So a bit of context: I am an FTM trans boy, I'm 14 years of age and I'm currently not on HRT (hormone replacement therapy) or hormone blockers. I wear a binder and getting a packer soon. I know I'm not a girl. That's something I can say for certain. I always felt different but couldn't explain why or how. I knew what transgender meant but I never thought I could be that. I came out at the beginning of this year and Its taken me years to finally accept myself and my sexuality. My dysphoria is hell and I cant do simple day to day things ( showering, changing, going out, etc...) without getting massive waves of gender dysphoria and break down. I'm looking forward to starting hormones in a couple of years but I'm also nervous. I don't want to look like a completely different person. Just a more masculine version of myself now (facial hair, lower voice, more masculine physique, etc...). I want the changes to happen but I also want to recognize myself. Sometimes I worry if when I get put on hormones I won't like the way Ill look. I can't stand my current body but I'm also scared of not looking attractive. I've been told by people that I won't look like a handsome guy. I am still quite feminine meaning I like things that are seen as feminine things and this sometimes causes me to doubt my masculinity. Sometimes during my period Ill have this feeling of want to have a baby (not now) but by carrying it myself. I would never think like this at any other time. I don't know if this is a period thing or what. I've always pictured myself getting married in a dress, but now I can't stand the thought. I would however like a more detailed tux. Perhaps something resembling a more masculine dress. I'm definitely not a girl and dream of the day where my body will be masculine. Is this bad that I think like this? I need advice.
Just because you identify as male doesn't mean you have to live by heteronormative male standards. I identify as male, and when I'm shopping with my sister, I'll see a certain dress and think "Ooh, that's cute." Just watch Queer Eye or RuPaul's Drag Race, and you'll know that men liking "girly" things is not uncommon.
With transitioning, taking hormones won't make you look like a different person. And since the changes themselves take time, it gives you a chance to adjust to looking a little different. I kind of think of it as looking like a "male twin" version of yourself, if that makes sense. As for being attractive... well, that is something anyone trans or not worries about. But at the end of the day, there is always going to be someone who thinks you are attractive. And there are also other things beyond looks alone that are important, like your personality and mannerisms, that another person might find attractive in you. I was called a "pretty girl" pre-transition, but never thought I'd turn out a handsome guy. I still have difficulty seeing anything in myself that could be attractive. Yet there have been several people who have been interested in dating me, and I ended up dating one guy for a while who I thought was way out of my league. It was really affirmative for someone to think that I was attractive, because I'd never thought so. Just goes to show, people will surprise you sometimes. Our perceptions of ourselves don't always match what other people might see in us.
