I have been divorced for a little over one year from my ex-husband. We divorced a few weeks before our 13th wedding anniversary. There were many reasons why we divorced. The main reason is he stopped loving me after I became ill and had an affair with a woman. I would have never had the affair if I was in my right mind but I was psychotic and not making good decisions. I have since then been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. It does not excuse what I did though. It was still wrong and I know I did some major damage.I can clearly see now how much I hurt him and I am truly sorry. I hurt him and its my fault. The other reasons we divorced was because he was abusive. Not physically but there was financial abuse, controlling, and lots of gas-lighting. He also left me every time I got a new blood clot on my brain and had my stroke.I have a lot of anger towards that still. He also could not handle the trauma I was facing from when I was younger. I tried to get help and tried to fix what we had but it didn't work. I worked through my PTSD alone. Our families of course knew about the affair because my mother had to end up taking care of me for a few months before my ex-husband and I got back together and tried to make it work.He moved in with his family when I had the affair and was sick. We tried for 5 years to make it work. Recently our anniversary passed and I felt really sad. I came out as Pansexual two months after our divorce. It took a very long time for me to accept myself. I was hurting and very confused about my sexuality for 7 years. Thankfully the divorce has been a good thing for us. I came out in 2019 on national coming out day in October two months after the divorce. He was very happy for me and proud of me. He's very happy now and in a serious relationship. I saw him hugging her today as I dropped off some stuff for our kids while they are in quarantine. I have to admit it hurt. It made me think about the love we used to have and I cried once I got in the car. We were together almost 14 years. I am thinking about writing him an apology letter. I am not sure I will send it but I would like to because I do want him to know how truly I am sorry for hurting him. I have read a few blogs on how to write an apology letter. Although its true that I did cheat while I was sick and not making good decisions I don't want to excuse it. I would like to let him know that I am sorry for hurting him and that I now know what I did was very wrong. Now that I am healthy I can see it differently. I didn't take responsibility for hurting him but now I do. Now that we are divorced we are much happier apart. I came out and Im living mostly the way I want to as a Pansexual person. My family still does not accept me for being Pansexual. We just don't talk about it. They have said some really hurtful things over the past few years including my sister banning me from her house due to being gay. I call myself gay or Pansexual. I am now with a guy but I have spoke to a woman since our divorce on a dating app and we actually became friends.I am mostly out after posting to social media and being more open with friends.I also told my parents once I figured out I am Pan. Now my ex and I co-parent nicely and he has been there for me after a recent trauma. I have a love for him but I am not in love with him. I believe he needs to know I take responsibility for what I did and that I am sorry. My question is for other people who have left or divorced their spouse after an LGBTQ affair did you apologize? How did it go? Do you have any advice? What did you say in the apology?
I’m sorry that you’ve been through so much and I’m glad that you’re now in a better place. Has he apologised to you for abandoning you when you were unwell and the abusive behaviour? Does he acknowledge the gaslighting, etc.? My ex was emotionally abusive and whilst we mostly co-parent well, he is essentially still repeating the same behaviours but in a different way. The main difference now is that I call him out on it. I didn’t have an affair, but I know that I wouldn’t apologise to my ex because he would never take in the way it was intended. He has no sense of what is socially appropriate and would probably completely misinterpret it, use it against me or think it excused all his behaviour. This might not apply to you, but if it does, then it’s something to think about.
No, we haven't talked about the abuse. The only part that was acknowledged was in couples counseling when we were trying to stay together the counselor told him that he needed to let me have access to money because he had power over me by controlling that. I never addressed the behavior of abuse because I didn't want to make it worse. Now that you say he might misinterpret or use it against me I can see that happening for me and I didn't even consider that. That is definitely a good point. He always thought I was the problem and blamed everything on me even though it was both of us. He cheated as well unprotected and didn't tell me til a few weeks after we started having sex. I will consider your point because it does make sense in my situation. He is not controlling anymore since I am on my own. I have moved on to another person and I am always afraid he will gaslight me because thats what I am used to. The other day he said something and I wanted to tell him that's not what you said a few months back on something but I automatically thought if I tell him he did say something about the subject before he will just gaslight me. So I didn't say anything. Thanks for your advice.
You’re welcome. I can understand why you want to apologise, but if there’s a chance of him using it against you, which the above would suggest there is, then I don’t think you owe him an apology. I’m sorry that he’s not acknowledged the impact of his behaviour. My ex can’t see that he’s done anything wrong either and it can be frustrating, particularly when he still behaves in similar ways now. I’m glad things have improved between you now.
I agree with what LostInDaydreams said. Only apologize if you think your ex won't use it against you. Additionally, it's not a good idea to apologize if you think you might make the same decisions given a specific situation. Not that you would, but it's a good way of determining if moving on or trying to repair a situation is worthwhile on your end of making a mistake, in addition to if the other person will respect whatever boundaries are set. Ultimately, not doing whatever it is that warrants an apology again is the most meaningful way of apologizing, because that is ultimately what matters the most.
