Hi. My name is Amanda, I’m 22 years old and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 7 years almost. I never know where to start so I’ll start at the beginning... When I was in 6th grade, I meet a girl. We became friends and then we became more than that, girlfriends. 6th grade relationships are silly usually but it definitely meant a lot to both of us because we were just now seeing this different way of life basically because I had only seen boy/girl relationships. It started when I was waiting for my dad in the car and saw two girls kiss in their car in front of me. It confused me, but was so interesting and beautiful to me, even at such a young age. So I told her and we ended up kissing to see what it was like and we dated after, until summer of 7th grade, when my dad and stepmom found out from finding texts of us flirting, etc... Needless to say, I got in SO much trouble. Like... words cannot describe. I was told I was disgusted, it’s gross, I’m not gay, i’m just confused, blah blah. They actually moved me schools and her parents moved her into a private school. My mom let us hang out still because I told her we were over it, it wasn’t that serious, but we would still kiss and still liked each other. Up until 8th grade when I lost contact with her. Between 8th-10th grade I liked a lot of girls and kissed a few of them too. I always loved the feeling. But my parents were completely against it so I was always scared. Mid 10th grade I met my current boyfriend, and we’re still together now. Healthy, good relationship for the most part. But I recently, maybe a month or so ago, went into a bad depression, I was having panic attacks and other things and I broke down one night by myself in the shower and FINALLY told myself I’m bisexual. I like girls. I LIKE GIRLS. But it’s breaking my apart... because I’ve been with him for so long and it’s very comfortable, but I never fully got to be this other side of myself and I want to experience that too before I marry this man one day maybe, so it really sucks. Only 2 of my friends know and lucky they’re so supportive and it’s amazing.. but I know even know if I should or can tell him. I’ve brought up my kids being gay or lesbian or trans, etc and he’s like “no fuck that my kid won’t be gay” and I HATE it. So how would be feel about me coming out? I’m very confused and I cry about it almost everyday... I need help and guidance because I’m losing my mind. Recently I haven’t even (TMI) wanted to have any sexual relations with him, I’m not in the mood to with HIM bc all i’m thinking about is girls.. I dunno. Please help me... Thank you.
I am sorry that after such a long relationship that you have found that your boyfriend turns out to be homophobic. If the cannot even think of theoretical children being possibly gay then I REALLY doubt that he will react positively to you coming out. Given that you are pretty sure that you want to explore more AND his attitude it might be best to end the relationship with him, take time to recover and then move on. Oh, and since this is your first post, welcome.
Hi, I’m sorry that you’re in this position. It must be very hard to discover your boyfriend’s attitude to LGBT people and also to realise your own sexuality whilst already in a long term heterosexual relationship. I can relate as I was in a long term relationship with a man when I started questioning my sexuality. You say that you are comfortable with your boyfriend, but are you happy? I was comfortable with my ex because it was familiar, but I was also deeply unhappy. Given his comments about LGBT people, is this somebody that you could really see yourself marrying? Do you think you could be fulfilled and happy? Over time the weight of having to hide your true self usually gets harder to bear, rather than easier. Have a think about what a future with him might look like and whether that’s what you really want, particularly as he seems unlikely to be accepting of your sexuality. If you do decide that it would be better to go your separate ways then don’t feel that you have to come out to him, particularly if you fear his reaction. If you are concerned for your safety, then do not come out to him in any circumstances. My ex was abusive and I was concerned about his reaction to finding out about my sexuality, so I didn’t tell him. He’s aware of lots of other reasons why I left the relationship though, but not that one. Separating might be painful for a while, but keep in mind that living a pretence and being in a unfulfilling, unhappy relationship are also very painful. Be kind to yourself and take care.
Amanda! .....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. You say that the relationship is "comfortable" but you never say that you actually love him. Have you tried to picture what your life would be like in say 10 or 20 years both with him and without him? Do you like, do you feel satisfied with either of those futures? There are a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals who have let society/parents/religion tell them how to live their lives and then they wake up years later to the fact that they are very unhappy with the choice that they allowed others to push them into. Even though you have been with your boyfriend for quite a while it's not too late for you to take the time to discover who you really are, to explore your sexuality. I'm not try to say just dump him! It could turn out that you do love him and that you are more comfortable in a heterosexual relationship. The point is to give yourself some time to better understand your sexuality. Have you thought about talking to a therapist? If you could find a therapist that lists LGBTQ+ issues as part of his practice, it could be a really good idea to make an appointment or two. Talking to someone who is completely outside the situation that you are in can often be a really big help! Please keep us up to date on how all this is going! Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care. .....David
