Scars of Our Youth

I take my hat off to you sir that was very well said and I just love learning from others. I'm really glad I saw this and I hope I retain this wisdom

 

My parents divorced and my mom married an abusive drunk. My dad married a psychotic woman who wanted to take full custody. A year after that he ditched her and also married a drunk. I have a good life. :/

 

My dad always worked insane hours by choice just because he liked work, so we didn't see him that much despite his office being just a few miles away. I'd see him maybe once every 3 days on average because he'd only come home to sleep the rest of the days. I didn't realize it at the time but now I see he pretty much decided work was more important than us.

With my dad always gone, my mom had to take care of all 5 of the kids herself, including my two disabled brothers. Since I'm the oldest I of course then had to help her with the rest of my siblings too, and still do. I was expected to always be the perfect Christian son who never did anything bad, always be the best in my class at school etc. and be a third parent to my disabled brothers. I'm also the only one capable of passing on the family name, which is important to my mom, and she's pretty much been telling me to get someone pregnant since I was about 16. Discovering being gay was not helpful for that and no matter how much I realize It's my life not hers, I still feel like a horrible son for not having given her the biological grandchildren she wants after all the things she did for me growing up.

I have issues with partying/drugs/alcohol/sex addiction that I've been working on. I'm not sure if they were caused by that but some of it might have been.

 

My dad and his bipolar which is still a problem to this day. The suicide attempts, the car which was a write off after 1: suicide attempt. Not having any money, not having a dad that could always work. Having both your parents in the mental hospital at the same time!!! Visiting the hospital and being scared because there were alot of weird people, not being disrespectful but as a child it was terrifying.
I still love you Dad xxx

 

He might have liked work. It also occurs to me that he might have been addicted to work.

First, even if you were straight, and got married, there is no guarantee of children to carry on the name. What would your mother do if your hypothetical wife turned out to be infertile? Suggest a nice divorce, and try again?

Secondly, biological children aren't necessarily impossible with a gay son. 1 gay guy + 1 lesbian + 1 turkey baster=biological kid for both the gay guy and the lesbian.

 

As for me...I'm sure I was affected by a lot that happened growing up. My family was probably dysfunctional (my father was very much a workaholic). A lot of events at school also probably took a negative toll on me. I had some very dysfunctional relationships with other kids at school. I think every "best friend" I had in elementary school was a relationship that had serious problems (like one kid who tended dominate and be in full control).

 

Yes, probably. An Annulment instead of a divorce to keep it religiously acceptable though. I wouldn't rule out her telling me to cheat on my wife until someone got pregnant too, her desire for grandchildren would override any other morals.

That's true. She wouldn't be thrilled about her grandchildren being raised by gay people either, but it's better than nothing and I might end up going that route one day.

 

I really appreciate the kind words. Thank you. I'm trying to create that beautiful life now, I just wish I had done things differently and not dug myself into such a large hole I now need to crawl out of.

 

On the outside, my family looked very middle to upper-middle class. But honestly, there were elements of my childhood that were dark and sordid.

My mother was bipolar I (a condition which I inherited in the form of bipolar II) and would have severe psychological breakdowns.. we’d be pawned off on different family members while my mother was in the hospital because my father was distant workaholic who couldn’t deal.

I was also molested for a number of years by a close family friend. I didn’t tell anyone until I was an adult, but by now the scars are deep. They’re not going away.

My brother was also a drug addict (heroin and meth) starting when I was 10. But, hey, we went to Catholic school and lived in a lot of pretty houses!

You’re certainly right. Appearances are deceiving.

 

Since this is a thread and not a dissertation I’m not gonna go into to much detail. But I agree we are influenced by the trauma from our past a lot. I’m always presenting this happy, joking, never meet a stranger guy to everyone. When you do this it really does keep people from asking too many questions about what’s going on inside.

I dealt with sexual abuse as a kid. Ages 4-8 by three males. Two of them only happened once and the other happened over a year period. One was in his 50’s (he was the first) the others in late teens. This really is one of the biggest reasons I had to be straight. I never wanted people to think that because I liked boys I wanted what happened to happen. I also always wonder what I had done to make them think it was ok... I didn’t really start addressing my sexuality issue till I admitted this happened and worked through this (everyone knew about the first one but not the others).

I also lost my little brother when I was 4, that was hard on my family. Mom never really came back from that. He died on my oldest brother’s birthday so that has always been a shadow there.

Lived with a terminally ill father (step dad but primary father figure) from the time I was 6. We literally watched him die over 23 years. Every time he’d go to hospital we’d think this is it and they’d tell us it was over. He’d recover and we go home thinking ok one more Christmas or birthday. Then it’d happen again.

Also struggled with anxiety and depression issues. Obvi the abuse and all this affected it but was never really treated properly.

Then at 10 I got sick. Was sick for over 15 years. Nearly died actually, they were doing compressions and all after I’d been in the hospital for over a week. I couldn’t eat or drink (hadn’t for nearly 2 weeks at this point). Well later discovered gluten poisons my body. It causes my digestive track to attack itself and actually mimics Crohn's diseases (which they had diagnosed me with when I was 24).

I refuse to be jaded because of all this. I struggle for sure (I mean do have bipolar type 2 disorder found that out last year). But life is short and if I have to force myself to see the positive side that’s what I’m gonna do!

 

I seem to write about my childhood a lot here, mainly about the negative aspects. Especially whenever I start a thread about education, it can be difficult refraining from doing so with such topics. However, I have also mentioned it in other subjects such as this one: https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...wish-this-wasnt-an-issue.477276/#post-6651418

Heck even when I make threads about moving on, shortly after I'm back to talking about it.

My relationship with my childhood is an odd one, I keep several items from that time and if you saw my collection you might be fooled into thinking that I miss it. But I don't. There are items on that shelf that make me uncomfortable due to my associations with them. Yet at the same time I like that stuff being there. It's a strange, irrational thing.

Now, I think it should be noted that there were positive moments in my childhood. Sometimes something as simple as drinking apple juice with lemonade makes me think of summer holidays spent in the garden, sitting in a miniature tent.

My past definitely still affects me. I'm often told that I'm too cynical for my age. My severe phobias (claustrophobia and also a fear of dolls) are a result of my childhood as well as my teenage years.

I can't sit in the middle of a table when at a family meal, otherwise I freak out and cool off in another room. Always has to be an end seat.

Too many uncomfortable memories about being squashed into places to feel at ease in such situations.

I'm often told that I'm being over dramatic, but I get anxious quite easily and often assume the worst. When people are nice to me, I have a tendency to question their motives and I don't know how to accept praise.