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Seems I'm a natural lesbian but still have guilt

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bright skies, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. bright skies

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 15, 2016
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    15
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    So it's been over a year since my life took an unexpected turn. I fell hard for a gay woman at work despite my very long straight relationship. I still get confused days because I often worry about my ex partner and our children. He has taken our split so badly and has been suicidal at times, he still cries every day and it's been 6 months. He begs me not to rip our family apart and some days I feel like I should make it work, I always pictured growing old together. I'm scared of not having him in my life anymore as he feels like home and we've been together since teenagers.

    On the other hand I'm so in love with the woman I fell for and she is so in love with me. I want to spend every waking minute with her. We've just started having sex and it's amazing! We waited a long time for it to happen because unknown to me she was so worried I wouldn't like it. I had no idea for some time why she would make excuses for it not to happen and started to feel rejected. We have been so open with eachother lately and she told me having sex with me was going to be the most important sex she'd ever have because she has been with her fair share of women but was never in love with them.

    Anyway since this all began she's maintained she thinks I'm straight up until now, she now thinks I've been in denial My whole life. My first time being with a woman and Apparently it was if I knew exactly what I was doing. Obviously I'm happy she likes it that much but it has made me think a lot again about my identity. I had a very low sex drive for years and thought it was the kids, being tired, depression or just what happens in long relationships. My male partner was always attentive and tried hard to please me so it wasn't bad sex I just didn't get turned on anymore. Yet we were at it a lot in the beginning and I wanted it more.

    So my life is still in turmoil because of my past relationship and how loyal I still feel I should be to him. On the other hand I'm having the time of my life with the most amazing woman.

    I'd love to hear others experiences? I worry that I'm only feeling like this with her because it's new and exciting. Is it that or is it because Im fulfilling something i'd buried away all these years. We really connect and I want to share so much with her, I've turned into a sex addict when before her I really didn't care if I never done it again. My male partner and I still have a connection but it's not the same, i'd would of rather go on holiday with my friends or out with my friends than him. I am scared I've ripped my family apart for selfish reasons and it will end and all have been for nothing.
     
  2. Sawyer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2016
    Messages:
    199
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    41
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Before I came out of the closet, I dated two guys. I think for me it was to make my mom happy--that I was normal, even though I never actively sought out men--and being gay never even occurred to me (even though all my crushes were girls).

    My very first kiss was with a man, and I thought I was going to b sick. I don't know if it was nerves or deep down I knew this wasn't for me. The second time a different man kissed me, all I felt was bored and I wanted it to end--even pushed him off of me. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why I couldn't get into it. I thought maybe I was asexual.

    When I kissed my ex girlfriend for the first time, it was like this huge 'aha' moment. I didn't want it to end, the butterflies in my stomach were insane and everything finally made sense. I was no longer confused about who I was or who I wanted.

    Everyone has different experiences. Sexuality isn't as black and white as people are lead to believe. Your journey is your own. And life can be messy and unpredictable--and even if things don't work out, I wouldn't say it was all for nothing. Things didn't work out for me and my ex, and even though it ended with her cheating, whatever our complicated relationship was, it wasn't for nothing. I learned a lot about myself being with her and what I want, and how I should be treated for future relationships. It could very well be the same for you.