me afraid of good things... Then there was that situation of my parents having promised me a lock for my door (which was very important to me because it would help me to be able relax in my own room rather than being constantly paranoid of what i was doing, how i was sitting, what songs i was listening to so that no one would burst in and end up judging me. Every noise i heard outside my door made me jump because i thought someone was coming in, which shouldn't be too bad but it really affected me physically. With every jump i would feel so much panic and fear, i hated it and knew for a many years that a lock, like the ones that every one else in this house had and was somehow more deserving of than me, would solve so much of my paranoia but i was refused every time because i "couldn't be trusted" with a lock for some reason...) but for weeks they had been saying "yes, we'll get you one at the weekend" and every time they'd come back saying "We forgot, you should've written it down on a note for us" or "The store was closed" so i felt like they were either just fucking with me for whatever reason or they regretted telling me that i could finally have the bloody cure to my every day paranoia and anxiety because i "couldn't be trusted" despite knowing the reason i desperately wanted a lock... Eventually there came a day when all five of us went out to a mall to buy some things and, on that "family trip", i begged my parents to get me one... But, on that same trip... every bloody thing went wrong.... Basically my sister wanted to buy something but my parents refused to get it for her, i defended her due to how cheap it was but they still refused. Quite reasonable of them really. But then, later on, in another store, basically, my Mum thought my sister was "sulking" about it and that she had ignored her when she said something when in reality my sister simply hadn't heard so my Mum decided to start some huge thing in the middle of a mall. My Dad sided with his wife despite it clearly just being a huge misunderstanding (he's bias ad shit when it comes to her irrational fits of anger towards her children...), my brother just seemed to stay out of it, and, no matter how much we apologised or tried to explain, we would be shouted at. I honestly didn't even have to get involved but i felt somewhat responsible for Mum thinking my sister was sulking because i defended her in buying that thing so i wanted to try get them to apologise or at least explain the situation but Mum nor Dad wouldn't listen no matter how much i just gave the actuality of the misunderstanding to them. I'm going to try to summarise the rest but i'm going to fail; Mum cried in the car on the way home (not sure if anyone else noticed from the back seats) which made me feel even guiltier, and nobody spoke to eachother when we got back home apart from a few awkward spits of small talk when people happened to run into eachother. And I just felt responsible for it all...
    I was actually looking forward to going out that day for days... I hadn't left the house for weeks and needed to taste fresh air again and thought maybe we could buy some cool things along the way...
    But i still had my lock, right...? Wrong. Turns out the lock wouldn't fit the chunk of wood that had already been carved out for it in my door-frame from my brother's old lock back when he used to have this tiny room. My Dad stopped trying to put that lock on my door and took the dog out for a walk for a break. Supposedly he'd be back afterwards to try again with the lock.
    I was busy being about to cry about the possibility that Dad was just lying about it not fitting so that i wouldn't have a lock when my Mum violently opened my door (jumping me, fittingly) to call me to a "family meeting". At this gathering of the four of us left at home whilst our Dad walked the dog, Mum told us that our Dad was possibly going to lose his job and likely wouldn't be getting the new job he'd hoped for. That's why they wouldn't let my sister buy what she wanted. More guilt for defending my sister, but also fear of what would happen if Dad did lose his job and couldn't get another.
    I cut multiple times and confidently for the first time whilst my Dad was out and i soon stopped when i heard him return home, remembering that he said he'd try my lock again when he got back.
    He actually succeeded in fitting the lock into my door by carving out a new space for it elsewhere on the door-frame. I felt so relieved. Then i looked at my ankle again to check how it was scabbing and felt so proud. But i was still scared for Dad's job.
    But, just the following day, Dad got a phone call telling him that he'd got the new job.
    I felt so glad, i kind of thanked the cuts on my ankle and now it's kind of a lucky thing to self-harm. Self-harming feels not only extremely relieving but also like it'll bring good in the future because of that. I know it won't, i know that sound stupid, but it really helps.
    I was actually very paranoid about it for a long time, i thought that if i didn't self- harm after something good happened then something bad and much worse than self-harm would happen in its place, like that same kind of good-bad-good-bad pattern i'd mentioned earlier but with control over what exactly the bad was.
    I felt like i was doing something good by self-harming.
    I'm not paranoid about it like that anymore, there has been plenty of times when i'd self-harm and then something bad would still happen, messing up the pattern i'd grown so comfortable with. I know that self-harm does nothing like that for anyone... But it still makes me feel proud and stops me from thinking too much.
    I feel like that kind of answers your questions in itself and i've spent a lot of your time so i'm going to shut up now.:confused:
     
    #9 Bobsleigh1, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 20, 2016
  10. ABeautifulMind

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    Do you like homeschooling? Have you ever considered asking to go back to public school? If you never ask they may not think you want to...

    I know public school can be intimidating but it is not as bad as it seems from the outside... It was an improvement over home or private schooling to me...

    So you seem to be describing some sort of cognitive dissonance.. You are saying both that you know cutting does nothing to help you (not technically true) and that you feel like it influences things like your luck, bad events, etc... But you consciously acknowledge that this can not be true... Now I am not positive about this, because I am not a professional, but it seems to me you have subconsciously developed a pattern of good feelings immediately following the cutting... leading you to that feeling that things either improve or remain good when you cut. I would argue that is the effect of the endorphins releasing that "runners high" effect... You may not have realize it was happening, and therefore had an even more profound impact... Basically you didnt know the cutting was physically affecting your brain so you thought it was affecting someting external to help maintain your mood.. IDK if that makes sense or not, but that is the first thought that came to mind while reading your post... I never felt that cutting influenced my luck, by I immediately noticed my improved mood... I have Aspberger's though and so I was also getting help with my emotional intelligence to help with my anxiety at the time. I was constantly assessing my emotional state when I was that age. So for me it was easier to notice..

    That is how I felt overall, but now to comment on individual points throughout:

    You cant know what the future holds as far as things getting better. I felt the exact same way as some little queer boy who was cutting himself, couldnt articulate my emotions at all even to my family, couldnt pick up on any sort of social cues, barely able to talk to more than one person at a time, consistently feeling like a complete disappointment for being the only one of my siblings to that point to need any sort of mental health help.... I had a lot of problems growing up, and I honestly never thought they would get better... I had every reason to believe that considering my AS is not something that is gonna go away... But my life is infinitely better now than it was 20 years ago, better than it was 15 years ago, in fact it has pretty much been getting consistently better since getting the help I needed... When I started therapy I had the same skepticism.. I was a smart little kid. They ran some diagnostic tests on me and in the process determined I have a 164 IQ, and I honestly was already deciding that any help I can get talking to someone I should be able to reason out on my own. But I was desperate enough to give it a shot... within a few months I went from cutting daily, usually multiple times, to Only about once a week, within the first idk.... 6 months maybe, it was down to a few times a year.... Then it got to where there were years between occurrences, basically only happening a few times throughout my teenage years, when things got too stressful or my anxiety was too bad... I am explaining all of that to say that not only can therapy really help a lot, but that no matter how smart you are, no matter how hopeless you feel, no matter how desperate you are, you can still be helped by therapy, because I was all of the above... Life can get better. But only if you try. Einstein said the definition of insanity is repeating the same process expecting different results. You may have some problems like everyone does, but I dont think you are insane. The problem is, you are in a pattern/habit that you have to break. I think the solution would be therapy...

    On to the other point about not getting freedom when you turn 18, Im not yet at a point of being able to fully understand what your home life is like, but if it is truly bad, you have the nuclear option of a LGBT youth shelter... I have been looking into them recently to help someone else out and they have a lot of programs for people under 21... Several programs focused on getting youth trained, employed, and self sufficient... There is also the peace corps when you get older... I wouldnt recommend the military, AT ALL, but it is technically another option... And lastly, your still young, pick a hobby that can pay off... Force yourself until you enjoy it... For example computer programming... You dont have to take a class in these things, they have tutorial videos, textbooks, all sorts of information available online... Maybe consider graphic design or computer aided drafting... If you dont like computers you could try to expand that art work into a tattoo hobby... tattooing can make pretty good money... And considering your still somewhat young, you can get really good in the time you have before your old enough to move out amicably.... That is just a few ideas with what limited info I have about you... I am sure you have other options as well....

    Perhaps you should consider doing some research about self harm, because I dont think you fully understand exactly what is happening when you do it... If you did, it is not hard to explain away most of the stereotypes about self harm...

    For example that you do it for attention... You probably even believe you did, but the thing is, I knew when I did it as a cry for help because it was the only time I ever made it visible to anyone no matter what I did... Every other time it was discreet cuts where they were covered by boxers, the least amount of clothing I was ever seen in... That was when I ended up in therapy for it for the first time. But before that I had been cutting for probably... almost a year maybe... I cant remember real well how long it was, but I remember I never made it noticeable at all... Even when I did, I didnt consciously realize thats what it was until I was in therapy a couple months later discussing it... So while sometimes there can be an element, sometimes even completely subconsciously, of attention seeking, but not in the sense of look at me, but more in the sense of please help me... It is the sort of attention seeking that actually needs attention, when people are being discouraged from seeking help and resort to self harming... The way you can tell if it is someone looking for attention, or someone who genuinely needs attention, is how many times did they cut before they were caught... The longer that time is, the more likely they need attention... Obviously that is just a generalization, and doesnt hold for all cases, but I think it is a safe bet that it applies in a majority of cases....

    You might consider finding something like a movie or tv show that discusses it from an objective point of view... One example is House... There was a time when he fucked up his hand and he wouldnt put it in a cast because he wanted the ability to hit it on the wall to get an endorphin release if he needed to later... Watch that with them, and when it sort of explains what happens, specifically point it out and ask them if they knew that... Ignorance is usually the problem... Anyone who thinks hard drugs can damage how you think and leave you with addiction problems, should be able to understand the physiological effects of cutting...

    I would hope our parents could be talked to as is, but at the very least if you educated them a little, then I am sure they would come around. If you did decide to tell them it seems like your biggest concern is that they will see it as you looking for attention on a whim... I think that sounds sort of like your anxiety getting away from you, remember an anxious imagination can bring up far worse outcomes than what reality usually delivers... But lets say they respond like that... Tell them it is not true, and if it was, would you have been cutting for as long as you have been without them even noticing. Tell them you have gotten to the point where you do it so much it is worrying you... so now you are trying to reach out for some help with it... I know you dont want to talk to your parents, and your fears are the same everyone who goes through this thinks about, but it usually doesnt happen like that... It really is not as bad as it seems.... I never even told my parents technically, they saw the non-discreet cut on my forearm... Then they questioned me until I spit it out.... So idk, I guess it is better put I didnt choose to tell them...

    That pride you felt, I think maybe it is also an effect of the endorphins... I know it can be hard to believe how much chemicals in our brain can affect how we think, what we think, how we feel, and what we feel.... But cocaine for example, its effects are more dependency (from dopamine), feelings of confidence (from serotonin), and energy (from norepinephrine). But cocaine just increases the concentration of those chemicals (neurotransmitters) thereby achieving that outcome... Cutting using a similar mechanism except it is your bodies natural survival instinct/defenses... We evolved to release those chemicals so that if we get injured, our brain releases them in hopes we can escape the danger to safety before having to address the injury... It is a temporary bandaid for pain from injuries... The only difference is, people who self harm are using it for emotional pain... Same exact idea though... We cause physical pain to release that endorphin rush to treat our emotional pain...

    The lock on your door is completely understandable, I would want one as well... Im glad to hear they got that done at least.... But you said something that stands out to me... you spoke somewhat differently about the cutting experience when you said you "cut mutiple times and confidently for the first time." But it is not just what you said there, it is also how you seemed so proud about it that time specifically, believing it is the basis behind your belief in self harm and good luck going together... I might argue that when you "cut confidently" that time, it released more endorphins than usual. I would bet you went deeper, or caused more pain than usual, and it was your first "true" cutting experience... I dont mean to sound as if I am dismissing the rest of them, but this one specifically was significant enough that you developed a sort of pride about it... I would argue that feeling of pride was your mistaken perception of released endorphins... While you thought it was pride, in reality I might argue it was just the effect of endorphins making you feel good... I could be way off here, as I said, im not a professional, these are just some friendly observations... But if you think back to that time, I would bet it was not only the most "damage" you had done before that, but it was also in the shortest timetable, and with the most anxiety/emotional distress being relieved... Leading you to associate all that positive change with something YOU did, something YOU had control of, and THAT gave you the pride.... Not that you were proud of the cuts, but proud of the fact you found a way to control how you feel... That "power" has caused your "pride" in cutting to increase as your perceived control increases... But I want to point out that the exact same feeling often accompanies other activities like working out... And working out can actually give you a sense of pride and accomplishment... Plus you would be getting in better health, and every study shows that working out and living a healthier lifestyle is one of the best ways to improve mental health..

    You might also have a small case of OCD... your strong association between your mood and perceived patterns sounds suspicious, but I am not sure at all, just taking a shot i the dark as a non professional...

    This got pretty long and I think I touched on everything... If I left something out feel free to point it out, but otherwise I think I addressed them all...So I am going to end it here, but please feel free to keep posting and I will keep responding as long as you do... As I said before, posting here can be very helpful...

    It gets better :wink:
     
    #10 ABeautifulMind, Oct 20, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2016
  11. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Yes, definitely. I mean, homeschooling has its downsides (obviously) but my time in school was much worse... I used to stay up all night crying as loud as i could to wake my parents because i couldn't sleep knowing i had to go to school the next day... I think that's partly where my sleep problems come from as well. Every day was just me waiting for the weekend to come or for the school day to end... I'm always bloody waiting it seems... I always tried to hide under the dining table in the mornings so that they couldn't take me to school, we were always late and i always cried which gave me a bad reputation with the teachers... The teachers hated me. I get that if i went back then it'd be a new school with new teachers, but i know what school i'd end up at and, although it's slightly fascinating to see where my siblings spent so much time, whenever i step foot in that school (Parents evenings etc.) i feel scared.
    Plus, i really don't have any motivation for education, my homeschooling is very tame and i don't even have to have my teacher (My mother technically) with me to do the work. I'm not very academic and i don't really want to be either...

    My situation isn't that bad. Trust me, my parents try. We aren't the most compatible, that's true, but it's mainly just me, feeling bad. Which is why i feel guilty reaching out, it really doesn't feel like i'm worth anyone's time, i don't have any real events or re-occurring things in my life that are obviously bad so i don't have any physical reason to feel the way i do, i just feel empty, i'm probably just being childish. And I'd likely be wasting someone's time if i went to a shelter too.

    I really doubt that i'll be telling my parents even if i could "educate" them (which i can't, this whole family infamously stubborn...), or anyone, anything any time soon. If i screw up an they find out, then so be it, but i'm not telling them... Their busy with real, physical things that are probably more impactful than my petty mental problems and cynical mentality.
    The indiscreet cut thing was clever... But i'm not going to be telling them or letting them see anything.

    The chemical stuff kind of just goes over my head most of the time, but i think i get it. I'm struggling to apply it to myself but.. you're probably right.

    Again, it's all about hobbies. But i'm not inspired, i'm not motivated, i'm not like that. I'm just not very productive.

    OCD? People have only ever joked about me having any kind of OCD, and i don't trust myself to self-diagnose anything... Nor Internet strangers really. But, i dunno, i'd never really considered that so it's a little interesting to hear.

    Yeah, i think you got everything.
    But, no, i don't think i'll keep posting. This thread was just me looking for help with some very specific things, i appreciate it but i wasn't aiming to get an overview of my mental health by posting here. So i think i'm going to stop now.
    This has been both helpful and stressful. Helpful because i got to vent and get a second opinion on things, but stressful because... I guess because i just feel guilty wasting your time. You've been very genuine and open with me, thank you, but i don't feel like my problems are worth all the time your spending to reply to me.
    Thank you though, it's been helpful.
     
    #11 Bobsleigh1, Oct 21, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 21, 2016
  12. ABeautifulMind

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    I cant force you to keep posting but dont stop on my behalf :wink:

    I assure you if I am not posting on your thread, I will be spending the EC time I have on other EC threads... Why not spend it on yours, where I might be able to help someone out. And even if you dont believe it, you are worth helping out :wink:

    Mental health problems can be worse than physical... Not only do you have problems in your life because of it, but you can have a hard time getting people to understand because the ailment can not be physically seen. That doesnt make it any less present...

    I mentioned going to school because I was doing terrible in homeschooling... It was right after columbine that I started wanting to go to school so my parents were FREAKING out, lots of fear about it back then... So my parents instead sent me to private school a couple years. You can get tax incentives that cover most of the tuition for private/charter schools, and they are usually more tolerant and accepting of peoples differences at private schools... Have you ever consider taking a look at private schools in your area? It might not do any good, but then again it might... It doesnt have to be for academic reasons... I was never terribly worried about academics... That was the one area of my life I was actually confident/competent... I was worried about my social life, my low number of friends outside of family, etc... You dont have to go to school only for academics. But I learned invaluable lessons in other areas of life by returning to school... It is also where I got most of my friends that I still know to this day, 11 years after graduating (damn im old)...

    The way you describe your life as not that bad sounds off... I think you have some stuff going on that I am not very experienced with personally.. I know I have spoken to people who say similar statements, but they are usually the type of person that will go above and beyond to make others happy. To the point of causing themselves significant discomfort if necessary to provide someone else with some happiness.... I am not sure if this sounds like you or not, I have only seen a few posts, and they have not had enough information about your interactions for me to tell if that is the case here. I will say the same thing I tell those people though. If this is causing you problems and impacting your daily life with any sort of significance, than it is a legitimate issue. Even if others dismiss it or tell you otherwise... These issues seem to be doing that to you. I am not positive, but if so, it is important to reinforce that your mental health and happiness are important. They matter. You deserve to be happy. It may not be fun, or it may be scary, but it is worth it. I know how overly simplified this is going to sound, but all it takes is effort. A lot of effort, dont get me wrong, but thats it... If you can not afford therapy, or more accurately, dont want to ask for the money for help, you should try to find LGBT community outreach for severely discounted therapists, sometimes even free... If not sometimes they have free group sessions with certified therapists, which may sounds scary but considering they are all their for similar issues of gay shame, domestic problems, mental health problems, self esteem problems, etc... And you will only have to see them at group, so its not like you have anything to worry about or be embarrassed about talking in group about...

    Can I ask what you think the reason you are so devaluing of yourself? Why is it you feel like you dont deserve help/happiness? I am sure just like with everyone, there are a number of combining causes, but I am curious what you think is/are the most influential reason(s)... Is it more related to sexuality maybe? or maybe it is depression? Or just a general self esteem issue? Because You deserve happiness. Whether you consciously realize that is the case or not, you dont seem to think you deserve happiness... And until you find out what makes you think you dont deserve happiness, not only will that not change, but as a result you probably wont even try to achieve happiness... Even if you consciously say you are trying, subconsciously I think you will prevent it yourself... I know this is an exceedingly difficult question to answer, but with some introspection I think you can handle it... Just think about it for a while..

    I know the fact you think mental health problems arent significant is probably very related to your issue with deserving happiness... But make no mistake, mental health problems are a significant and physical issue. They are caused (usually, almost entirely) by chemical imbalances in your brain. A physiological problem that manifests in your thoughts and behaviors... You may dismiss your mental health, but that doesnt mean it is not "real" and "physical" like any health problem.

    What if I told you that everyone feels that way about hobbies when they either have never tried them, or they are depressed... You will not feel like doing any of these coping mechanisms, because right now they are not your coping mechanisms, but rather just activities... If you force yourself to do them until you find one you enjoy at least a little, eventually you will enjoy it.. I didnt feel like working out 2 months ago. I hadnt in years... I forced myself to for about a week, and then I wanted to work out. I saw the changes in my mood and my physical health, and as a result, my mental health... It is kind of like the argument of which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Only it is more like moderate happiness/contentment and the coping mechanism that get you there... You wont feel better until your situation improves, probably by trying other coping mechanisms.... You wont try other coping mechanisms until you feel "inspired" which is probably not going to happen until your situation improves.... The only way I know of to break that type of chain of thoughts, is to just force it. Like I did with workign out... Try forcing yourself to draw... Try a couple times a day... You say you are always waiting, well then start drawing when your waiting... Draw anything. TV/cartoon characters, pictures of the cosmos, pictures of activities you wish you could be doing, animals, animal cartoon characters... Dont worry about feeling inspired for now, just consider it like your personal homework... Not to draw something inspirational/inspired, just to improve your drawing talent... Try forcing yourself to learn new art concepts like perspective and how to utilize it... And then apply that methodology to whatever other mechanisms you want to try... You dont hav to draw or "participate" in a mechanism for long... Just try a bunch of them out, and whichever ones are more entertaining, keep trying....

    I dont mean to try and push you or anything, and it is obviously your choice whether or not to try, but I am just trying to help you feel more comfortable about trying them... Even if they end up not working, whats a couple hours spread over a couple weeks? I feel like when I read your post, it sounds like you are uncomfortable about spending time on a mechanism that doesnt work or that your not great at/inspired by... I would suggest putting that out of your head... The worst possible outcome is some wasted time, that you would have been wasting by waiting... The best possible outcome is you finding you true calling and a way for you to make a great living... that is unlikely, but there are a lot of other outcomes that are pretty positive and much more likely.. For example just finding an activity you truly enjoy that takes your mind off your problems.. The bottom line is that when you are in the sort of negative mental state you're in now, you never "WANT" to do activities like this... But they almost always help. Ask around about this phenomenon... People always avoid activities that can help them, because they feel so bad they dont want to do them at the time... even though by doing them they could start the cycle of self improvement that leads to their happiness...

    Before you think you cant educate your parents, here is a small (incomplete) list of things I have changed my parents minds on in the last decade: (long list, you dont have to read every point, but it will give you an idea, and I will explain after the list)
    American Tax policy (switched to polar opposites, from extremely conservative fiscal policy converting to a VERY progressive fiscal policy.
    American drug laws (went from only supporting legalization of cannabis, to supporting that and decriminalization of all other scheduled substances.)
    American death penalty (We live in Tx and my parents wholeheartedly agreed with the death penalty, now they think it should be outlawed)
    Climate Change (my dad comes fgrom a family so religious they believe climate change cant be real because man can not destroy the planet unless god allows it.. Now my parents believe completely in climate change and its risks)
    Capitalism (My parents used to be the embodiment of the RNC and loved capitalism, and attacked all other monetary systems as corrupt, now they realize that the major corrupting force in the world is greed, the number 1 outcome of capitalism.)
    Demilitarizing the police (My parents 10 years ago were the people who didnt believe in excessive force as a real issue, it happened, but it was rare in their eyes... I have since illuminated their perspective on the issue)
    The Federal Reserve (I informed them how it works and then explained why it should be moved from the private/for profit sector into the public sector to remove the profit motive from the people who manage our money supply..)
    911 (They believed the official story of what happened until I sat down and explained some of the physics and science behind it, and then I showed them the declassified commission report pages that imply Saudi involvement)
    Nationalized healthcare (they were against it until I explained it is essentially a redistribution of power/wealth that favors the people over the oligarchy... That was how I changed their mind on the principle behind it, but I also explained the need we have for it, and the fact we are the only developed nation without it...)
    Nationalized college/university (This is one I think is great but not enough still... I believe in completely removing all education out of the profit/private sector.. Not only socializing the cost of education, but making it illegal to charge for education, through all levels... I convinced my republican conservative christian parents that this is how we should have it in our country)
    And finally EVERYTHING LGBT related, despite not being out to them...


    I am showing you all this to not only illustrate how much you can change people (even fanatics like my parents were) given time, and patience.. Not only in the number of issues, but also the extent to which their position changes... My parents didnt just change their position, they went from far right wing, to progressive on 80% of todays issues over the last decade.. I also wanted to help explain my strategy. Now your goal is to influence their feelings regarding LGBT issues, but just like everyone in the LGBT community you are worried that defending LGBT issues will out you to them, so you dont defend them... Well when I decided to start changing my parents minds, I had that same coming out fear, so I decided to do what generals do to enemy radar... bombard it so that they can not see the real target..... I realized that if I started talking to them about all the issues I listed, and I was advocating for the more progressive side of it, then it would not seem wierd I was also advocating for LGBT issues. I didnt bring up LGBT issues for like a year and a half or so after deciding to do this... took me a while to get the courage... But eventually I started taking a stand on LGBT issues too, and you know what? It didnt happen over night, but now my parents both advocate for LGBT rights... my mom is still a little.... well I guess you could say she experiences cognitive dissonance in the fact that she knows it is only fair for gays to have equal rights, but something in her head is still against it... I can tell in our conversations that she is essentially choosing the right side on the issue because in her head she has reasoned out that it is the right thing to do, but she still disagrees with it... But either way, I have DRASTICALLY adjusted their views on LGBT rights...

    I know that was like an entire page explaining that strategy, but I figure since you spend so much time just waiting around, maybe this strategy could work for you... You could spend your free time researching a few issues to use as your radar chaff, figure out the best arguments for influencing your parents, then start bringing it up occasionally.. In fact maybe you find an issue that is so interesting to you that reading about it becomes a hobby/coping mechanism.... Eventually after like 6 months or a year, basically when you hear them comment on how liberal/progressive you seem to be, then you could start bringing in LGBT issues... Even if you cant get them to the point of full acceptance with this method, you might be able to get them to the point where if you came out then they might feel forced to accept you... What I mean is, if you came out now, I am sure you fear rejection by them.. Everyone does tbh... But after a few months of being confronted about their LGBT beliefs and having the other side explained to them in a way that they feel bad for their original positions, might make it so that when you come out, they give themselves time to think about it instead of your worst fears coming true... That time to think about it, beyond the knee jerk reaction, can mean the difference between acceptance and rejection I think... I could be off, but I thought I would share my strategy in case it could help...

    Im not sure what you meant by the indiscreet cut being clever... It was not some intentional maneuver or anything... The day I got pulled from school I had cut my arm about.... 4-5 inchs, which at that time was about half my forearm's length... and it was between my wrist and elbow where I could not have hidden it no matter what.... I didnt plan it that way... I flipped the fuck out and overreacted to some of the problems I was facing... I had already been cutting for months, but this time was different.. I did it without considering the consequences, and it happened it what I can only describe as a flash/blur.. But in therapy I discovered it was like my subconscious's cry for help... Me realizing subconsciously that I needed help, even if I had too much anxiety to face that fact consciously.. I was just using the story to point out the difference between cutting and looking for attention... As well as the difference between needing attention and wanting attention... You dont sound like you are looking for attention, but you do sound like you need attention...

    Like I said before, I am not sure if you have OCD, I just kept noticing issues you have and how they seem to relate to patterns and rituals so I thought I would bring it up..

    Im gonna end this epic novel here shortly, but first I want to point out a couple things...

    I am not sure what you wanted when you posted in here, and I apologize if I am analyzing a little too much... I always over analyze when someone brings up self harm, because it is something I feel like I have at least a little bit of insight into... If I am way off with what I am saying, let me know... I have been wrong before, back in the mid 90s :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    As I said, I cant force you to post, but either way I will be spending time on this forum, so dont think you are wasting my time... I am already going to waste it on BS, I would much rather utilize it helping you if possible... So dont feel like you have to stop wasting my time, because you ARE NOT the one "wasting" it... In other words, this thread should have only felt helpful, not stressful, to which I reply, why stop? Why not keep posting if it is helping you...

    If you dont want to post here anymore after reading this, thats cool, but dont feel like you cant... In fact if you dont want to post here, feel free to post on my wall for a slightly more private convo... but be aware that walls are public... I hope things can start to turn around for you, in the mean time though, I hope you will continue to post on EC :wink:
     
  13. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    I wasn't planning to post again but... I feel like i should reply to this one, there's so many things (which likely took quite some time to write) to reply to and to say in return.

    I've never really considered a private school, but i don't think there are any in this area so there isn't much to consider in my case.
    Hehe, 29 isn't that old. ^.^

    I can't really answer whether that sounds like me or not, i don't really like to try to analyse myself for traits like that...
    Just because it could possibly be a "legitimate issue" doesn't mean it deserves become anyone else's issue as well... you know what i mean...?
    Y'know, i actually remember a point in my life whereby i started to really make an effort to have a regular sleep schedule, it kind of worked for a while and i felt great about it... But it just didn't last. I just fell back into insomnia, and that's where i am now despite the effort i put into not being this way... And, yeah, the way i feel mentally and my sleep problems are two very different issues and would likely have different results from such efforts, but wouldn't the way i feel emotionally just be even more difficult to fix in comparison to my simple struggle to sleep??? If so, then i doubt i could even come close to fixing my... "emptiness" i guess... not if i couldn't even fix something like my sleep schedule...
    A lot of effort likely can be of assistance with these things for a lot of people... but maybe i just suck at putting "effort" into anything..

    If i went to any LGBT related therapist of any kind then i'd be required to come out... I don't plan to let that happen any time soon.
    And, yeah, i guess group therapy would be just as simple as nay other to some people... but i couldn't speak in a group. I can't be the center of anyone's attention for even a second, i hate those situations even with my family... I can't speak over people at all either, i'd just be blocked out... Plus, i almost always regret telling people anything... I don't know why i do, i just feel anxious and guilty and just generally regretful whenever i accidentally let anything inside my head like that slip out...

    I don't know if i'm necessarily "devaluing" myself, that seems too... too "sad"??? I mean, i'm human, i have to have a bit of self-centeredness that just how we are as a... thing. And i'm constantly complaining about things within and at myself just not with other people. They don't need that in their lives, they probably have other things.

    I appreciate you saying that i deserve happiness, but no one even really has that so it's certainly not something i could have to such a significant extent, not whilst feeling like this. I could have bursts of it... but "happiness" isn't really achievable, for anyone. The concept of "happiness" is like a fairy tale your parents read you to stop you crying because they can't be bothered to deal with your childish complaining anymore.
    Plus, you only know me as filtered posts on a forum... For all you know i could be terrible... Then you wouldn't say i deserve a thing...
    I'm not trying to have happiness... I want the concept, but there's no point in tying to reach for it... There's nothing on the end of that pointless fund-wasting tunnel...

    If this is meant to be a "chemical imbalance" then what if i don't have that...? Like, what if i talk to a therapist and it's nothing... Because everyone feels like this but i'm just being particularly spoiled about it...???
    I desperately want the way i feel to have a name, i desperately want a diagnosis, a target to take down... But what if it's not worth a name?? I dread to think of what i'd do if i found out that i really am just being a time-wasting bratty kid... I'd probably do nothing. I'd probably just live as though nothing were wrong, because nothing could be wrong if a they say there is nothing... I'd take that therapist's word for it and stop trying to feel any better... not that i'm doing a good job at "trying" anyway...
    I think i'm actually slightly afraid of speaking to a therapist for that reason.
    What if i just start drama in my family, stress people out over me, make people fuss over me and try to help me and pay for a therapist for me and then... they say it's nothing. Turns out i'm just being... an "attention seeker" or a "time-waster", "annoying", "pointless" and bothering people needlessly.
    Therapy is my only slight hope currently... If i lose that, then i'm cornered. There'd be nothing i could do but live by pushing away a feeling i've had for years and that's felt like it'd been so significant and changing... Does anyone else think that way? Have you ever thought that way? I doubt it, and that's why i think it could be true... I don't want it to be true. I don't want to have anything wrong with me but i feel like i do and i don't want to have the only hope i've ever had of feeling better taken from me...
    ... I've kind of been having a revelation as i type this. I think that's at least part of why i'm reluctant to go to therapy, and i've never realised that before. There's definitely other reasons too... But that's definitely another.

    "What if [you] told [me] that..."? Don't tell me that. I don't want to trick myself into believing i have, in this case, depression when i don't... Depression is serious, sad and not something i wish upon anyone... That's not what i'm feeling. This is trivial. And i'm beginning to fully believe in that despite what you tell me. Depression is not trivial. It can't be this. Don't compare that to this...
    I'm probably sounding like you've offended me or something, you haven't, i just don't want to subconsciously diagnose myself with anything...
    It's like looking up the traits to your astrological sign and naturally applying them to yourself with ease due to their personal-but-vague traits and then continuing to believe fully in their accuracy then realising that you can relate to all the other signs perfectly too if you just try and the one you were assigned actually means nothing... Did that make sense or just seem irrelevant....?
    Also, i don't really have the ability to try any other coping mechanisms... There's not much i'm interested in and i can't just go out and buy things to dabble in that i might not end up even using...
    I remember a point last year (i think) whereby i drew everyday for a couple days straight and was pretty proud of myself... But i didn't force myself into it, i just felt genuinely inspired. With drawing (or any art, i suppose), if you aren't actually inspired or motivated then it just comes out badly... a visually bad piece of art isn't really something i could feel proud of... And that's how a lot of my recent art has come out. Maybe i'm just losing that skill entirely.
    It's fine, you feel helpful not forceful or anything.
    Yeah, i think get what you mean an relate... A lot of the time i do have some things i could try to do, usually my small collection of video games, but i just don't feel like it'll do me any good. Occasionally though, i do force myself to open my DS or something and it certainly makes for a good distraction, but i always feel kind of bad afterwards.. like, if i was going to actually do something that day then i could have at least done something productive... I don't really like that feeling. It's kind of... shame/embarrassment-like.

    Whoa, you parents must be... malleable.
    My sister and me already try to advocate for many things occasionally. Quite often LGBT related. But we just aren't taken seriously...
    I relate to that, the whole "they say they support LGBT rights but would obviously be incredibly uncomfortable letting their children talk to a gay person for example", "cognitive dissonance", both my parents are like that on a ton of subjects, not just LGBT ones.
    Yeah, that strategy's good. I just don't really think my parents are going to do much when it comes to changing their opinions... as i've mentioned, we're all quite stubborn really... So, if i did come out, they either react terribly or (best case scenario) they'd tell me they accept me so as not to make me think badly of them but they'd be lying. And i wouldn't be satisfied with them just lying to me... I'd probably be more satisfied if they just told how they really feel about me (even if that would end terribly) rather than having them feel the need to put on a front for me... or.. for their reputation i guess.

    I'm so sorry, that was insensitive! I just meant that any parents seeing an intentionally indiscreet cut on their child would give the child an easy way out of actually telling them about self-harming, it would easily spark a conversation on the topic rather than the child having to nervously bring up the problem themself if this child had the intention of getting help from their parents' potential to notice the cut. I hadn't meant to trivialise your personal experience in cutting that day and accidentally having people notice without thinking, i hadn't intended to imply that this was your "plan" or that you intended for someone to notice the cut when it happened i just thought that, as a "plan", it could have the potential to make a few things a little more convenient and less stressful...
    That was inexcusably insensitive, i apologise. And, i also have no intention of "performing" this "plan"... I have no intention of letting anyone see anything.
    I hadn't meant to bend the intentions you had for telling me of that story. That sounds sad, and i'm sorry you felt so bad as to do something like that to yourself that day. I'm clearly feeling nothing to the level that you did... I can hardly pull off 2 inches with my blade...

    Yeah, okay, but, again, i don't like to self diagnose... I'm not disbelieving of people who do self diagnose but i just don't trust myself to have anything to do with my own possible diagnosis. So, i guess i'd rather you didn't try to diagnose me either...?? Or, at least, don't mention it to me...

    I kind of just wanted to know a few things like how i should be cleaning my cuts and what to do in some upcoming situations, but i don't feel uncomfortable with you taking the time to analyse and help me...

    Nah, i feel like, if i am to reply, then it''ll be on the thread... I don't want to flood your wall with massively long messages, y'know...?
    I don't know if i'm going to continue posting... maybe. It depends... i still feel kind of weird about doing posting.. almost like i'm making you feel somewhat pressured to reply to me every time and wasting your time in the progress...
    So thank you... but it's only a maybe on continuing...
     
  14. ABeautifulMind

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    First of all, thank you. You definitely deserve a cookie for thinking I am not that old...

    I would argue your sleep and mental health are most likely directly related. And I would bet if you improved your mental health and well being then your sleep would improve as well...

    This is not something that should be painful or anything to put effort into. It essentially means you should find a therapist and open up with them and let them help you, even if it means going to an LGBT center or something similar.

    As for your having to come out, would you really have a problem coming out to an LGBT ally therapist? They are required by law, under the threat of losing their license, not to reveal what you say to anyone unless it is a threat to your person or another person. You dont have to come out to everyone to see a therapist. Use the cutting and insomnia... Or just tell them you want help and you dont think it is there business why you want help... The bottom line is, you dont have to say your gay to get therapy... Lots of people who are heteronormal go to therapy as well...

    The word devaluing fits. Now you may not be devaluing yourself to an extreme extent like a slave or anything... But you are devaluing yourself. You most likely dont see it, and if you do, dont consider it significant. It is. Its the reason you think happiness is a fairytale you can never have... First of all, people achieve happiness. It is a real thing. And while it is relative, meaning you can have varying degrees of happiness, but trust me, happiness is definitely real. And it is not only found in bursts... It is completely understandable that you feel this way, I know many do... It could be a number of reason, from your mental health currently, any mental/emotional long term issues you may have, as well as the hopeless feeling brought on by cutting... And I know this hasnt been mentioned but if your anything like I was when cutting I always felt like it was hopeless and that I could not stop... To figure out why you dont think you deserve happiness, which may be essential to getting better, you should really consider therapy...

    I almost fear saying this because I dont want to freak you out, but you almost certainly have a small issue at least... I cant put my finger on exactly what it is, but in speaking with you I firmly believe there is something going on that could be diagnosed, treated, and helped... I could take a couple shots in the dark, but as you stated before, I think you would prefer I dont. But make no mistake, even if you dont have a disorder or diagnosis with a fancy name or label, these things are definitely impacting your life negatively. There is no shame in getting help. It never feels like that when your the one who is being told to get help. But it really is true. If nothing else, I would argue it cant hurt anything... It might just turn your life around. It did for me...

    Depression is a sneaky problem because a lot of time it has varying degrees of impact... Some people are barely influenced and may not even realize they have it... Some people cant get out of bed for months at a time... While you may dismiss your issues with feeling down as not being significant to be depression, or rather being too trivial to be depression, is what a lot of people with depression think before realizing they need help... Im not saying you have depression, just dont dismiss it because it doesnt seem significant enough... Especially when your personality is one that as I said, devalues yourself and is most likely making it so that you dont think it is important enough when it in reality it probably is... I only say that because instead of saying you dont feel depressed, you say this isnt that because this is trivial. If you feeling depressed, then you might have depression... regardless of the degree of depression... If your not depressed thats fine too, I just dont want you to only dismiss it because you dont think your depressed enough to deserve help... IF you are depressed, you deserve help, if you arent, lets move on...

    The astrology thing doesnt fit because in this case you can safely assume one of the "horoscopes" (in your metaphor) MOST LIKELY accurately describes you... Where with actual horoscopes, there is no guarantee... IDK if that makes sense, but basically to say you cant explore how you feel because a lot of medical issues share symptoms and thus seems to fit, isnt the same as thinking all actual horoscopes fit... Because most likely, there is a medical diagnosis that does fit... I am not suggesting self diagnosing, I am just pointing out possibilities to help you see to getting your self a therapist.. Basically if you start reading up and trying to figure out your own problems, at the very least it may help you see your not alone and that you need help... The overlapping symptoms are EXACTLY why we have professionals that can help..

    As for coping mechanisms..

    Drawing does not always have to be inspired, and practice is very important... and when you say it looks bad if uninspired, that means you need to practice. Just like with everything practice improves performance. That doesnt mean that you will create a masterpiece without some inspiration, but a lack of inspiration doesnt mean you cant draw... If anything drawing without a sense of inspiration will probably be the best way to improve... Think about it... when you inspired it is probably easier for you to draw, but practicing when it is harder will probably help you learn faster...

    You can always just draw pics off the net... IDK what kind of drawing you like but if it was for example cartoon characters, just draw cartoon characters off google images... no inspiration needed...

    Coping mechanisms dont have to cost money...

    Running, listening to music, drawing, computer coding, playing solitaire... In fact If I am honest the only two I can think of that cost money is playing an instrument if you dont have one and working out if you dont have equipment... All you need it dumbells though which you can get on amazon for 40 dollars...

    Even then you might be able to find a guitar at a garage sale or something for cheap... I got one when I was a kid for 5 dollars....

    Im just pointing these out because I dont want you to think that coping mechanisms have to cost money... You can do almost anything to cope, as long as it takes your mind off of things and helps you relax... Coming on to EC is DEFINITELY a good coping mechanism that I think you should continue to practice with as well... I would also argue most coping methods, not all, but at least a lot if not most, are productive... you dont see pursuing happiness as productive, and I understand that because of the conversation we have had, but let me just assure you now, activities that make you relax or feel better or feel happy, or not a waste of time, they have an output, and it is a valuable output...

    Lets not worry about the cutting and you thinking your insensitive.. You are not insensitive, you didnt offend me at all, I am just the type of person who likes to make sure there are no miscommunication issues...

    If you dont feel comfortable with me analyzing I can stop, but it sounds like you just feel uncomfortable with my spending time on you. This is what I mean. You thinking that people spending time helping you means they are wasting their time... Perfect example of you devaluing yourself. If I dont have time, as we have discussed, I wont be able to respond... BUT when I respond, rest assured, I would be spending this time on EC regardless, I would MUCH MUCH MUCH rather spend it on a thread where I might be able to offer some insights....

    All in all, I really think you need to consider some help from a professional, but no one can make you... If all you GENUINELY wanted was basic maintenance on your cuts:

    If it is not currently infected wash with warm water and soap when you bathe, when you get out gently dab it dry, add neosporin and bandage it... At night take off the bandage and let it get air...

    If infected clean in the bathe and then when you get out clean with hydrogen peroxide some and put neosporin.. Dont put a bandage if possible because it will hold sweat... if you dont see improvement in at most 2 days, less if it gets too red or severe.... the neosporin might take care of a minor infection but not a major one...

    This is all based on what I think your cuts look like, short and not scrapes but cuts that are only as thick as the blade being used... This is how I cared for mine usually sometimes switching out neosporin with other first aid antibiotic treatments... But the reason I dont think this is what you were looking for is because if you can get on EC, you can probably google first aid tips on these things... So, if you still want to post here, dont hesitate, but at the same time, I think when you do post here, you should do your best to treat yourself better. You are worth just as much as anyone else. You deserve help. You deserve happiness. But until you truly feel like you do, IDK if you will ever allow yourself to pursue it let alone attain it...

    It gets better...
     
  15. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Yeah, i'd be fine to come out to an LGBT ally therapist but in order to get a therapist that's definitely an ally wouldn't i need to come out to my parents...??? Otherwise, i'd likely have no idea how my own therapist would react to me being "queer"...
    And i don't really trust a therapist not to tell a kid's parents what their kid's been saying... I know that they aren't meant to say anything about their... "client" or "patient", i don't know what you'd call them... but if it's a kid then i feel like they would tell at least the parents things. And, even if that wasn't the case, i'd likely feel as though it was the case and struggle to trust the therapist or just struggle to speak to the therapist...
    Although, yeah, i suppose i could only talk about the cutting and insomnia... I don't feel like it would be very fair of me to make my parents pay for a therapist without telling them why... but i could definitely just use cutting and insomnia.
    I don't really know why i'm thinking about therapy though... Even if i fully believed that i needed it, i likely wouldn't feel able to ask for a therapist.
    It's just so frustrating... there's been a couple of times that i've started threads like this or times when i would search for help online but every time i do those things it always ends with "get therapy". Is that really the only hope for feeling better...? It really seems like that's what people believe... everyone acts like therapy is this magical one-size-fits-all cure for everything; that you're screwed unless you get therapy. That there is no other way.
    When, really, what makes therapy so special?? Pure medication??? If there is literally nothing else in the world that i can trust to help "cure" me of whatever i possibly do or don't have going on, then what makes therapy the one thing that can help??? It seems so unrealistic to me that therapy can do anything for anyone... And it's especially frustrating to think that the one thing that could help me is also the one thing i can't seem to get... It makes it seem so hopeless.
    I really feel like i can't get therapy... Not for a couple decades at least.
    I don't want to waste my parents' money and neither do they. Even if i told my parents what's been going on with me then they'd probably just see it as nothing. If i told them i've been cutting then they'd just be angry and think it pointless and immature, they'd maybe confiscate some things and remove all blades from my reach but typically they wouldn't go to any lengths to find out why i'd been cutting in the first place.
    And it's completely within their rights to react in those ways, i just really don't want to make them react like that in the first place... So then there's the reason of me just being too scared ask, i guess...
    I just feel so hopeless.

    Yeah, that's probably true, drawing without inspiration would be a better way to improve... it's just hard to get up and do it, i guess...
    Nah, i'm not very good at copying... i prefer to just draw from my head rather than having to meet someone else's drawing standard or style, you know...???

    Yeah, i guess not... i do kind of already have some coping mechanisms that don't cost money... i just never really considered them as such until you suggested them.
    As for mechanisms that DO cost money... I do actually have a keyboard in my room that i guess i could try to pick up again. It's just kind of sad to try to play nowadays... i used to be really good at piano, i picked up songs really easily and remembered how to play them off the top of my head for months at a time... But now i can't remember a single song.
    Occasionally i plug it in and try to learn new songs but either it never sticks or i just get bored of trying. I do love instruments and wish i could play some but i just don't seem capable.
    But, yeah, EC is definitely an activity i can "practice".
    These things aren't really real productivity though, are they..? They're more like simple distractions to pass the time... nothing really results from them.

    Yes, thank you, will do; and, yeah, that seems like quite an accurate description of my cuts...
    Yeah, i probably could've gotten this information just by using google... But, after thinking about it, i think that a lot of the reason i started this thread was just to get a secret of mine out there. It felt wrong and i just felt like i was under a lot of pressure and guilt to be the only one who knew of my cutting. I needed to get it off of my chest to stop panicking about it and get some decent enough sleep that night and Ec seemed like a good way to do just that...
    Plus, on EC, it's just a bit more personal and personalised; here you can get help and support for your specific situation, and you feel like you know who your talking to and who you're talking to has likely had similar experiences to you and so knows what they're talking about.
    So it's a lot more comforting asking EC than it is to just read someone's random article elsewhere, if that makes sense?

    Again i don't know whether i'm going to post again... but i seem to keep saying that and then i just continue to reply after you do so... i don't know, probably.
     
  16. ABeautifulMind

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    So when I was talking about an LGBT therapist, I was assuming you would not discuss it with your parents and attempt to find a therapist on your own at an LGBT center... Usually youth can find all sorts of services free of charge and significantly discounted... Maybe you could go there, and find out if they have any services that might help...

    But I want to address your comments on therapy. EVERYONE thinks that before they experience therapy. It is hard to explain why therapy can be so helpful. On one hand it is nice/helpful having an objective person who is only there to listen.. BUT that is not really all there is to it... A lot of times our problems are sort of disguised to us... They hide underneath other problems... Therapists no how to root them out.. Ill try to give you an example.. Like I for example when I was a kid I had some anger issues... Or so we thought... Through therapy me and my parents learned it was not so much anger, as an inability to process other emotions leading to an outcry of anger/frustration... Which once I learned to express verbally and eventually emotionally, what I was feeling, my "anger issues" were quieted significantly...

    That is just a small example, where I would not have figured it out without therapy... Therapy is not the only solution, but it is by far the most effective..

    Coming on these forums can only help so much... Is it enough? IDK... you can always put off therapy in hopes this will be enough.. But I think you should consider keeping the option available at least to the extent of trying it if you cant get the help you need from this... Who knows, maybe someone will say something so inspiring it makes you realize that you no longer need to cut and can instead "fill in the blank" but the odds of that happening are low... My analysis can only go so far... I dont know enough about human psychology to be able to truly suss out the issues I dont think...

    IDK who told you therapists give out drugs but when I say therapist I mean psychologist, NOT psychiatrist.. Psychiatrists are the ones that prescribe drugs... therapists discuss the issues and help you discover their causes... Just like with my previous anger issues, a lot of times just knowing why you have the issues, like what causes them, can enable you to address them on your own. Or if it is a "trigger" like with anxiety learning about it can help you avoid the trigger and therefore avoid anxiety..

    So as for therapy, in summary, everyone thinks talking to a therapist cant help, or rather they think, "what good could it do?" I was too young to have that mind set when I went in... But a lot of people do.. I would almost say more people think that than dont... But no matter how smart or "figured out" you think you are, therapy really can help... Ever seen House? I liken it to him needing outsiders who think differently than him to bounce ideas off of... Therapy gives you an objective, experienced, and knowledgeable (in psychology) person to help you analyze your problems...

    It might be difficult to specifically request an LGBT ally for therapy, but I will point out most therapists are LGBT allies nowadays... If you happen to get one who isnt, try another therapist... There is nothing wrong with trying a couple different before finding one you like... And ask about confidence. Ask them whether they are a licensed therapist, and if so ask them what they are required to share and what they are required not to share... These are enforced under penalty of the loss of their license... They will not violate this. They will lose their ability to work if they did. Even with minors. I believe all they report is threats/dangers to your person or another person..

    That is all I will say for now about therapy, because really I could go on non stop on the topic... Except that I do not think you need drugs... I suppose you might, but that is not what I am recommending here.

    As for copying when drawing, its not like every drawing has to be a masterpiece... It is perfectly ok to copy as long as you dont like... sell it as your own... and copying is the best practice.. It forces you to recreate something exactly instead of free drawing, if that makes sense... think of it like driving a car... if you are allowed to drive anywhere on a track then you will learn come things about driving, BUT if your forced to follow a track you will probably learn more as far as how to handle certain types of turns, where to brake based on your speed, etc... Well by copying a piece of art it can help you learn specifics about perspective, shading, angles, etc...

    That doesnt mean you have to make it YOUR style... it just means you now have that style in your database in case later you want to use some unique part of that style in one of your unique (inspired) masterpieces...

    The keyboard is a good idea. I actually have been considering setting up an old keyboard of mine from when I was younger... I never got very good... But I have been considering learning... It is supposed to be a GREAT coping mechanism... Plus it is a creative outlet, something I am sort of short on lately... I am going to tell you what I will be telling myself shortly... You will have to really stick with it for it to work out.

    Productivity. Im not sure of your definition here, but I would like to think that if something makes it so that I go from unhappy to happy, or even just miserable to content, it was productive. Therefore any successful coping mechanism is productive. Some of them also have outputs like pictures, art, music, getting into better shape, etc..

    I figured there was some other reason you were asking for help on first aid on this particular forum lol... I just wasnt positive about what it was... Well, I will be honest, I sort of had an idea of what it was, but you confirmed it.. It is ok to be worried about this. Just dont panic. That leads to way more problems... Plus if you remove self harm from the table as an option because your panicking or something, that can be disastrous. While self harm is a bad coping mechanism, it is effective, unfortunately. If things get too bad, even if you are trying to stop self harm, sometimes it is necessary. What I mean is, while you should try not to obviously, if things get too bad, it is better to cut yourself than kill yourself. I know that is a weird/controversial statement and seems like it should be said differently, that is the only way I know of to say it...

    I intentionally let your parents go last for a couple reasons... First they are the biggest influence involved that I know little about... But based on what I have read they are pretty distant.

    If that is the case, you should consider going to an LGBT center on your own and starting out with group, because I believe group is usually free... You dont have to say anything if your uncomfortable. But just hearing how others are going through similar problems will help you feel at ease... Even if no one in the group cuts, cutting is not your problem, it is simply a symptom. After you go a few times hopefully you would feel comfortable enough to talk... You think getting things off your chest here feels good? wait until you do it in front of a person/people and their response is one of understanding and empathy... Let me just tell you, I am not an emotional person. I have had problems in my past simply expressing my emotions, so clearly I am not one to overly express them... But the first time you let go of some of your biggest problems and they are met that way, you will probably cry from relief... It can seriously cause a flood of emotions..

    Anxiety in your head always makes you think the worst... For anyone with anxiety that is true. Will they think it is a stupid problem? Will they say I need to just accept it and get over it? Will they tell me I am being melodramatic? will they even care? Will they say I am hopeless? Anxiety can be a mother fucker.. Which is why I would also suggest you do an honest and objective evaluation/assessment of your parents. Are they really that distant, or are you anxious about talking to them and thus projecting your own distance about the subject onto them? Or are they genuinely that distant? You could try talking to your parents about things... If you determine they are that distant, well people get into routines and sometimes anything outside of that routine can be dismissed unless it is of a certain level of importance.. I mean, if your leaving the house and realize you left your favorite pen on the cabinet, you keep going to work, if you left your wallet, your headed home... Maybe you just need to show your parents that your issues have become the equivalent of a wallet and not a pen... I hate to say it using that metaphor because it is devaluing to your problems. Please do not think I mean they are a pen or wallet literally, I am just extending the metaphor... But I think this gives you the idea... Your parents may dismiss certain things (not that they should but they may). Maybe you need to just start slowly sharing until they realize you might need help.

    Is there any chance your fear of coming out or being outed somehow is influencing these decisions? I only ask because LGBT people almost universally have anxiety regarding being outed until they come out... If that is the case, I want to let you know asking for a therapist is something straight people do as well... So is cutting... So is insomnia.. While we (LGBT) always fear the possiblity of being outed, this is not something that you have to fear... Asking for help with cutting or insomnia does not imply you are gay...

    I want to offer advice as to how to ask for therapy.. Im not going to though until I know you want to hear it... There are an infinite number of options...

    And just so you know, you should be proud you were able to post here. So many people with this problem dont reach out until it is too late. Now I hope you dont mind me making this assertion, but I think if your not aware of it, you might want to be...

    I would argue you came here not only because you wanted to get it off your chest, but because you were looking for someone with insights about these issues to help you. Now that "help you" is loosely defined even to you... I doubt you even know what "help you" means... I dont.. It could mean convincing you that you should be in therapy. It could be helping you learn new coping methods. It could be just listening to your problems, and explaining that they are normal... It could be any combination of those things, or something completely different... But the bottom line is, I think subconsciously you posted here because you wanted help.. I think that is also why you continue posting, BUT you dont want to admit that you need help of some sort OR you dont think you can be helped, so you continue pretending like you dont want help and acting like these posts are not terribly important (saying you may not post again) so that you dont get your hopes up...

    Im not positive about that, only you can answer whether that is true.. But really consider it... Because admitting you have a problem and need help, as cliche as it is, really is the first step...

    I guess I will end this novel here.. I wrote this by scrolling through your message responding, but if I missed something just let me know, because I didnt quite follow that order lol... It sort of turned into a stream of consciousness writing lol...

    And you dont have to write that you might not respond... I understand the personality quirk where you dont want to impose on anyone but like I have already explained, I would be spending the time on EC anyways... If you no longer need/want to respond I can not change that. But just dont stop because your afraid of wasting my time, because this is what I enjoy spending my time on when I have free time... I like the idea that I might be helping someone who is going through some of the same things I did..
     
  17. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Oh, right. Yeah, i guess, but there aren't any LGBT centers near me, that and i couldn't just go off alone.

    Yeah, i know, but psychologists and psychiatrists are just kind of bunched into the same category, yanno?

    I don't know, i just struggle to see a simple change in mood for a couple hours as something terribly productive.

    My parents aren't exactly "distant", as you put it, they just aren't great at this kind of thing...
    Well, what if it isn't just some kind of anxiety??? What if i'm completely void of any kind of anxiety and everything i'm thinking is actually a very real possibility??? I know my parents well and i really feel like i know how they'd react...

    Of course i realise that getting therapy wouldn't directly out me, of course people that are straight or cis have these kinds of issues too... I just see my gender and sexuality as quite a significant problem for me, it's something that i'd like to discuss with a therapist if i got one as well as my other more general issues and therefore would need to come out.

    Even if we stayed here and plotted together for hours on how to ask for therapy, i know i wouldn't use any of it. Even if i ended up claiming that i would, i wouldn't. I can't ask for therapy, it's just not something i can do. Not now.

    I don't know, i just know i felt guilty keeping it to myself and needed help with some things on cutting, i don't know why i posted here beyond that.

    No, i don't think you missed anything, i probably did though; I feel like i've been kind of lazy in responding, but i'm tired and not feeling great today, kind of ill, so... that could be it i guess. But it's still laziness on my part...

    I know that you've said that i don't need to keep saying this, but i really think that this will be my last post here.
    I really appreciate everything you've said and done, I appreciate that you've tried to convince me to get help and whatnot, but i just don't think i'm able to be helped, not just yet anyway i guess...
    I just feel too guilty writing here... I feel like i'm lying to you, everything i've said is fact but i just feel like i'm being melodramatic... i feel like i'm wasting your time because your trying to help me but i'm just not convinced to comply and i don't think i ever will be... Plus, i'm going directly against my parents by talking to anyone online and feel incredibly guilty whenever i post on this entire site honestly... Even when i post in the "Fun and Games" section or send wall messages to people i trust...
    If you reply to this, which you don't have to, please don't dedicate yourself to it or spend too much time on it by making it hugely detailed and long because i'll probably feel like i have to reply to it or else all your efforts would go to waste... That sounds so self-centered... I just can't keep posting here, it's really making me paranoid. I can't keep doing this, i really need to stop...
    But thank you for listening to me ramble like this, and thank you for your help and genuine advice, i swear not all of this has been pointless, it has been helpful just scary at the same time...
    Thank you for everything, and, if i feel like talking about these things again, then i'll maybe try to message you. 'u'
     
    #17 Bobsleigh1, Oct 27, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 27, 2016
  18. ABeautifulMind

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    I just want to say, I have been writing back and forth with someone about my issues lately and I have been saying or thinking very similar things as you. I consistently feel like I am being melodramatic like my issues/concerns are not valid.. I know they are, but I still find myself saying they arent in my head...

    Which makes me feel like I am lying... Not about content, but about the impact.. I always feel like its not as bad as I think, and I am over exaggerating/lying...

    You are not the only one who goes through these things. And let me tell you, even if you cant go to therapy just talking about it can help... I didnt have a forum like this when I was younger, but I went to group frequently... well, about twice a month.. Just to get things off my chest.. It was an AS group but still... Just talking about shit so your not the only one and it doesnt feel like your being melodramatic, because the people there are saying the same things and having very similar problems. This forum can VERY MUCH be like a group for you.. Somewhere that people with similar issues are willing to listen, support, and share with you...

    I dont want you to think your only options are talking to a therapist and talking to your parents... You always have the option of just posting here and venting when shit comes up... You can just sort of maintain until you can move out...

    I guess what I am trying to say is, please dont hesitate to message me if you think you need to OR you just want to.

    Also, I dont care what your parents rules are, you are doing ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong coming here and discussing your problems... If it is against their rules, their rules are wrong. Im sorry but there is a difference between coming here and reaching out for help, and socializing with random people for entertainment/socialization... This is your only legitimate outlet, dont close it down.

    I know this is off topic, but I didnt mention before, one of the best coping mechanisms... I will just say taking some personal "ZUmiWyverx" time can be very helpful as a coping mechanism :wink:

    This one is not near as long... Ill leave you by saying dont hesitate to message me anytime you are having an issue and need to get it off your chest, I am always more than happy to help, because believe it or not, you deserve help, you deserve to be listened to, and you deserve happiness, EVEN if you dont think so :wink:
     
  19. Bobsleigh1

    Bobsleigh1 Guest

    Okay, thank you for everything! ^u^