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Scared of going to hell

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by anonmember, Aug 2, 2019.

  1. Mysteria

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    I've been reading this thread with interest. I've been a Christian since I was 10-11 and I finally left it at the age of 38. Other then a brief period of leaving before, I was either fundamentalist Christian or conservative Catholic that whole time. My parents were not Christians, like you, I chose it for myself at the encouragement of a friend (who I am still close to this day). I'm also divorced, with seven children that I only get to see once a week, and I'm living way below the poverty level while I try to go to school in part because I married hiding the fact that I was bisexual (leaning heavily towards lesbianism). Unlike many of the people in the later in life section, I loved and was attracted to my spouse. But I was more attracted to women and that among other things triggered a constant, severe depression. I've tried to take my own life twice, I've been in the hospital more times then I care to remember. Yes, there is genuine mental illness there that likely would have been triggered whether or not I was being honest with myself.

    But there's also a genuine thing that goes on when you live your life out of a fear of hell. That's not a life. Like you, I was afraid of hell- well, death in general but hell in particular- and that's one of the reasons I converted. But I've came to the decision there is something very perverted and wrong in living a life out of fear. I can honestly say, other then a few brief periods, I never felt better as a Christian, it never helped my depression, and my sexuality did not go away. Yours won't either. If this faith has not 'cured' your depression, what makes you think it's going to cure your sexual desires?
     
  2. Benway

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    I don't think that's what he's saying, I think he's saying his faith could control his urge to "sin." It's a subtle difference, but I see where he's coming from, even though it won't work.
     
  3. Mysteria

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    That makes sense, but I would still say that if it did not give you the power over your depression you wanted, how is it going to give you the power over your sexual desires?
     
  4. Benway

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    Probably because they appear to be two different psychological entities.
     
  5. Unsure77

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    Feeling something and acting on it are two different things. I think religious shame can “help” you avoid living your gay life. It can’t make you not feel gay feelings and more than it can make you not be depressed.

    And in my case, personally, the shame ultimately created and fed depression. It’s why I worry about anon a little.
     
    #125 Unsure77, Dec 3, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2019
  6. Chip

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    The problem is, even if you somehow resist the actions, you can't change the feelings because those are hardwired. And living a life where you feel something but are constantly told, reminded, or otherwise shamed into not acting on those feelings creates a sense of unworhiness, that you're somehow not good enough and you don't belong... because you can't love people of the opposite sex as others can.

    So the idea that one can be gay but simply "not act on it" and be happy is inherently fraught with a loss of worthiness and feeling of shame. Not something I'd wish on anyone.
     
  7. Unsure77

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    It made me hate myself every time I had a crush or every time I noticed a beautiful woman. It made me gain 60lbs to make it easier to sort of hide in plain sight (because I didn’t want to be approached for heterosexual relationships or asked about them). It made me hold people (essentially everyone) at a distance because I was afraid they’d figure out my shameful secret...that I liked women. It made me dissociate....a lot...a whole lot to cope. I dissociated to ignore women and I dissociated to ignore how sad I was. It made me afraid of beautiful women...to even look at or speak to them. It made me question my value in even existing...even living if I couldn’t be a happy, heterosexual wife like churches like that teach is your job. It made me feel socially isolated because I didn’t fit that mold and wasn’t meeting other people like me (other queer people). It made going to weddings bittersweet. (I was always happy for my friends, but it always just reminded me how alone I was and was going to stay because love wasn’t possible for me). And I knew it was only going to get worse as I aged. So, I basically didn’t give a damn about my healthy because why prolong this?

    I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. There’s no way living that way is a loving God’s plan.
     
    #127 Unsure77, Dec 4, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
  8. Unsure77

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    And to be clear, I made a choice. I chose to live like that. I allowed bigoted assholes to convince me this was God’s path for me. I allowed them to convince me that I was screwed up and my best path was to just sort of sit to the side and wait to die. And it nearly ended my life and there’s a good chance it shortened it between the stress and the unhealthy way I was living. It was my choice.

    But I’m sharing this in hopes that I did stupid things with my life so Anon doesn’t have to.
     
  9. Benway

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    It's unfortunate the sexuality is such a large part of us that we simply cannot control.

    I wrestled with it for years, not for any religious reasons but because an enemy of mine is gay and I simply didn't want to be like him. I didn't want to believe that I was anything like him. So I pressed my sexuality down, deeper and deeper, but it kept rearing its ugly, fat head. Nothing you can do or say will stop it, no amount of praying or counseling or shock treatment can tame the monster that is sexuality and I don't know why. Someone once told me that my sexuality is such a "small part" of who I am, but that's not true. It's a huge part of who someone is because no matter what they do, they can't appease it in any way because of its raw power.

    It's worse for homosexuals and bisexuals, male or female because this all-powerful, all-consuming part of us controls us and there's nothing we can do about it and it creates a stigma that lasts with us the rest of our lives. Some people embrace it, others try to push it down through prayer, even though that never works. I simply resent my sexuality. I don't deny it anymore, but I do practice voluntary celibacy even though I can load up an app and get laid any time I want, I don't because my incredibly high libido and sex drive impair my judgement and I start doing things I shouldn't do like not using a condom and throwing caution to the wind when it comes to safe behavior.

    It's been over two years since I've had sex. I got myself tested for HIV/STDs in April just to make sure I was clean, which I was (which is surprising because I've never once used a condom during sex) and decided that I've got the internet, I have a whole world wide web of pornography open to me to fulfill my fantasies and if I need to get off, I'll do it there.

    Ultimately there's nothing anyone can do about their sexuality, it's simply far too powerful to even be tampered with.
     
  10. Unsure77

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    Yeah, I’m not looking for hookups or anything but I’m done putting my life on hold and I’m done letting people who worship Donald Trump shame me over sexual ethics.
     
  11. Dreamsexul

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    I just saw this thread ... I totally sympathise with all who struggle with religious issues.
    It took me years to reconcile their identity with their theology, and is still an ongoing process.

    But right now, I'm happier than I have been for a long time. I'm a Christian, but I'm also a universalist, and an open LGBT+ :slight_smile:
     
  12. anonmember

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    You don't need to worry about me. You don't even know who I am.
     
  13. Shadow N

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    I would say live your life and experience your sexuality in a responsible way (no point of living life like you are dead already), life is for experiencing. I used to be scared before my first experience but learned a lot from it and would not exchange it for all the gold and wealth in the world (for me it was the best Christmas present that I have received, more than anything material that I had received so far) and thank life for it. My advice don't listen to religious stigmas (at the end you only have yourself so love yourself first before loving anyone else), after being raised and studied in a Catholic school environment I realised that is worthless to follow rules that limit you and your own self and creativity and just let life unfold and show you it's true beauty without prejudice, complete honesty and openness in order for you to know the real you. Even though I still have fears and still understanding my sexuality and why I reacted the way I did (since I never was or got in touch with my animalistic side thanks to my catholic upbringing I am still gripping with myself in order to understand this not intellectual side of me represented by sexuality, also it's lessons are very important in order to gain complete understanding of the self).
     
  14. AutismCay

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    Listen the Bible that Jesus called the "Eunuchs" blessed. That was a slang for queer or sexually nonconforming. By the he actually blessed a relationship between between a man and teenage boy. Read an honest translation about the beloved servant of the Roman legionary.

    Jesus tolerated things we would not like having male concubines.

    If some guy with a male concubine got into heaven. You will.

    By the way all Paul said was that homosexuality could be the result sin not actually a sin itself.
     
  15. AutismCay

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    By the way please don't yourself a male concubine.
     
  16. AutismCay

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    Yeah Sodom and Gomorrah are slowly being swept under the rug. Years bad theology being pretended like it did not exist.

    Like the verses people used to wrongly oppress blacks.
     
  17. Unsure77

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    I care because you’re a human being. It’s one of the more important tenets of the religion you’re espousing.
     
  18. AutismCay

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    Please No One Get Themselves A Male Concubine... I am just a Bible Expert with no filter....
     
  19. Chip

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    I was actually going to post the exact same thing. Christianity teaches us to love one another without judgment. And a few branches of it actually practice that. Unfortunately, so many others do that in a really half-assed way; the 'hate the sin, love the sinner' thing is just bullshit when you are dealing with hardwired sexual orientation.

    So yes, it's quite possible to care for someone you've never met and don't actually know who they are. And I know that a lot of regular contributors at EC do care, simply because we get so many PMs from members prompting us to check in with other members who seem to be struggling. One of the many truly lovely things about this community.
     
  20. AutismCay

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    Yeah, I am that way too despite not being Christian. I think that's my weakness.