so, something i see often on here is that people suggest someone wait to come out until they have gained financial security from parents who are supporting them and who also happen to be opposed to their sexuality. what is the difference of doing this in a marriage? waiting to come out until you have secured stability in something else? i am simply asking because i have also seen some responses on here in regards to telling a spouse right away, but what is the difference? what are your thoughts?
I think they are both the exact same thing. When it comes to coming out my first concern is the survival of the person. I don't care if its moral, ethical etc I just want the person to be able to survive it. So in this case, I think its completely okay to remain in the closet while you become stable on your own. By that I mean having a place to live, your own money, and your own transportation. If the partner already has that then I do think people should try to work into coming out to their partner.
Over the last two-three years, I've often thought about this, particularly at what point does it become "taking advantage". I guess it depends on the individuals situation. If somebody is talking about telling their spouse/partner and they aren't expressing any concerns about finances, then they may get encouraged towards telling their partner. If they are expressing concerns, then they are generally encouraged to start taking steps towards independence first, before coming out to their partner. Depending on their opening post, one of the first things I normally ask is whether separating is a practical option for them. It also depends how sure they are about their sexuality and whether they are still questioning. In general, I think the more confident somebody is about being gay and their desire to end the relationship, for example, then the less fair it is on the other partner for the relationship to be maintained. The quality of the relationship is sometimes also factored in, but that's normally down to the person to judge for themselves. Some people have very supportive, patient and understanding partners/spouses, and in that scenario, they can often come out earlier in the process and without fear of being thrown out their house, for instance. Whether or there are children involved can make a difference. If it weren't for my daughter, then I'd have left years ago and moved back home. Not in every case, but it's generally women who come to EC without financial independence due to having spent years as the stay-at-home parent. I've also read posts from the working parent, concerned about what will happen to the stay-at-home parent if they were to separate. I've been doing this for over two years, so I've probably crossed the line into taking advantage. When I was first questioning, I really, really wanted out, but now I'm just used to it so I don't feel the push as much. I probably should have jumped earlier. My therapist had the opinion that my job went down the pan because I was so distracted by things at home, and that I need to leave my partner before finding another job, so I don't mess it up again. I don't think that there's a "right time", but I do think I've misjudged it. Staying for security's sake is not an easy option, but then neither is making the jump. Maintaining a relationship that you've got no interest in is not pleasant, and I'd say, in the long-term it's almost impossible to hide your unhappiness from your partner. It messes with your head too. It's horrible, to be honest, so I do think it's sometimes possible to wait too long.
