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Same Old “Do I leave him dance”

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Yolanda, Nov 3, 2018.

  1. Yolanda

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    I’m married to a man and have been for 4 years. I enjoy the company of my husband a great deal. I think he is my best friend, but we really clash in the husband/wife department. i mean this in both the sexual and carrying on the mundane tasks of marriage ways.

    I have only ever been with one woman, and it was nice. I am someone who requires a lot of intimacy and mutual affection and feeling of safety for full sexual satisfaction. This woman was a little too fast for me and it made me a little uncomfortable, and she started to show a side I didn’t like way too soon into things, so we never got too far sexually. But I think about women all the time and I truly enjoyed just being with that girl and making out and heavy petting (it just felt like she was rushing and that’s what turned me off). I imagined making love to her in the sweetest ways, and if the circumstances were right, we might have. Alas we didn’t, so that leaves room for doubts like “maybe you’re not really gay”.

    Recently, I kissed my best friend. We were both drunk and it wasn’t anything too passionate, but I really enjoyed it. She is crazy straight though, so nothing to happen there (not planning on having an affair anyway, so all good).

    I guess I’m just trying to give a good idea of where I’m at. I want so badly to be given leave to explore my sexuality in my marriage, but that seems selfish and my husband isn’t open to it. I certainly do not want to have an affair, but there’s just this intense longing to connect with another woman more intimately that it’s landed me here.

    I’m not sure I’m ready to leave my husband, but I really think that that might be where it’s headed. If it is, I have no idea how I’d do it. I’m just so confused and dissatisfied and I think it’s hindering my personal development and productivity. These thoughts consume me so completely! I can hardly get a good night’s rest without my mind wandering to passionate encounters with beautiful women. Waking up to a reality where this is not to be found is depressing.

    Maybe I’m looking for advice, or maybe I’m looking for someone who can relate. If you have advice, message me. If you can relate, please message me and let me know I’m not alone, because I certainly feel like I am and it’s driving me crazy.
     
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  2. weary

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    @Yolanda None of us here can make the decision for you or tell you what to do, but we can all relate to what you are going through in one way or another. I've been married to a man twice and just finally came out last year to my husband as a lesbian. So I am a late-in-lifer so to speak. As a teen I was only with girls then went into denial bad. Whole back story there.

    You've already had an experience with a woman, so it sounds like you just have to decide how far are you willing to go. Can you give up your marriage to discover yourself fully especially if that means you lose your husband? It was/is the hardest and scariest decision I have ever made. Sometimes it just helps writing it all out and trying to look objectively at our lives. You are definitely not alone.
     
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  3. SoulSearch

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    I’m married to a man and am in a relationship with a woman. It is so so hard. My husband knows about her, but it’s still an affair. It has been hard on all of us and if I were able to go back I’d do things differently. My advice is to think carefully about whether leaving your husband is really what you want to do. If it is, leave him before you pursue other relationships. The place I’m in feels impossible and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
     
  4. weary

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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Hey @Yolanda,

    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    You are not alone and you will lots of people here who are (or have been) in a similar position. I’m one of them.

    I’m going to say the same thing that I say to everyone that posts about this kind of situation...try to separate your marriage from your sexuality. See it as two separate issues, rather than one. Don’t let your feelings about one, cloud how you see the other. How is your relationship? Is meeting all your needs? Take your sexuality out of the picture, would you be happy? Then do the opposite, say you’re not married, what do you want then?

    Or, think 10, 15 years down the line, say you’re still with your husband, or with another man, how does that make you feel? That swung it for me, the idea of a future with just men seemed quite bleak.

    Remember there is no rush to do anything. Baby steps. Posting on here is a great step, so well done!
     
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  6. weary

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    While I agree with the premise of what LostinDayDreams said above about separating the issues. I know how hard it can be to separate the sexual part of it. For me the physical/sensual touching etc is a big part of showing love, affection in a relationship. I could never get that part out my equation. I can never have that with a man, not happily. So I wasn't ever able to separate the sexuality part for my decision. Could I live without it or fake it with a man- yes, but being without it felt the same as being without love.

    All the rest yes definitely. It is very important to view it objectively. It is almost never talked about here or elsewhere but - Being single as a gay person or any of the LGBTQ, is more lonely and difficult at times than as a straight person especially if you live in an area that doesn't have any meetup events or is open to us. That should be a factor in your decision. Could you be happy if you left your husband and never met anyone else?
     
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  7. LaneyM

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    I most certainly can relate. I've been married to my husband for three years. We get along fantastic and I can't speak enough about what a great person he is, but sexually and romantically I want to be with a woman, and that longing only gets worse as time goes on. I was very religious, due to my upbringing, until right around the time i married him. So I feel like I've been processing my sexuality ever since. It has worsened the existing anxiety and depression I've been dealing with for years. I've always known I was attracted to women (and it bothered me a great deal for many years), but I'm starting to wonder now if I'm really just homosexual. I befriended a woman through school this summer and we connected so deeply emotionally that it kind of changed the way i think about relationships. Like we knew everything about each other within a months time, did everything together, she listened to me and supported me in ways my husband never could. I knew she was straight but i told her how i felt anyway, not expecting her to feel the same but just tired of being tormented by the loneliness, guilt and hopelessness I feel. It was a mistake, we don't really talk anymore. So now i have guilt for what I did to that friendship, and i feel like i don't deserve the marriage i have and wont ever be able to be happy with him even though i should be. i told him I'm bi but i really don't think i am. I dont think its possible to be happy and make the people i care about happy at the same time. I'm in the worst depression I've been in for years. Thank god for my therapist, she is helpful and empathetic but progress is slow and I still feel very alone in this. Thanks for reading, I don't have advice but your definitely not alone.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC, @LaneyM.

    Please don’t feel that you should be happy with your husband or beat yourself up for feeling otherwise. However, I can understand why you feel that way and I’ve been there myself. You say that your happiness and the happiness of the people you care about aren’t possible at the same time. Are you referring to your husband? If so, how do your feelings impact your marriage? Isn’t it possible that you’d both be more fulfilled with other people?

    Anyway, just some things to think about. We’re always here if you need to talk.
     
  9. LaneyM

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    Thanks, LostInDaydreams, for offering some things to think about. By other people I mean primarily my husband, but I believe coming out or even getting divorced would also alienate me from most of my family and some close friends. My husband is the perfect person on paper, I doubt I'd ever find anyone more faithful. But living with him for the past 3 years has been difficult and not what I expected. In spite of a lot of mutual respect and some shared interests, we do not connect well emotionally and it has a real effect on my well being. So I'm trying very hard to distinguish between the reasons for frustration with my marriage, to determine if it's more that our personalities aren't really compatible or if I really am a lesbian. I love him and would miss his company, but sexually, it is hard to desire him. Or any other man, for that matter. I can't imagine being with another guy in the future. I didn't date in high school and had never even kissed anyone before him. I wish I had had the opportunity to date girls before meeting him because I think I would have understood myself better and been able to make decisions about my future with less regret. I guess it's just very hard for me to consider destroying this relationship we've built. I fear a lifetime of unhappiness either being forever unable to express who I really am by staying with him, or facing loneliness and regret for throwing away a strong relationship, even if it doesn't feel quite right.
     
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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    It was intended as a thinking exercise, rather than a permanent, all encompassing mindset. I got stuck in a “if I’m gay, then I have to leave him, but that’s scary, so I can’t be gay” loop for months and months. It helped me not to see my sexuality in terms of the impact it might have my relationship. It also helped me to see the flaws my relationship has, regardless of sexuality.

    I appreciate your point about sex, and know that this process is different for everyone, but as somebody who’s only had sex with the one person, I couldn’t know beyond all doubt that my lack of enjoyment in our sex life was down to my sexuality. I’ve had a range of excuses over the years, so for me anyway, it wasn’t always obviously due to my sexuality.
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, Nov 6, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2018
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I got stuck in this loop for a few months, but in either scenario, do you want to stay in the relationship?

    I can also relate to a lot of what you’ve said in the rest of your post. I wish I’d explored more before meeting my current partner and was so worried about what I stood to lose by leaving. So, I’ve clung on and my relationship has deteriorated in that time, to the point where I don’t feel that I have much left to lose. It’s your decision, nobody can tell you want to do, and there is no rush, but don’t cling on to a unfullling relationship because you’re worried about giving up what you’ve already invested, it’s not a happy place to be.
     
  12. LaneyM

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    I appreciate your advice, it's given me a lot to think about. I think I do need more time and more work with my therapist to figure out where exactly all this depression is coming from and if I can be happy staying in my relationship long term.
     
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  13. Forlong

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    Hi and welcome :slight_smile:, and you are not alone. Advice I can give is what been given to me is not to rush. You need time to process what you’re feeling. Don’t make any quick decisions unless you feel there right for you. Coming on EC and seeing a therapist has been tremendous help processing everything for me. I was spiraling didn’t eat or sleep my body started turning on me, then I found this site. I was scared at first to reach out and talk to people on here but I’m glad I did. I wish you the best we’re always here if you need to talk or rant. *Big Hugs*
     
  14. Yolanda

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    Thank you to everyone for the responses. I’m sorry we have all had these tormenting experiences, but so happy that we have a platform upon which to share them so others can know they’re not alone. Seeing some of my own feelings and experiences expressed here has really given me some perspective.

    I came to this “awakening” a little over a year ago, and have bounced back and forth between wallowing in it, and trying to shove it down deep. Either approach leaves me feeling empty, and yes, depressed and frustrated. A few days ago when my best friend and I kissed were some of the best few seconds I’d had in a while. So now I’m back to wallowing.

    My husband is great and so loyal. He truly loves me and our daughter more than I knew people could love. But there is great friction between us. Following the exercise suggested by @LostInDaydreams, I find myself lamenting on the things about him that have caused the most issues, and I’m certain that I would not wish to be in this relationship any longer were they to continue. But then I think that maybe his behaviour has been in response to my own distance. Echoing what @LaneyM said, I just don’t desire him very much. My husband is a very passionate man, and I do not mean to suggest that he put a lot of pressure on me to have sex, because he doesn’t pressure me at all. But he loves to hold me and kiss me and be close, and I find myself disinterested in his affections. He writes me poems (still, after 4 years and the bit of baby weight I haven’t yet shed), he surprises me with flowers or by making me dinner when he gets home from work; he has Alexa play music and dances with me in our living room; he stares into my eyes and tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. Sounds like a dream! My friends are always so jealous. But it doesn’t wash over me the way these same affections wash over other women. So I find myself trying to play at it. Some of it I do enjoy, but not in a romantic way. My husband is also very perceptive so he feels my distance and lack of interest, despite my best efforts, and it frustrates him. I feel like we’re on a loop where he is affectionate and I am indifferent and it causes him to start arguments, which causes me to become even more distant.

    It seems So unfair to him. I’ve told him about my interest in women. In fact, we talk a lot, my husband and I, and he’s the one who actually told me that I should be brave enough to accept that maybe I’m bisexual. I’ve always been more attracted to my girlfriends than boys, but I’m from a very homophobic country, so expressing these interests never occurred to me. I just always assumed that all girls thought the way I did. I didn’t grow up seeing same sex couples in life or on television, so I just did what everyone else did.

    In my life, I’ve had very many boyfriends. When I was younger and more fun, I used to count them lol. Back then the number was at 23, but I never slept with any of them. I have only slept with two men in my life; my husband and a guy I dated befor him. This happened when I was already a few years into college and figured maybe it was time (lost my V card at 21). I never had any real interest in sex with men, I just felt that maybe if I met the right guy then it would happen. I don’t know, I think I just forced it in the end.

    I asked my husband if it would be okay if I explored with girls while married to him. He refused, and I don’t blame him. Personally, I’ve been wrestling with the idea that trying to explore now would be selfish, and so would leaving. I made a commitment to my husband, and we have so far made every decision since then with our futures together in mind. It seems to me a terribly selfish thing for me to now decide that I can’t carry forward with the plans, not becaus he did anything wrong, but because I may or may not be a lesbian. It seems just as wrong to leave this man who is devoted to me even if I do confirm I’m a lesbian. I would have so much guilt.

    My dream scenario is my husband being okay with me exploring. I’m even open to an open relationship! (That horrifies the Boy Scout I married)

    Anyway, just processing I guess.
     
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  15. LostInDaydreams

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    Realistically, do you feel his behaviour could change, or assuming you are correct, that you could work on removing the distance?

    This doesn’t seem like a pleasant situation situation for either of you. Your feelings about your sexuality aren’t going away, so how do you see this situation developing?

    Yes, I get this. I feel the same about my partner, but it’s not fair on either of you to remain unhappy. Do you really think that you can get to a place where your relationship is fulfilling for both of you?

    You’ve talked about the impact that your distance has had on your relationship, but also about how it would be selfish to leave. In long-term, is it possible that you would both be happier separated? Do you see a risk of resentment developing on both sides?

    Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t plan for this to happen. You also don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to. However, I completely understand why you feel this way.
     
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  16. LaneyM

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    I can relate to a lot of what you've said, @Yolanda. I've never asked my husband about an open relationship, because I know he would refuse and be hurt by the thought of it, and in all honesty, it's not what I want either. That's the most frustrating thing, I don't know what I want. If I had three wishes I don't even know what I would wish for to fix this problem. All I know is when I see two women in a happy, affectionate relationship, I feel like I'm seeing a life I could have (should have?) had, but I missed out on it, and the emptiness I feel in that moment is the worst I've ever known. I'm afraid of going through life and realizing at the end of it that I was never able to truly be who I wanted to be. I think about my future with my husband, and like you and your husband, we have planned everything together since we were dating. He has a lot of plans to build a big house together in the country and take up lots of hobbies, and I always went along with it more because I know it makes him so happy and he's working so hard for it now. But I think I might be very lonely and frustrated if I simply follow along and support his dreams through the years. I didn't think it was possible to be this lonely in a committed relationship; I guess it's a lesson that you have to understand and take care of yourself, you can only get so much comfort from others regardless of how much they care about you.
     
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  17. weary

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    This is me right here. The guilt in both directions can be overwhelming - for yourself not being true to who you are; for your current family life for wanting something more. There is no easy answer. For me I also add in the idea that if I did leave, what if I never found a women to be with in a relationship, and if so what if it didn't last (statistically lesbian relationships/marriages have higher divorce rates than any other group). I then ask myself would I be happier just being alone or being in this marriage...
     
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  18. LostInDaydreams

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    I can relate to this. It’s not a pleasant feeling.

    I can also relate to this. My partner has very fixed ideas about what he wants and at times I feel like I’m just accessory to his life. It’s not a fulfilling experience.
     
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  19. Fuzzy

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    No you are not alone. And you don't have to rush to a decision. This process is emotional and confusing. It takes time to sort out. I am in the process of working myself up to talk to a counselor. Consider whether or not this is something you may benefit from.
     
  20. regkmc

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    Here is the perspective of a married man in a similar situation.....I really appreciate the closeness of our family, the comfort and familiarity of being with my wife......my uh....member is just not working in the same way with her. And I really get upset with myself for that, and wonder what future we have together when that happens.

    Especially when I have been aroused and excited with other women, had sex with other women (we’re separated)....and understanding of how easy it is for me to climax thinking of one particular man.

    Some days it feels like a puzzle where the pieces get moved all around. But I do feel less troubled by it all since separating and allowing feelings to exist.

    I wish you well, just understand that you are certainly not alone, and I know heterosexual marriages also go through these kinds of sexual challenges.