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Seeking help - break/end of relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ravens97, Nov 17, 2018.

  1. ravens97

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    Hey all - I could really use some help and thoughts at this time. Some background - I’m 21, male, gay, and have been in two previous relationships prior to this, both of which lasted around 1-2 years. I’m currently set to graduate from college in a few weeks and enter the workforce, so the following situation is even more stressful - not to mention the fact that the holidays are approaching. it’s clouding my judgement about which coast I may possibly want to work in.

    My current boyfriend (20 turning 21 in a month) of a little over a year has asked for a ‘break. While we were together one day, he noticed pictures of shirtless celebrities I’d saved in my instagram for the first time and it triggered body insecurities and trust issues in him. The pictures meant nothing to me and I am extremely attracted to him. He knows this, but is now saying he can’t be in the relationship - he needs to work on issues alone. Digging further, he also mentioned some loss of feelings he’d still been having. (Back in September, we took a one week space from each other when he was feeling disconnected in relationship. 6 days in, we met up and spoke and I feel we got stronger. Since then, everything has felt fine and he even began mentioning a possible Hawaii trip we could go on next summer - all of course until now).

    So, we met up and he explained how he needs to be single, but doesnt want to break up. We agreed to be in some sort of “Pending” stage - not seeing others, but not talking/meeting up for an indefinite amount of time (could be 3 weeks, 3 months , a year, etc.) My boyfriend wasn’t very reassuring and didnt want to give too much hope. He explained how he wanted to take space and then get back together but wasnt sure when/if that might happen. Still, we didn’t break up and agreed instead to this relationship purgatory. He cited his fears about not wanting these issues to turn into larger isshes that may make us resent each other, cheat or abuse each other down the line. Of course, I understand that but believe issues need to be talked about and worked on as well. I’m sure most will disagree with my decision to agree to this indefinite break/limbo, but I truly do not want to break up. I do not want to break up and do not want to move on or have anybody else.

    This relationship has made me the happiest I’ve ever been. We share a compatability that I know is rare and espcially amongst other gays, I will not find. I love him deeply and picture a long term future with him - not imagining it with anyone else or even wanting to try with anyone else. We’ve traveled together to Ireland, Dominican Republic and other places - exploring, having fun and at the end of the day, laying down at 2 am in my bed just staring at each other.

    Now a day after we’ve spoken, I’m extremely depressed, anxious and scared and can’t function. I’m confused about when we should check in with each other (after x amount of time?) and to make matters worse, we originally had upcoming plans. Next month, I was going with him and his friends on a small nearby trip from Dec 19-21 and a few days after that, is my boyfriend’s 21st birthday celebration. Essentially, yes, I’m waiting around for him and the ball is in his court, but I’m terrified. I want this to work and I truly see him as special. I miss him so much just as I’m typing this and all of his stuff is still spread around my room.

    What should I do? Thoughts? In particular, what plan of action should I take - how long should I wait before reaching out to check in? I don’t want to lose him. Is he going to miss me and maybe be in a clearer head to work things out? Previous relationships haven’t been like this - when they were ending, I knew they should end but i tried anyway. This specific one is different. I miss my baby.
     
    UMedusa likes this.
  2. Billy the kid

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    Hey Buddy I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Is he going through some tough times? Maybe he just needs some space for a little bit? How long are you willing to go through this for? You've heard the saying if you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it'll come back. I would set a time limit on how long you are willing to go without him? I know this has got to hurt but use the time wisely for yourself. Always remember that you come first in your life. Take this time to focus on your goals, Career, physical health, family etc. gather all his stuff up and put it away in a place where your not seeing it every day. Catch up with other friends and keep busy with whatever you can. If you don't hear from him about the trip you're supposed to take consider contacting him a week prior? If you get no response for that I don't know. Send him a birthday card or gift. I would ask yourself how long you want to allow him his space. If you give him say till his birthday. I would talk to him or write him a letter explaining your feelings. You know the situation better than anyone I'm sure. Try not to worry about this right now. nothing ever comes from wasting your time worrying. Give him his space and focus on yourself for a while.
     
  3. smurf

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    Tough situation, but it sounds like you are bending yourself over backwards for this guy without keeping some boundaries to take care of yourself. If you don't create healthy boundaries then the relationship you are trying to protect will eat you alive.

    Its fine to go through hard times and figure different things to work it out, but your gut feeling is correct in the sense that this is not the right way. Leaving and ignoring the problem will not fix it.

    Basically, what he is doing is staying away from you long enough so that when you guys reconnect you both will experience the chemical reaction of love. You will be giddy again, be happy with the mundane, and experience the butterflies again. The problem is that that initial energy burst will ALWAYS go away. It usually last 3 - 5 months depending on the couple, but it will always go away.

    It sounds like he associated that energy going away to having problems in the relationship. Essentially he has to relearn what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like.


    Yes! Tell him that. Break whatever agreement you had, contact him and tell him this isn't working for you. That you understand he needs space and time, but you also have needs that need to be taken care of.

    Couples therapy should be your first option. If you are both in college this should be a free service at your campus.

    So break can work if done right, but this doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

    He isn't working on the root of the issue so these breaks will keep happening forever, and you are allowing someone to tread you this way which hints at some sort of issue that you might want to look into. Its not just love that is making it possible for him to treat you this way.
     
  4. ravens97

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    He texted me yesterday (breaking his own NC space) asking how I was and saying he was sad. I said - why? He said "Because I miss you". I asked if the trip and his birthday were a definite no and he said they weren't a definite no, but not a yes yet either. What do I do now?
     
  5. UMedusa

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    Oooh, this is so hard! I am sorry. :frowning2: You really appreciate your partner and cherish him. You deserve that same respect and attachment. Some people can't give that, and some can. Part of compatibility is how well you are able to balance the level of your commitment to a partner. It's great that he has so many of the traits you look for in a lover because now you know what you want.

    You really are between a rock and a hard place. Here is my advice, for what it's worth. You need to have the frame of mind that you are moving on, not that you are waiting to see what happens. Because you love him and your potential together so much, moving on probably doesn't look like rebounding into some other relationship right now anyway, so just plan to feel single for a while and see what develops for YOU. There are good chances that you will come back together in time, but there are chances you won't as well. If you do, great, you are both more confident in who you are separately and that will make you stronger as a couple. If you don't get back together, waiting around now is going to make you go nuts. You might do things to push him away more. You will stunt your growth. And you will waste this time waiting instead of grieving and healing. Show him how strong you are! Strength of character, paired with a desire to still need him, is very alluring.

    I feel like you need to advocate for yourself right now. You have told him how much you appreciate and love him. Consider the ball in his court and focus your devotion to yourself for a while. Some people just really suck at breaking up. You have to allow for that possibility-- that it might be over. Here are some song lyrics:
    Look to love you may dream,
    And if it should leave, then give it wings.
    But if such a love is meant to be;
    Hope is home, and the heart is free.

    ((hugs))
    Come what may, this is painful right now, being alone like this. Don't rationalize the pain away, it's real. Going forward, you shouldn't be hurt like this.
     
    Lone Wolfe likes this.