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Scared to come out at 51

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Darrell, Jun 28, 2020.

  1. Darrell

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    I am a 51 year old male. I have been in the closet since I was in the 7th grade (this was when I started having sex with men). I have been living a lie for most of my life.
    I have been married to a woman for twenty years. She suspects that I am gay but, I have not admitted it.
    I need to know how to approach the subject. I know that I am going to lose friends and maybe even some family. But, the stress is getting to be too much. We have 4 beautiful children and my parents are not well, healthwise.
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
     
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  2. Needhelp3

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    Wow you and I sound like the same person..

    It’s funny how the wife knows.i have also been married 25 years and my wife thinks I’m gay.. (Knows)

    We should have a place where we all could meet and discuss.. Living a lie is not good for us or our Wife’s !!
     
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  3. Darrell

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  4. don72tx

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    I did not come out to my wife until recently and I feel so much better that i did because it had kind of been eating me up for years. Thankfully she was okay with it besides being totally surprised that I was bi. I had already come out to a few gay friends including a woman who had been encouraging to me to come out to my wife. The only problem is that I have not told her exactly where I am in my sexuality which is still a bit confused as I know i am closer to being gay that bi, but I still do have love and some sexual desires for her. I would say only you can decide what to do about coming out to your wife, but from what you said she already suspects. Good luck in whatever road you take! I know I am much happier about telling my wife.
     
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  5. Darrell

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    Thank you sooo much. I know that I am gay. I love my wife. But, sexually, I have no desire to be with her, anymore. I love being with men. My homosexuality started when I was very young. Now, my only desire is men.
    I just need to grow a spine and tell her, our children, my parents (god forbid) and a few select friends.
     
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  6. don72tx

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    It was very, very hard to finally come out to my wife, but lucky she took it well and i am so very happy now that I did. You never know how your spouse might react, but it sounds like your wife might already think or know you are and hasn't blown up on you. Along with coming out to my wife i have also started seeing a therapist because i still have issues with where i really am and also that i was sexually abused in my early teens by an older friend. Again, good luck......
     
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  7. Darrell

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  8. Darrell

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    She will be easy to talk to. My parents and the rest of my family, I am not sure about.
    I’m sorry to hear that you were sexually abused as a child. I just started early with a friend. Very young to say the least.
    Thank you for your encouragement. And good luck.
     
  9. don72tx

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    I started very young too with a friend camping out in his backyard with a homemade tent one summer. The abuse came later with an older boy and I pushed it away so far into my head that I didn't even remember it until a few years ago. My therapist and I have been working through that and it's long term effect on my sexuality.

    As for coming out to your family and others, I am in the same boat. But having come out to my wife, I would really like to come out to others but that is scary and i have to be so very careful. Still, I do want to be more open about myself with others and I feel that need strongely.
     
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  10. Contented

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    Darrell I was of a similar age when I realized that my homosexuality was always there. I knew that I had to make changes to my life. I was no longer interested in being in a heterosexual relationship of any kind. Like you I wanted to be with a man. The desire became so strong I couldn’t deny it. At the end I was not physically capable of being intimate with her any longer nor did I have slightest interest. It was scary but I decided to make the break and move on. I have never looked back nor missed it. I am no longer afraid to say I love men period!
     
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  11. Darrell

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  12. Darrell

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    I started in elementary school with a neighbor who was in my class. Then, by the time I was in the 7th grade and going through puberty, I was having sex with 3 different guys my age on a regular basis. One of whom I continued to have sex with until a couple of years ago.
    As far as marriage, I thought that it was what guys were supposed to do. I wish that I had thought it through a lot more. I have not been fair to my wife and kids, living this lie. My wife has said that if I am, she will support me. But, she wouldn’t be able to stay married to me. I am so incredibly scared.
     
  13. don72tx

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    I can understand your fear and how scared you must be. It's a tough choice on which way to go. I don't know how my wife would react if i came out gay instead of bi, but I know her reaction and acceptance might not be the same. Wish you the best luck and my thoughts are with you.
     
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  14. Darrell

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    Thank you so much. I need all the support I can get.
     
  15. Darrell

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  16. Darrell

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    I have always loved men. But, when I was growing up..... men were not supposed to love men. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. Now, I am so sorry that I married a woman. I am not physically attracted to women at all.
    My biggest problem, right now is that I absolutely love the way it feels, physically to be with a man. However, knowing what I am doing, it tears me up, emotionally.
     
  17. Contented

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    Darrell in retrospect I feel exactly the same, I wish I had never married a woman however we cannot change the past. Like you I saw as became more comfortable with the idea of same sex relationships that I was never really attracted to women. I pretended until later in life the dam burst and all those “gay” emotions would not be denied. I understand completely the thrill, sensuality and erotic nature of being with another man. It’s been almost three years for me and that love of everything about being with another man remains as great as ever. I could never go back nor would I be able to go back to a woman. I know 100% I would be physically unable to do so and frankly the idea now just grosses me out. If I have one regret it’s that I wish I had come out as a teen and had never put myself through the years of doubt and heterosexual torture.
     
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  18. Darrell

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    Boy! You nailed it! I wish that I had come out as soon as I started having sex with men. That was in the 7th grade. I have been lying to myself and my family for almost 40 years. It gives me hope hearing your story.
     
  19. Contented

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    I too lied to myself for many years only to look back and see so many wasted years. I know the socially acceptable thing to say is that those years were a growing experience blab, blab. I don’t see it that way. For me in retrospect I see unhappiness, confusion, pain and decades of lying about who I really am. Being with another man has released so much negativity from me in addition to the emotional and sexual fulfillment it has offered. Even with all the issues and problems of homosexuality in those days I would have preferred to have been out and never have been in a straight relationship. We live with our mistakes in the rear view mirror and the only direction is forward. Good luck as you navigate your path to authenticity.
     
    #19 Contented, Jul 6, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2020
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  20. Darrell

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    Thank you sooo much. I wish that I would have been honest and come out. But, it is time for me to move forward and live the life that I enjoy.