Scared to come out at 51

We can only live in the now. You owe it to yourself to live the life you want. Coming out is not easy but it is the only honest means I know of to finally be able to embrace our same sex attraction. For me it was total liberation and such a feeling of relief. Sure it presented complications and discomfort but in the end it was well worth it. To finally and unequivocally say openly I was a gay man was one of the most wonderfully joyous experiences of my life. It freed me from years of lies and the self imposed shackles of heterosexuality. I wish the same for you.

 

All of this sounds so familiar to me. Even after I began to have sex with men I always told myself I was just playing and exploring. I didn't even want to think about being bi or gay. But slowly I realized it was a part of who i was and I accepted that i was bi. The last man I was with which was over ten years ago was the first time it wasn't just about sex. He was also the first gay man I was ever with and it was so much more intensive and just mindblowing. It was intimate and loving and emotional. For the time I kissed a man and it blew me away. The only bad part which I now look on as not bad at all was that I realized that I might be gay and that scared me. Even though the sex and the rest was the best of my life i pulled away from him which I regret to this day. Now I so want to enjoy and find that special man again but with Covid I can't even look. I can admit to myself that I could very well be gay and it no longer scares me. It has only strengthened my resolve to read of others on here.

 

It's never too late

 

Well for me kissing a man does nothing for me.. no desire to feel razor stubble against my face..

But Sex that’s a different story I love the way if feels for a man to make love to me..

When I’m 100 % honest I love gay sex..

But on the other hand I love the softness of a women and much prefer to cuddle with them

Yes I’m a mess!!

 

I have always loved gay sex, but it wasn't until the last man that i was with that i understood what it could really be iike with another man. I had never desired or thought about kissing a man either until then. Having said that I would say each person had his own desires and that is completely fine. You are really not a mess at all.....

 

Certainly we all have personal preference in sexual matters however I would miss the sensual aspects of kissing, hugging, cuddling etc with another man. Every aspect of gay sex is important in my opinion. For me I need the romance, sensuality and erotic quality of a gay sexual experience to heighten the pleasure.

 

I agree completely. With the right man I am really into is like the best sexual and sensual experience there is

 

Thank you! I really have a hard time with my feelings..

 

I have recently come out to my family at the age of 60. I have a wife and five children between the ages of 21 and 29; the oldest is living overseas. I have been separated and living alone for the past few years, but up until the Covid-19 lockdowns, I'd been visiting the family home regularly. Here is the outcome:

• Wife: at first interested, then amazed, then finally distraught and shattered. Not because of my sexuality, but because I'd been hiding it for so long, and allowing her to hope that one day, somehow, we might get back together.
• Eldest son (via email): incredibly warm and supportive, the "I'm really happy for you" sort of messages.
• Second son (who is himself gay): very hurt that I should have needed to have hidden for so long - does this mean I was ashamed of my feelings, and what might that mean about my feelings towards him?
• Daughter (with whom I've always had a good bond): somewhat hurt, but basically OK.
• Next son (oldest of twins): beyond furious; very much siding with his mother, and wrote me a long email which was like being whipped with barbed wire. Currently he wants nothing at all to do with me.
• Youngest son (next twin, who is autistic) sees emotions sort of in the abstract, I don't think he really cares all that much, and kept saying seriously: "I hope that some growth will come out of this", which is the best thing anybody has said so far.
• My mother (89, very frail, and housebound), interested, sorry for the upset it had caused me and the family, asked "how long had I known" (about myself that is - well, all my life), and was I OK?
• My brother: absolutely fine; no dramas, seemed vaguely impressed that I should make such a momentous step. Has offered support.
• Oldest and dearest friend now living overseas (also gay; has been with his partner for about 35 or more years, they have an adopted son): understanding and supportive, said that I should not blame myself for my family's feelings.
• Another local friend, who I hadn't spoken to for a while; rang to say "I hear you've come out as gay, now?" to which I agreed. No dramas there. In fact his wife is a younger sister of my gay friend, and I've known her since she was a child.
• My "gentleman friend" who is very indirectly the cause of my coming out now: blames himself, to which I've been saying no no. I haven't been able to see him since I came out as he's been in enforced isolation pending some Covid-19 testing (he's in healthcare). Tells me every day how much he loves me and can't wait for us to be together.

So there you go. Lessons from this? You simply can't tell! But if you spring it on people unannounced, as I did to my family, I suppose you have to expect a period of adjustment to this new reality. And in my case, some serious bridge-building to do when people are in a more constructive and less judgmental state of mind.

 

I don’t think anyone who has gone through the coming out process especially if you did so later in life after being in a straight relationship will argue that it isn’t a hard road. Loved ones naturally will feel a sense of disconnection, in some cases betrayal, anger and 1000 other emotions. It would be foolish not to expect some rebuilding of relationship albeit on a different level with some and some just might permanently disconnect. These complications can’t be avoided in most cases. All we can do it live our lives as we see fit. To live our truth is an obligation we all have regardless of sexual orientation. Ultimately everyone’s emotional health and happiness depend on our being honest about our same sex attraction. Living a long term lie unhappy and unfulfilled helps no one. If there was a way to avoid this pain if we would all take it. However embracing our true sexuality is not for the faint of heart but in the end is worth it.

 

You're in the right place and no one here will judge you. Welcome. That's because this is very common on this site: getting married, being in love at the time, having kids, being a good parent, and doing what's expected of you.

We, as a society, are warming up to counseling. I suggest it. I suggest that initially, or maybe the entire time, go on your own. To get the most objective view, since yours has a ripple effect more than that of unmarried, childless people, try to get a therapist who can see all sides. I think that would mean one who is not militant and one who is not going to suggest conversion therapy. Then, they can help you plan a strategy that addresses the issue honestly and considers how to handle some of the fall out. You have to feel comfortable with a therapist and the gut is a good indicator of the comfort level.

I'm just curious. If you were already sexually active as a teen, how did it progress to marriage? Everyone's story is different. This same progression happened for so many here on the forum and countless men and women in real life. You mention she suspects you're gay. Does she add detail to this or just blurt it out? It would be helpful to know some of the context.

I recommend therapy and support and I also recommend constantly reminding yourself that you're a good person just trudging along the unpredictable path that's called life. My path has been pretty weird. I've been in therapy and it has kept me from bouncing off the walls.