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Scared, confused

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Blanched, Oct 13, 2021.

  1. Blanched

    Regular Member

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    This fall I went to college, leaving my boyfriend of 10 months who is in his last year of high school. This summer he will be going to basic training for the national guard.

    I thought everything was going okay, for being away from him. Until yesterday when we were talking, and I asked how he was doing. He didn't respond. I asked him again and he joked it off, until this happened.



    Me: For real
    Are you okay


    Boyfriend: What


    How are you doing


    Why


    Because I asked you


    I’m not doing great, but the things said before were all meant as jokes
    I’m not mad at you


    Yeah I know they were jokes
    I was just concerned you didn’t answer me when I asked how you were the first time
    Can I help


    No
    I am mad at myself, I am going to fuck things up


    What are you talking about


    Never mind
    It doesn’t matter


    Boyfriend, I love you so much. I’m always here for you and you can talk to me about anything. You don’t need to talk about this with me if you don’t want to but you definitely can.


    Your too nice to me


    No I’m not
    You deserve it for being so nice to me


    You deserve better than me. I’m sorry.


    You don’t need to be sorry
    You are the best I can have no matter what


    Stop being nice to me.
    I need time to sort shit out, I’m not in a good mind state right now.


    I won’t. That is okay. I’ll be here


    Don’t say something nice.
    Good


    I love you Boyfriend


    Stop
    I’m sorry


    It is okay. Really.


    No it’s not.
    It’s not fine
    You don’t know, don’t say it’s fine. Your too nice to me. I’m sorry I hate this
    This is stupid
    I’m sorry
    Don’t say anything more
    I’m sorry





    I didn't say anything else until today at 7pm. I said "I love you" and I didn't get a response.
    I am so scared and confused about what is wrong. I'm afraid he's going to break up with me. I just don't know what to do and I just want to fix this because I love him so much and I can't lose him.
     
    #1 Blanched, Oct 13, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2021
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    First, I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's got to be gut-wrenching to have him far away and not be able to do anything about it.

    The unfortunate reality is, very few long-distance relationships that start in high school survive much beyond the first semester of college. One or the other person decides they can't handle being separated. And of course, we can't control anyone else's behavior.

    My best suggestion is to give him space. If he feels the same way you do, with the same commitment level, then things will work out. If he doesn't, there really isn't anything you can do about it. So for the things we can't control, the best we can do is to let go and let the chips fall where they may.

    I know that's not what you want to hear.
     
  3. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry you're going through this, @Blanched. Long-distance relationships can be incredibly rough, and as Chip said, they seldom work out. That doesn't mean they can't, but that there is a lot of hardship involved and that in order for them to survive, both people have to really want it.

    I'm not sure what's going on with your boyfriend, but I don't think there's much you can do. I think, also as Chip said, you need to give him some space. Maybe give him a day or two before messaging him again, and when you do, try to limit it. If after a week or so things don't seem to be getting any better, it might be in your best interest to ask him to be upfront with you: tell him if he's thinking about ending the relationship, you at least have a right to know why. It wouldn't be fair for him to do otherwise. But also make it clear that, if he's not sure where you two stand or the issue is something outside of the relationship, you're willing to listen to whatever's troubling him.

    If he refuses to open up, I don't think there's a lot you can do. Whatever the outcome, I hope things work out for the better. I hope he plucks up the courage to at least be honest with you and give you a definitive answer.
     
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  4. Blanched

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    He broke up with me. Said he didn't ever actually love me, that he just got comfortable around me. That he never actually wanted a life with me.

    I trusted him the most I possibly could, he's the only person I've ever trusted that much. And he told me he was lieing. I can't believe I wasted so much time with someone who didn't mean it when he said I love you.
     
  5. BiGemini87

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    I'm so, so sorry. :frowning2: I wonder if perhaps he really wanted to love you and hoped that with time, he could? Either way, I'm sorry he hurt you like that. Breakups are never easy, but they're particularly difficult when they're not mutually decided upon.

    It's going to be rough for a while, so try to be kind and patient with yourself. If you need to have a good cry or need a couple of days to grieve, try to let yourself have that time. It's the only way to heal. <3
     
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  6. Jesse1212

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    I am sorry you are going through this. I have been where he is. When I feel like I screw everything up and don't deserve anything. It is just hard and I hope you get through it.
     
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  7. PatrickUK

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    I'm sorry this happened and I'm sorry he said all of that to you. Just keep in mind that some people say very harsh things when they break up with someone in order to draw a definite line and cut off any further dialogue. They want to end it without discussion and think cruel remarks are the best way to close it down, even if the remarks don't mirror their real feelings. It's no great consolation to know that, but it may help you in moving forward.

    Give yourself a bit of time without falling into the tendency to wallow. Meeting and dating people is something of a learning curve and even bad experiences help us to define what we are really looking for from life and love. What can you take from this experience?