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Scared to start T because my boyfriend identifies as heterosexual

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by zoloftprince, May 7, 2023.

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  1. zoloftprince

    zoloftprince
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have been really wanting to start low dose testosterone, even had an appointment booked that I unfortunately had to cancel. My boyfriend of two years is incredibly supportive – I wasn't out when we started dating, but as I came to terms with my gender (for the second time, hah) he has been receptive, pretty great with my pronouns and assures me frequently that he doesn't see me as a girl. The only thing is, we are worried that he will lose sexual attraction to me if I start HRT as he has never been attracted to a guy like that and identifies as straight with the exception of me.

    I am trying my best to not take this personally, but I am honestly really scared of losing him. We discussed that if it comes down to it we would be comfortable opening our relationship sexually, but I am worried that losing our sexual chemistry will lead to him no longer being romantically attracted to me. I'm worried not feeling sexually desirable to him will take a toll on me. I'm worried he won't want to touch me or kiss me anymore, and not knowing what line I could potentially cross to cause that is really freaking me out. I truly believe we have a special kind of love and we both want to be together for life, but I'm afraid I'll be ruining what we have if I start HRT. It makes me feel like I don't want to take the risk because he is so much more important to me than appearances, but on the other hand I am so tired of not feeling seen in my life and I think I would be happier with a more masculine presentation. He is really encouraging me to take this step, but I can't help feeling like I trapped him into a gay relationship or that this is going to lead to me losing him down the line. Is it worth it?
     
    #1 zoloftprince, May 7, 2023
    DragonChaser likes this.
  2. DragonChaser

    DragonChaser
    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    First off, hello, zoloftprince! I'm Lydia and being here on EC has helped me come out of the closet as trans both socially and professionally, so please stay a while and make a few connections It's very worth it!

    There are a lot of different boards on a variety of all LGBTQ+ related topics of interest, including a welcome board if you'd like to introduce yourself and meet some new people! There's always an admin around for helpful accessibility links and such, but I'm too lazy to get into that and I'd rather address your concerns!

    So moving into that, and I've got a lot to say so buckle in, I would open by saying that he needn't consider himself bisexual or homosexual to be with someone who is genderqueer - and forgive me if that was only the most proximate label to your actual, I'm just going by available information.

    If he's attached to that label, whatever the reason, fine. There is nothing wrong with a straight cis person being in a relationship with someone isn't one of those or who is neither of those things and no one with any sense to them questions such things. Gender and sexuality are both spectrums and nobody falls entirely in one place, especially as our perception of the world expands.

    However, and I don't mean to play armchair psychologist, but you said "we are worried" not "I am worried," and - unless you were misspeaking - I really feel like that shows he harbors a bias of some kind that he hasn't yet addressed. I also find it slightly distressing to hear you using the phrase "trapped him in a gay relationship."

    I suppose I have two questions, really; why do you use that specific phrasing, and what changes do you fear he might reject? If they're too personal, do not go into detail, but at least ask yourselves what you're afraid he's going to find so unattractive as to fall out of love with you.

    Anyway, I'm sure you'll have more replies so I'll stop talking your ear off now. Thanks for joining, sweetheart, I hope you find answers soon. Big hugs! ^_^
     
    #2 DragonChaser, May 7, 2023
  3. Nameerf76

    Nameerf76
    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm sure others will chime in with similar comments - and I hope this doesn't sound harsh - but you MUST put your own, personal well-being and sense of self above ANYONE else's - I totally understand the guilt and worry but if you put off looking after yourself for the sake of your relationship, it will almost certainly make things worse later...
    Like I said I hope it doesn't sound harsh but you probably know this already..!
     
    #3 Nameerf76, May 7, 2023
  4. Aspen

    Aspen
    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You’re not trapping him in a gay relationship. He’s supportive of you, says he doesn’t see you as a girl, and still loves you. That’s a great thing, no matter what it means for his sexuality.

    I don’t want to scare you, but there are a thousand reasons why relationships don’t work out in the long-term. People disagree about where to live, whether to have children, what kind of life they want to lead. People change throughout their lives and sometimes that means we’re not compatible with the people we used to be. It’s sad when it happens, but sometimes relationships evolve with that change and they continue to last.

    What I’m saying is you’re both going to go through a lot of changes in life, most of which won’t have anything to do with gender or sexuality. Don’t put off something that you think will make you happier just because of what might happen.
     
    #4 Aspen, May 9, 2023
    chicodeoro likes this.
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